Category Archives: Uncategorized

My Sister, the Birthday Whore

middle

Yesterday was my sister, Sar’s, birthday and she was CRAZY. Why, you ask? Well let’s start the list:

1. She thinks everyone has to stop everything because it is HER day….ummm hello? Some people have to work.

2. She thinks she doesn’t get a day, but a whole month…..yea right. Everyone knows that only Christmas babies (AKA me) get a whole month to celebrate their birthdays!

3. She refuses to share birthday celebrations with her Hubby. We ALREADY had birthday bash this weekend…but it was for her Hubby, which means we have to have another birthday bash exclusively for her. CRAZY.

4. Lastly because I get these kinds of emails from her, while at work:

(Clearly, she is delusional and clearly she left off the list the BEST part: ALCOHOL)

So I wanted a healthy dinner tonight. – Chopped salad
Spinach salad
boiled eggs
peppers
cucumbers
cilantro
turkey bacon (i think we have some)
grapes
walnuts
Gorgonzola cheese – or the smoked Gouda chopped up in it.
olives
artichokes
rotisserie chicken – we should just buy and cut some of the flavorful chicken in the salad – yum
good salad dressing – I really want the cilantro dressing from trader joe’s – maybe i’ll run by and pick some up on my way home.
And anything else good you can think of to add
french bread with olive oil (we have the olive oil)

11 Comments

Filed under family, Sisters, Uncategorized

Copycats…

I definately have the strangest pets ever. They all have a tendency to copy each other. It is pretty funny. I have no idea why they do this, but I do know that Boston thinks he is a dog and Patches thinks she is a cat and Americus mostly thinks she is a cat too!

Every day when I come home from work, Boston is waiting for me to come home at exactly the right time. How does he know this?

Boton waiting for me to come home!

Boton waiting for me to come home!

 Patches, on the other hand, thinks she is a cat…

Patches the chair cat

Patches the chair cat

So, Boston has to reclaim his chair as soon as she gets up…

MY chair..

MY chair..

Also, Boston refuses to drink from his own water dish…he prefers the dog dish.

mmm dog water...

mmm dog water...

So, then Americus see this and must partake too….

hmmm not so sure about this...

hmmm not so sure about this...

Very strange pets, indeed.

8 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Chainsaw Snores and Waffle Nazi’s

waffle

So, this past weekend, Hubby and I went to California to visit his family for his Grandmother’s birthday. I must admit, I was a little remiss to make a turn-around trip ( mostly because I HATE road trips, I am just not a good traveler and we were up there for one one whole day and half the next morning), but I am glad we went. We had a great time with the family despite some minor obstacles.

We drove up late Saturday night and arrived basically in time to go to bed. Hubby was hoping a night without the pets and a NOISY sister would allow for a good night’s sleep. (AWWW, isn’t he sweet?) However, he couldn’t have been MORE wrong on that one. His dad, in the next room, was snoring SO LOUD that I thought he might wake up the entire hotel. And I don’t mean light snoring, I mean shaking our room so the walls shake and there might be an earthquake snoring. I mean just imagine that the snoring is SO.VERY.LOUD that even a pillow over your head won’t block out the noise! Yea, it was bad and since I could barely sleep, I decided to wake Hubby up too.

What? He shouldn’t be sleeping, if I’m not!

Me: PSSSST Hubby!

Hubby: Huh….Wha?

Me: HOW does your Mom sleep through THAT snoring?

Hubby(falling back asleep): Ugh. I have no idea

Me: PSSSST Hubby…I can’t sleep. PSST. PSST PSST…..

fastforward next morning

Dad: How’d you guys sleep?

Us: NOT AT ALL! YOU SNORE!

Dad: No I don’t. I wear breath right strips.

Us: They don’t work!

So then we all decide to go to breakfast. The hotel we were staying at had a waffle maker where you could make your own waffles! I was SUPER excited. I.LOVE.FOOD. And am particulary fond of breakfast food. However here’s what happened:

There I am minding my own business, making waffles when I am approached by a crazy-haired waffle nazi lady (WNL) with a psycho look in her eye.

WNL: Whose waffle is in there?

Me: Mine.

WNL: Well, did you set the timer? I mean geez.

Me: No, I don’t need timers, I can magically sense when it is done. I am just THAT good. (under my breath so she didn’t hear me): psycho I am going to throw my waffle in your face

WNL: I mean geezus there are A LOT of people here wanting waffles. You can’t hog the waffle machine!

She was terrible people, she was just crazy and very obnoxious about the waffle machine. Who knew that waffles would bring out the worst in people?

How do these crazies ALWAYS find me…even on vacation?

2 Comments

Filed under conflict, Crazies, family, Uncategorized

The Dirty Fighter

fights

LOUD NOISE of dog throwing up next to me in the computer room.

Me (shouting): NOT IT! HUBBY, NOT IT!

Hubby (angrily): That does NOT count!

Me (sweetly, if that is EVEN possible): Yes it does, I need to get in the shower and get ready for bed. (Remember I get up at 4:30, it doesn’t matter that it is only 8pm)

Hubby: It is still early; you have PLENTY of time to clean up the dog throw up.

Me: WHATEVER, you still owe me from when Americus was sick (thankfully she is better now—though we still don’t know what was wrong with her) because I cleaned up LOADS of vomit and poo.

Hubby(clearly exasperated): Uh huh. Well then fine, I will clean this up, but you have to sift the cat litter.

Me (whiney): Please, Hubby! Can’t you do it? I am heading into the shower right now…

10 minutes later

Hubby (NOW YELLING at his cute wifey): Are you STILL on that computer!? You cannot call not it and not even head to the shower!

Me (now yelling because Hubby is yelling): We are in a fight! I am going to write you a hate blog!

Me: Running to shower

5 Comments

Filed under Husbands, Irrational, Uncategorized

The Genius Pair and My Mean Sister

fighting-sisters

My sister, Free Sister is mean.

Here is what happened.

My dad was visiting from out of town and we had just driven into the driveway after having lunch, when my dad gets out of the car (mind you with they keys still running in the ignition).

Me: DAD! Did you mean to leave your keys in the car, with the engine running. (Senile, much? Sorry Dad)

Dad (incredulous): OH NO! Don’t shut your door! Whoa, good going! Glad I didn’t lock myself out of the car with the engine running because my spare set of keys are at home!

Me (knowing I had just SAVED the day): Yea, good thing, I noticed…I was thinking you must be crazy!

So, as I am getting out of the car, I realize that I may be senile too.

Me: OH NO!

Dad: What?

Me: I don’t have my house keys on me cause we took your car, and I just didn’t think about it!

Dad (chuckles): Oh no, what are we going to do?

I then call Sar and her Hubby, realizing they are both at work. CRAP! Then I call Rae, my mean sister, knowing the mere idea of getting in the car to come rescue me is the LAST thing she would ever want to do. She doesn’t like to help people because she is a PEOPLE HATER, she HATES everyone. (Whatcha gonna do Rae?)

Me: RAE! Where are you? I locked myself out of the house! And I need you to come home and let us in.

Rae: YOU STUPID SLUT! GUESS YOU ARE STUCK OUTSIDE!

Me: RAE! Get your sorry ass down here and let us in!

Rae: YOU ARE SO STUPID; I am NOT driving all that way!

Me: OH YES YOU ARE!

Well you get the gist of our fight over the phone. Anyways, she finally DID come home and let us in, but she did have the crazed psycho look in her eyes (you know, the one killers have–those of you that passed the serial killer test know what I mean).

sisters

Me: Thanks, Rae! You saved the day!

Rae: I HATE YOU!

Me: You are just the nicest sister ever.

Rae: I HATE people AND I am on my period.

And that my friends, is why you should stay away from the MEAN SISTER when she is on the rag. She is scary!

(Hopefully, I will be around to blog after this…if she doesn’t kill me, but that is why you don’t mess with a blog crazy sister–blog paybacks can get real nasty)

Love ya, Rae! 🙂

15 Comments

Filed under family, Sisters, Uncategorized

Marriage Myths DEBUNKED

marriage

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought I would submit this post. Just keeping it real! 🙂

 

Myth #1: When you get married, you wear lingerie to bed every night.

ANSWER: FICTION- Mostly you wear your old, torn up tee-shirts, ratty shorts and your granny panties.

Myth #2: When you are married, you moisturize and shave your legs every night.

ANSWER: HA HA, do I really need to answer this? FICTION

Myth #3: You fall asleep in each other’s arms every night.

ANSWER: DEPENDS-on if you want to be hit in the middle of the night…Hubby is a bit of a hitter in his sleep.

Myth #4: The wifey presses, folds, and irons the Hubby’s clothes every night before bed.

ANSWER: FICTION-unless you want your clothes burned.

Myth#5: Married life is all flowers, white picket fences, and fancy dinners.

ANSWER: DEPENDS-At times it is, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of money! Neither of which we have accomplished as of yet.

Myth#6: Marry your best friend.

ANSWER: FACT-However, you don’t have to be BFF’s all the time, but be willing to be there for each other–that’s what counts!

Myth#7: Hubbys’ will pretend they hate it, but they really do like The Hills, The Bachelor, Ghost Whisperer and other girlie shows/chick flicks.

ANSWER: FACT-However, they will deny it and just feign that they want to spend time with you, when in fact they ARE interested in anything chick like, but would rather die than admit it.

Myth#8: Hubbys’ require “man caves” (AKA-basement or garage) to feel more “manly”

ANSWER: FACT-They need to do this to recover from things that are girlie (tv shows and such) and bang around on their tools….somehow, it does make them feel more manly….don’t know why.

Myth#9: If you are married and the wife, you should prance around in the kitchen in nothing but your heels and apron, while making your Hubby dinner.

ANSWER: FICTION-Hi, have you MET me? Obviously, this was a freebie.

Myth#10: When you get married, you have long nights of passion and romance.

ANSWER: This can only be explaned via the following conversation:

Hubby: Hey baby!

Me: MMM I am sleepy.

Hubby: But you just showered and shaved your legs….

Me: I am saving it for marriage…

Hubby: You ARE married..to me!

Me: The sheets are clean….

11 Comments

Filed under Love, marriage, Uncategorized

No Game…

cool

Hubby and I were talking over lunch today and I was saying how this week when he works for the ballet, he had better not pick up any new dancer girlfriends. You gotta appreciate marriage right?

Hubby: Yea, I always loved dancers….they are so flexible and watching them jump around putting in a mylar dance floor was always awesome!

Me: Hubby! Seriously, you have NO GAME. I mean IF I were a boy, I would have said watching dancers bend over or stretch, you know THAT is hot….not watching them do manual labor. And as your friend, not your wife, I am telling you: You have lost your game.

Hubby: Well, I don’t need any game anymore. I mean, I already have you.

Me: Yea, right, but someday when I am dead, you will have to get a new girl. So you NEED game. Plus it makes you feel good!

Hubby: Yea, true; well I still get checked out all the time. I just need to shave my wilderness boy scruff.

3 Comments

Filed under humor, Husbands, Uncategorized