Maybe that missing tee shirt you were looking for didn’t really get eaten by the dryer, but maybe I threw it out cause it is ugly. Maybe.
I know that you eat all my chocolate stashed in the house and then ask who ate all the krackel bars? They did not get lost and Rae didn’t eat them all! I won’t believe it.
I always know where your keys, knife, belt, tee shirt, shoes or any other miscellaneous object is. I just like to watch you run around like a crazy person looking for something.
When I say, “I don’t care”, sometimes I don’t care. Sometime I do. Listen for the tone. You should be able to figure out my tone by now.
I don’t really care if you go out with your friends to drink or hang out. I really DO want you to get out of the house. Please. Why? Because I need some alone time and you always come back realizing how amazing I am compared to your friends wives or significant others! Cause I AM AMAZING.
I LOVE when you go out of town. Really. I do. I can then watch whatever I want on TV. I am in charge of the remote and I can sit in bed all day and do nothing. I can play Guitar Hero for hours on end and don’t have to share it with you AND I can pee with the bathroom door open, since you are not there to be weirded out. Basically, I can do everything you won’t let me do when you are here.
I am not really still sleeping when I hit you, poke you, or steal your pillows. I am trying to reclaim my area of the bed or get you to move over and stop crowding me. Or get you to stop snoring. Or get you to stop breathing in my face. Or get you to turn over, so I can steal more room on our too small bed.
Sometimes I tell you there is free food at work, so I don’t have to eat my lunch and I can just go to Jersey Mike’s instead. Especially when you pack me a PB & J sandwich. No one likes that many PB & J sandwiches. No one.
I know when it comes to putting away laundry you claim to “not know” where any of my clothes go, so you don’t have to put them away or fold them. I know this because you pretend I am some kind of organized freak even though it is YOU who tries to color code your tee shirts. Oh yea, I have noticed. This makes me crazy. I hate putting away laundry and that is why I pretend we have run out of hangers sometimes, so I can just pile your clothes somewhere for you to deal with. Sometimes.
Your missing swimsuit edition of Maxim or Sports Illustrated? Oh yea, I don’t know. Where did it go? I mean, it might have “accidentally” fallen into the trash can. You didn’t read it? Oh no!
Sometimes I encourage and give the cat your flip flops to bite, since you leave them out all the time. Is it that hard to put your shoes away? And when you see the bite marks you think she has been eating your shoes again, little do you know that it is me who cheers her on in her destruction.
Sometimes I call or text our Mothers to talk about you. Especially when you are being a brat. Usually they both can convince me to stay married to you. You have no idea how much you owe our Mothers. No idea.