Category Archives: America’s Next Top Blogger

Survival of the Wittiest….or something like that.

cats2

The season finale version of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you by a fellow blogger, who just might be my twin sister. Well you know how they always say there is a twin out there of you….I think I found my writing twin….the brit, the american and the rest of australia 

the american would like to know about etiquette:

 

1.       If you bump into someone, say a colleague, and they say “hi, how was your weekend/how are you?” is it rude to just say “hi. fine.” and not ask how their weekend was? i do it all the time but feel like an asshole. but really i don’t care.

2.      If you sit across from someone who has hayfever and is sneezing all day, do you have say “Gezhundeit/bless you” every time or can you just say it once and leave it that without explaining yourself?

3.      If someone kind of smelly sits next to you on the bus/tram/train/waiting room (but they’re not homeless or anything. it’s just been a hot day and they’re wearing a suit), is it rude to get up and sit someplace else? i did that the other day and got the look of death. wha…?

4.      When we get cupcakes catered in for someone’s birthday the office, is it rude to skip the “happy birthday” speech in the beginning and just show up late, grab a cupcake and run back to you desk?

Whew, you definitely have some interesting questions. And I have some answers.

I will let you in on a little secret.

What I say and what I am thinking, especially at work, usually don’t coincide, but that is because I am surrounded by crazies, so I see it more like survival of the wittiest, only under my breath. I know, if ONLY I really could say what I was thinking all the time. But, alas, the world doesn’t work that way.

My advice:  answer these questions really, really honestly and people will stop asking you questions and just avoid you, which is the ultimate goal, right? So, I will now attempt to answer your questions

Sure, I may sound a little nuts, but who isn’t these days?

Here are the answers I would give to your questions:

1.      My weekend was horrible, I spent the whole weekend in the toilet and had explosive squirts. I think I might still have them. OOOOOO I just felt something gotta run, bye!  (See this way, you answered, and left just as quickly…)

2.      Well, being that I was just sick and attempting to spread my germs in mass destruction, I would instead say: Are you trying to get me sick? Why don’t you just go home? I am allergic to sick people. Then start scratching yourself and rubbing your eyes. If this doesn’t work, at least you can tell your boss about your “allergies” and go home anyways.

3.      I would most definitely move seats! Only I would say…sorry, I haven’t showered in days and I don’t think anyone should be subjected to my stench. Plus, I just ate a bean burrito from Taco Bell and it isn’t sitting so well…..

4.      My suggestion….go before anyone gets there…eat all the cupcakes and then show up and ask where they all are, but make sure to leave a little frosting on your lips!

So, that is my definition for etiquette. Do we share the same brain?

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Huh?

scooby

This topic of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you courtesy of Ram at http://foodhere.wordpress.com/ . He wanted a dialogue between Harland Sanders, Toller Cranston, and Scooby Do. Yea, this is definitely out of my comfort level, so bear with me people. I wasn’t even sure who Toller Cranston was….I knew the rest, well mostly Scooby! J

Setting the scene:

Scooby Do has just helped himself to Shaggy’s Special Brownies off the counter. He is now doggy dreaming on the couch.

Scooby (sleep talking as brownies dance in his head): MMMM me love brownies.

Harland Sanders (appearing out of nowhere in Scooby’s dream): Don’t you want some Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Scooby: MMMM chicken.

Harland Sanders: It is finger licken good! Scoob, I will trade you some chicken for some of your brownies…

Scooby: Ok.

Toller Cranston: Hey, I want some too!

Scooby: Who are you? Are you Brian Boitano? I loved that Southpark song.

Toller Cranston: I am not Brian Boitano! I don’t even look like him.

Scooby (singing): 

What would Brian Boitano do
If he was here right now,
He’d make a plan
And he’d follow through,
That’s what Brian Boitano’d do.

Shaggy (shaking Scooby hard): Scooby, want some chicken? I just got back from KFC! Hey! Did you eat all my brownies?

Scooby: Yea…and they gave me the weirdest dreams….Mmmm chicken.

 

 Well, Ram, hope this did it for you…as you can see, I don’t have much experience with the “magic brownies”

 

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An Experience to Remember

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Sorry, I know I am behind in these…but I was on furlough! 🙂 So, for those of you still left…I promise to catch up to you this week!

Today’s America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you from a new reader, Thoughts From Under My Rock. I believe she and I might have quite a lot in common in our adventures at the grocery store. And with that being said, makes for very sad times.

Her topic was: Tell me about the biggest pet peeve you have regarding other people at the store (grocery, department, pharmacy, whatever), inside the store or out (or both), and then I’d like a very adjective and adverb-filled description of what you’d like to do to them for stirring up your fury… I wanna see if you and I think anything alike.

NOTE: As for adjective and adverb filled descriptions: This blog has censored them out…..sorry

Let me start out by stating two facts you need to know about me:

1.      I hate shopping (I know, shocking right?)

2.      I hate dumb people (if you recall, I emit the KRZY vibe, so these people ALWAYS find me.)

And for some reason, I seem to be plagued with both of these burdens, usually at the same time and usually at the grocery store. Why, oh why do the two things I dread most seem to go hand in hand? Never mind, don’t answer that. I’d rather not know.

So, here’s what happened:

Hubby and I were living in Connecticut at the time, while he attended graduate school at Yale. We got up early one Saturday morning to go to the grocery store. Mind you, this is a rare experience when in graduate school because we usually lived off of PB & J, however it must have been a payday week! J

Anyway, we have just finished off our grocery shopping experience, quite painlessly, I might add and I am off returning the cart, when the KRZY vibe strikes—paging everyone on the parking lot to come and get me.

I see a nice grocery cart boy pushing carts towards the entrance of the store, he was literally two feet from me. So, rather than push the cart to the cart collection area, I thought I would call him and just give him my cart to add to his pile.                

Me: Excuse me. Can I hand you my cart?

Cart Boy (clearly turns around and sees me, but pretends he is deaf or mute)

Me: Excuse me!?  (CENSORED ADJECTIVE)

Cart Boy (again turns around looks at me and again turns around as if I am invisible)

Me (now standing in the middle of the street, clearly astounded at Cart Boy’s rudeness while Hubby watches and laughs) (CENSORED ADVERB)

So, let me paint a picture for you, there I am standing in the middle of the road (with Hubby watching and laughing) astounded that Cart Boy would diss me like that…when a car rudely starts honking at me (ok, I will give you that one, I was standing in the street like a moron, but that is besides the point…)

The honking quickly brings me back to reality, I slowly wave and shrug my shoulders at the people in the car, like…I can’t believe this is happening, trying to point at (the now NOT NICE) cart boy.

When the lady in the car starts screaming, honking, and yelling at me, while her 10 year old in the front seat starts flicking me off with his middle finger. ARE.YOU.SERIOUS? (CENSORED ADJECTIVE AND ADVERB)

Hubby: LAUGHING SO LOUD

Me: I HATE CONNECTICUT AND ALL YOU RUDE PEOPLE! Did you see that, HUBBY? Can you believe all that just happened to me?  (CENSORED ADJECTIVE AND ADVERB)

Hubby: UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER

Me (clearly saddened at the state of mean people in this world): Why can’t people just be nice? It is SATURDAY for goodness sake! They don’t have any reason to be mean, they aren’t even at work! (CENSORED ADJECTIVE AND ADVERB)

And, that dear readers, is what happened to me and why KRZY vibes and Connecticut just don’t mix. EVER.

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Daisy, RIP

Today’s showing of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you by another long-time reader and funny gal, silent orchestra.

The topic is bacon. No more details were given.

With this being said, I must say, I am not much of a bacon gal. Turkey bacon? Most definately, but regular bacon. Not.So.Much.

Here’s the reason. When I was in Adv. Bio 3-4 in Highschool we had to dissect a fetal pig. And as many of you might gather by this time, I am a big animal fan, so this was not an easy task for me. I mean, I like animals better than people! Really. They don’t talk back, stick with me people! 🙂

Anyway, due to having to dissect our fetal pig, my lab partner and I named our pig Daisy. We become very bonded to her, despite having to examine all her poor little innards. She was no longer “the fetal pig” but Daisy. The one and only. And even though she never got a real chance at life, we decided that we would let her know how much she meant to us. We talked to her…she knew about our highschool crushes, our desires, our sadness and she listended. Boy did she listen. She never judged, not once. She was a true hero and to this day I am forever grateful to Daisy. She became a really good friend and taught us so much.

She also taught us where bacon comes from. And because of this, I usually don’t eat bacon out of respect for Daisy. Poor Daisy, may she rest in peace. I will never forget her.

daisy

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Sham-HUH?

shamwow

Today’s version of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you by Lori at I Can Grow People . I have known Lori while our Hubbys’ attended grad school and now we have reconnected through our blogs! What a small world!

Her topic/question pertained to the Sham-Wow guy. My thoughts on him and what is his deal?

First off, I must say, you stumped me a bit with this one….Sham…what? I know, where have I been, right? But, I must admit, Lori, I don’t get out much, Hubby keeps me locked in the closet and somehow I must have missed this late night infomercial. So, I googled it (oh, the wonders of google). Yup, there he was staring at me.

ARE.YOU.SERIOUS? Then I realized; I have met him, no not the one in the infomercials, but his evil SHAM-WOW twin brother. Yea, ok, he had different color hair and not the same smile, but the clothes, mic and hairstyle WERE the same and his SHAM was the same! So, here’s the dirt:

A couple weekends, right before Christmas time, Hubby and I were shopping around in the mall and found ourselves at Sears. We were trying to find that one, perfect, last minute gift when lo and behold:

“ATTENTION Customers…if you will come down to the first floor right away and join us for this special in-store  demonstration we will give you a free promotional item just for coming down here.”

FREE? FREE? I looked at Hubby….yes, I LOVE free things. I know, I am so naive. So, Hubby and I trample down to the first floor and lo and behold some amazing product that will change our lives forever.

*Do you hate to clean?  (YES!)

*Do you need a product that can make cleaning a breeze? (YES!)

*Do you want to get the hair tumbleweeds off your floor for good? (YES, please!)

Then give me 10 minutes of your time and I will give you one for free!

WOW, really? So, we waited, we participated, we stood, and we watched in amazement. And in the end, all we got was this lousy piece of cloth the size of a tissue that is like a chamois, but not…..but for 3 installments of $19.95….you too can have this life changing floor device.

Yea, SURE.

LAST TIME I fall for that one SCAMMER SHAM people! I hate you. And your evil twin brother!

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My Middle Sister

middle-sister

Today on America’s Next Top Blogger we will uncover the mystery and meaning behind my crazy sister’s (Middlechildadvice\’s Blog  ) probing question.

Her topic is: Blog about your amazing middle sister—how amazing she is, how you want to be just like her and how you will never reach that goal. Are you puking in your mouth just yet? Cause I am. Truly.

My middle sister, Sar is far from amazing. Really. If you go back and look through our photo albums– every picture of me and Sar is me sitting on her, trying to crush her in some form or another. Or I have a crazed look in my eyes like I am plotting her demise (and NO I do not always have the crazed look, although it does run in the family). So, our history of me wanting to BE like her is non-existent. But, for the purpose of this blog, AND to follow the rules I can give you some insight into her “amazingness” as she likes to call it.

How my Middle Sister is AMAZING

1.      She ate cat food on a dare (and liked it)

2.      Sar thought Washington DC was located in Washington State. Until she went there and learned this wasn’t so. She has always been a little slow.

3.      She always wanted to fly on a plane herself. She finally did when she was in her 20s. Now she thinks she knows everything about flying. This is not the case.

4.      Growing up, Sar used to hide food she didn’t like (she said she couldn’t chew it) in her napkin on the back of her chair, so the dog would eat it.

5.      Sar used to have a nickname growing up, Dizzy Lizzy, cause she used to spin around in circles a million times and fall to the floor. For those of you that know her this explains a lot, doesn’t it?

6.      The middle sister has always been jealous of the other sisters, so when she was little she used to point at people, so she could get attention. Mom always told her to stop pointing because it is rude, but in childhood photos you will see pictures of her pointing, on purpose.

7.      Sar used to bring home all kinds of weird friends, kind of like the crazy cat lady.

8.      She used to hide in the bathroom for hours to get out of chores like dishes. Immediately after dinner, she would hop up say “I have to go to the bathroom!”  She would only reemerge after the dishes were done. She still does this.

9.      She has a tendency for making you feel bad if you won’t accept her gifts. IE She never cleans the cat litter, and so in turn the cats will poo on the floor, next to the litter. She will then tell her Hubby that the cats left him a “present” and he shouldn’t complain because they made it specially for him. Messed up, right?

10.  She has a tendency to wreck every car she has ever had, knock on wood, and yet my parents still buy her cars. What?!

11.  If Rae and I gang up on her, she says we should stop being mean because she is going to need years of therapy to recover from all the damage we have caused her.

12.  She secretly wishes she were an only child because she likes all the attention for herself. This is why she bring out her parlor tricks at events (like analyzing people’s handwriting) so people will swarm her and beg her to tell them more about themselves.

13.  She loves really random movies like Lars and the Real Girl, Slither, and Into the Wilderness because it makes her feel smart…like she “gets” something others don’t.

14.  She likes to feel important. That is why you have to tell her she is “AMAZING” 20 times a day, or she will cease to exist.

15.  When Sar was younger, she was obsessed with cologne. She used to sniff my Uncle Jody who wore Polo and tell him that one day she would marry him. To this day, she is still obsessed with cologne, but not Polo.

16.  She also thought she would grow up to be the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio. She is to this day, still obsessed with the color blue.

17.  She used to turn everything in my room upside down, when she was mad at me. I still get mad, just thinking about this!

18.  She needs constant reaffirmation that she is amazing that is why I am making her this list. However, she doesn’t know words, so she will probably look up the word reaffirmation.

19.  She used to sleepwalk and try and go out to the pool for a midnight swim. Luckily, Mom always caught her because I might have missed her if she drowned, only a little bit.

20.  She is obsessed with cats. One day, when she is old, she will turn into the old cat lady, and her home will be filled with poo because she never cleans the litter.

21.  She actually OWNS a tee shirt that says “It’s ALL about me.” This is the most truthful she has ever been.

22.  When we were kids, she used to follow me everywhere because I was super cool. She wanted to BE ME. Now that we are older, she still wants to be me. And I am still cool.

23.  As a child she used to have really bad hearing, so I used to just move my lips so she would think she was deaf. To this day she is still traumatized if anyone does this to her.

24.  She loves her cat more than her Hubby, but so do I!

25.  She is definitely out there, but AMAZING in her own SPECIAL NEEDS sort of way.

Me and Baby Sar, so trusting, isn't she?

Me and Baby Sar, so trusting, isn't she?

 

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GPS Made Me Do It?

car-crash

Today’s episode of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you by a long time reader, Terra, at Beautiful Glimpses….

Her question was: if you hit someone’s car and did some damage, they weren’t in it, and no one saw you….would you leave a note and your information or just drive away? And would you feel guilty if the tables were turned?  

Could I just say GPS made me do it?

Well, I have NEVER done this, thankfully. However, I am definately ruled by a guilty conscience, so I would have to say that I would leave a note, if this person were not around. I believe what goes around comes around. And well, I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t confess. Now, don’t get me wrong…I have definately dinged some doors when opening mine, but never enough to do any real harm…or so it seemed at the time. My middle sister, however is a different story! But, I digress…

If you don’t believe me, you can even ask Hubby. I definately did a BIG DING on his truck (ok, maybe more than a ding)….which I confessed to right away, but that’s cause he was in the truck with me. But that blog is for another day and another time. Yea, better to not bring up this contencious spot, as he almost divorced me over it. However, this just goes to show my feelings of guilt, would prevail, no matter how much I might like to run away and pretend it didn’t happen.

So, Terra, I certainly can feel for you in this type of a situation. Hopefully, this won’t happen to me….knock on wood.

Or I can just blame GPS….

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