Category Archives: Crazies

Chainsaw Snores and Waffle Nazi’s

waffle

So, this past weekend, Hubby and I went to California to visit his family for his Grandmother’s birthday. I must admit, I was a little remiss to make a turn-around trip ( mostly because I HATE road trips, I am just not a good traveler and we were up there for one one whole day and half the next morning), but I am glad we went. We had a great time with the family despite some minor obstacles.

We drove up late Saturday night and arrived basically in time to go to bed. Hubby was hoping a night without the pets and a NOISY sister would allow for a good night’s sleep. (AWWW, isn’t he sweet?) However, he couldn’t have been MORE wrong on that one. His dad, in the next room, was snoring SO LOUD that I thought he might wake up the entire hotel. And I don’t mean light snoring, I mean shaking our room so the walls shake and there might be an earthquake snoring. I mean just imagine that the snoring is SO.VERY.LOUD that even a pillow over your head won’t block out the noise! Yea, it was bad and since I could barely sleep, I decided to wake Hubby up too.

What? He shouldn’t be sleeping, if I’m not!

Me: PSSSST Hubby!

Hubby: Huh….Wha?

Me: HOW does your Mom sleep through THAT snoring?

Hubby(falling back asleep): Ugh. I have no idea

Me: PSSSST Hubby…I can’t sleep. PSST. PSST PSST…..

fastforward next morning

Dad: How’d you guys sleep?

Us: NOT AT ALL! YOU SNORE!

Dad: No I don’t. I wear breath right strips.

Us: They don’t work!

So then we all decide to go to breakfast. The hotel we were staying at had a waffle maker where you could make your own waffles! I was SUPER excited. I.LOVE.FOOD. And am particulary fond of breakfast food. However here’s what happened:

There I am minding my own business, making waffles when I am approached by a crazy-haired waffle nazi lady (WNL) with a psycho look in her eye.

WNL: Whose waffle is in there?

Me: Mine.

WNL: Well, did you set the timer? I mean geez.

Me: No, I don’t need timers, I can magically sense when it is done. I am just THAT good. (under my breath so she didn’t hear me): psycho I am going to throw my waffle in your face

WNL: I mean geezus there are A LOT of people here wanting waffles. You can’t hog the waffle machine!

She was terrible people, she was just crazy and very obnoxious about the waffle machine. Who knew that waffles would bring out the worst in people?

How do these crazies ALWAYS find me…even on vacation?

2 Comments

Filed under conflict, Crazies, family, Uncategorized

Would you like a cup of PSYCHO with that?

 happy-people

Yesterday morning, a friend and I went to Starbucks to get some caffeine. After the crap that happened yesterday morning, I thought the jolt of caffeine could be useful. Little did I know what was awaiting me on the other side of the counter….but Mr. PSYCHO, WAY TOO HAPPY, Starbucks guy. Being the cynic that I am, I couldn’t help but ask him about his jolliness at this ungodly hour in the morning!

Starbucks Psycho Guy on Crack (WAAAAAAY To Chipper): Hey there! How are YOU guys? What can I get you? Isn’t it a BEAUTIFUL morning? What a WONDERFUL day!

Me (incredulous at his audacity to be happy): WHOA! You are way too happy right now! Do you chow down on coffee beans?

Starbucks Psycho Guy on Crack (smiling so big, I think he might pull a muscle): Oh No! I don’t even DRINK coffee!

Me (ready to jump the counter and kill him): BUT, you work at Starbucks! What time do you wake up and go to sleep at night?

Starbucks Psycho Guy on Crack: I go to bed at midnight and get up at 2:30am.

Friend: But that is like 2.5 hours of sleep.

Starbucks Psycho Guy on Crack : I know, life is just so grand! I am just so happy and blessed and I LOVE my job!

Me (LOUDLY): You are just WAY too happy.

Exiting Starbucks

Friend: Your smile, as he was talking, was so fake. I thought you were going to jump the counter and really strangle that guy!

Me: The thought DID cross my mind. I just hate happy people.

7 Comments

Filed under Crazies, work

An Experience to Remember

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Sorry, I know I am behind in these…but I was on furlough! 🙂 So, for those of you still left…I promise to catch up to you this week!

Today’s America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you from a new reader, Thoughts From Under My Rock. I believe she and I might have quite a lot in common in our adventures at the grocery store. And with that being said, makes for very sad times.

Her topic was: Tell me about the biggest pet peeve you have regarding other people at the store (grocery, department, pharmacy, whatever), inside the store or out (or both), and then I’d like a very adjective and adverb-filled description of what you’d like to do to them for stirring up your fury… I wanna see if you and I think anything alike.

NOTE: As for adjective and adverb filled descriptions: This blog has censored them out…..sorry

Let me start out by stating two facts you need to know about me:

1.      I hate shopping (I know, shocking right?)

2.      I hate dumb people (if you recall, I emit the KRZY vibe, so these people ALWAYS find me.)

And for some reason, I seem to be plagued with both of these burdens, usually at the same time and usually at the grocery store. Why, oh why do the two things I dread most seem to go hand in hand? Never mind, don’t answer that. I’d rather not know.

So, here’s what happened:

Hubby and I were living in Connecticut at the time, while he attended graduate school at Yale. We got up early one Saturday morning to go to the grocery store. Mind you, this is a rare experience when in graduate school because we usually lived off of PB & J, however it must have been a payday week! J

Anyway, we have just finished off our grocery shopping experience, quite painlessly, I might add and I am off returning the cart, when the KRZY vibe strikes—paging everyone on the parking lot to come and get me.

I see a nice grocery cart boy pushing carts towards the entrance of the store, he was literally two feet from me. So, rather than push the cart to the cart collection area, I thought I would call him and just give him my cart to add to his pile.                

Me: Excuse me. Can I hand you my cart?

Cart Boy (clearly turns around and sees me, but pretends he is deaf or mute)

Me: Excuse me!?  (CENSORED ADJECTIVE)

Cart Boy (again turns around looks at me and again turns around as if I am invisible)

Me (now standing in the middle of the street, clearly astounded at Cart Boy’s rudeness while Hubby watches and laughs) (CENSORED ADVERB)

So, let me paint a picture for you, there I am standing in the middle of the road (with Hubby watching and laughing) astounded that Cart Boy would diss me like that…when a car rudely starts honking at me (ok, I will give you that one, I was standing in the street like a moron, but that is besides the point…)

The honking quickly brings me back to reality, I slowly wave and shrug my shoulders at the people in the car, like…I can’t believe this is happening, trying to point at (the now NOT NICE) cart boy.

When the lady in the car starts screaming, honking, and yelling at me, while her 10 year old in the front seat starts flicking me off with his middle finger. ARE.YOU.SERIOUS? (CENSORED ADJECTIVE AND ADVERB)

Hubby: LAUGHING SO LOUD

Me: I HATE CONNECTICUT AND ALL YOU RUDE PEOPLE! Did you see that, HUBBY? Can you believe all that just happened to me?  (CENSORED ADJECTIVE AND ADVERB)

Hubby: UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER

Me (clearly saddened at the state of mean people in this world): Why can’t people just be nice? It is SATURDAY for goodness sake! They don’t have any reason to be mean, they aren’t even at work! (CENSORED ADJECTIVE AND ADVERB)

And, that dear readers, is what happened to me and why KRZY vibes and Connecticut just don’t mix. EVER.

9 Comments

Filed under America's Next Top Blogger, blogging, Challenges, Crazies

Consumed by the Crazies…

They are after me!

They are after me!

 

I have a serious problem; I’ve decided that crazy people are stalking me! I can’t get away from them. I think that they are a necessary part of my life, unavoidable, yet there…just like speeding tickets, traffic, and long lines at the grocery store. These are not your typical “types” of crazy people that belong in the loony bin, but the kinds that are supposed to be educated, fully functional people that are just irrational and clueless.

Help me! Please? (stop smiling!)

Don’t get me wrong, I know we all have a degree of crazy in us (myself included) but SUPER CRAZY…that is what I tend to run into….you know the kind….the ones that are just cuckoo for cocoa puffs!

I guess the reason I meet so many is to build character, right? But, how many “character building” characters do I REALLY need to learn from?! Honestly, I think I have already met my quota for the year and 2009 has barely got off of its’ feet! I think I am in for a LONG year, already.

The only conclusion I can come up with is that I have the KRZY vibe and so the crazies flock to me. The question is: how do I get rid of it? I must emit some type of odor, maybe like catnip where they just flock to me! I mean, really people, REAL.LY.

The types of crazy people that I run into who are “cuckoo for cocoa puffs” are of all ages. But, I especially run into the types who you think would or should know better. YOU.WOULD.THINK. I guess what I cannot get over is how very exhausting the crazies are. They make me questions myself: Is it me or is it you? Am I the Crazy one, or is it you? Did she just say that, or am I imagining it? WHAT? SERIOUSLY?!

 I will continue to try and take the high road, but the detours look so appealing…..don’t they? Maybe you had better just commit me, than the crazies won’t be able to find me, right? RIGHT?!

Anyone….

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Filed under Crazies

Lucky Charms

Lately, I have not been that lucky and typically I am not one to believe in “magical thinking” so to speak, but I could use some right about now. According to my horoscope: “If you’re tempted to run away from your responsibilities, remember that your real job is to improve your current life, not plan your escape” I usually just read them and laugh…..but in this case, it could be true because I WAS plotting my escape. How did THEY know? 

What next? Usually the horoscopes say something like you will become rich and famous, or you will meet a handsome stranger (that’s what it says in Cosmo—sorry Hubby), and you will go on a trip in the near future. But the handsome stranger hasn’t popped up, no trips are on my horizon AND I am NOT rich and famous—yet. Knock on Wood.

So I am thinking magical thinking is not working for me (where’s Harry Potter when you need him?)…unless it is because I haven’t eaten my Lucky Charms lately, which clearly, could be the case—I better go buy some cause they are “magically” delicious and might be just what I need!

cereal

4 Comments

Filed under Crazies, Life

The Tear in Time (AKA Groundhog Day)

clock

So, Friday morning was the worst.morning.ever. Here’s what happened.

Thursday night my sisters and I hung out. It was a fun night, however Rae was supposed to go with Sar to pick up some pizza and movies, but instead she made me go. This started the downward spiral in events.

Sar: Where’s your keys? You need to lock the front door.

Me: No I don’t; Rae is there.

Sar: GO GET YOUR KEYS AND LOCK THE DOOR!

Me: EH, fine. (Got the keys, locked the door)

Once we got back to the house, I had Sar grab my keys and unlock the front door, since my hands were clearly full with pizza and movies. And that was the end of a fun night of pizza and hanging out.

Now, fastforward Friday morning at aproximately 6:30 am.

I am almost out the door headed to work. Saying bye to the pets, and grabbing the keys. WAIT! WHERE ARE MY KEYS? Panic sets in. Then I remember Sar had them last, so I call her thinking she must have put them somewhere in the house. SOMEWHERE.

I call Sar. NO ANSWER. Great.

I call again. This time she answers.

Me: WHERE ARE MY KEYS.

Sar: How should I know what you do with your keys?

Me: Because you had them last! Remember you used them to open the door last night?!

Sar: Oh yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. Hmmm I am driving, but they “might” be in my purse.

Me: OH MY GOSH. Well you need to come back here then.

Sar: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I am halfway to work. (she works really far away)

Me: I have no choice. I could take Hubby’s car, but I still need all my work stuff and gate pass that is in MY car that is locked in the garage. OMG, I CANNOT believe you stole my keys!

So, after much bickering back and forth, she drives back and gives me my keys. Two hours later she is still driving to work…..texting me, telling me she hates me. But, WHO was the stupid one that put MY keys in her purse?

And after placing much blame on each other for the rest of the day, we discovered that ultimately it was Rae’s fault for not going with Sar in the first place. Because of that one decision, on Rae’s part, it caused a “tear in the universe” according to Sar, setting everything to be out of order and ass backwards for the rest of the day. Much like the movie Groundhog Day.

Moral of Story: Don’t ever let Sar near your keys. EVER. Or it could result in a tear in your universe ,as you know it, and you might end up  forever stuck in Groundhog Day.

5 Comments

Filed under Crazies, Sisters

You know you need to be committed when…..

THANK GOD this week is over. I have been surrounded by crazy people all day and I cannot get away. I think I am becoming crazy, there is no hope. Crazy pets, crazy drivers, you name it I have seen it.

On my way home from work today, I am driving in bumper to bumper traffic, I am not kidding you. The guy behind me and I merge over, pretty much at the same time. He sticks his middle finger up at me (like I somehow read his mind and merged at the very same second, HELLO, there is a big fat semi in front of me…..DUH) So, what do I do? I stick my middle finger right back up at him. Yea, I am from Brooklyn, YO. So, then he sticks it back at me. Ok, fun…so I do it back. He motions for me to move over…I shake my head no at him while cointinuing the middle finger war game. He then– full speed ahead merges ON THE LEFT (mind you in an oncoming traffic lane) and proceeds to force me to slow down, or be mauled by his stupid yellow Nissan Pathfinder.

I now officially HATE Phoenix. Why are the crazies following me from state to state, and why oh WHY can’t I get away…..I think I need help. Or pills whatever. Luckily, Rae is readily prepared with the booze when I get home…maybe it won’t be a bad weekend after all……

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Filed under Crazies