Texting is Killing my Marriage…

Well, almost. I mean I do have a flair for the dramatic, just a little.

 I do admit that I have  a lot of crazy traits–obsessive deleting, inability to cook pasta, screaming NOT IT in the middle of conversations with the Hubby, deafness (only when I hear something I don’t want to do), and I suppose I am a bit quirky. BUT these are all things Hubby loves about me…right Hubby?

But, I just CAN’T.STOP.TEXTING. I admit it. I am obsessed.Rather than pick up the phone (EVER) I just text. Everyone, everwhere, all the time. This is where we get into the “ruining my marriage” part. The BILL. Not pretty people, not pretty AT ALL.

Me (trying to hide the Sprint bill, miserably failing)

Hubby: What have you got there?

Me: Hmmm you aren’t going to like it. My cell bill.

Hubby: How much did you go over THIS time? I mean you HAVE 1000 texts! I have 200 and I never go over!

Me (in true addict form): I know, but it isn’t enough, it is just NOT ENOUGH…really; I promise not to do it next time (all lies, mind you)

Hubby (sighing heavily): Do you have to text so much? Why don’t you just call people?

Me: Because I HATE talking to people. Texting is in and out… I don’t have to talk and if I am bored…I can just stop texting. You should blame my cousin for teaching me!

Hubby (exasperated): BUT, you always text back; it is like you ALWAYS have to have the last word!

Me (still in denial): They must have messed it up somewhere….right? I know…I know…..it is a serious problem! Do you think they have a Texter’s Anonymous?

Me (inspired by genius): I know! We should just pitch a “texting only” plan to the cell company….do you think they would go for it? That is what I need!

Work Cutbacks

I got this forwarded to me today, and couldn’t help but laugh. During these fun times, I am sure you all can relate this to your working environment in some form or another.

Management Cutbacks

Please note that as this is going to be a “tight” year, Management has decided that we should do all we can to reduce cost and improve productivity. Would appreciate it if all of us could adhere to the guidelines with immediate effect. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sickness
No excuse. The company will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof. If you are able to go to a doctor, you are able to attend work.

Death (Your own)
This will be accepted as an excuse. We would like two weeks notice since we feel that it is your duty to train someone else for your job.

Death (Other than your own)
This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and henceforth no time will be allowed for funerals. However, in case of hardships, the Company has special scheme, in conjunction with the local cemetery for lunch-time burials thus ensuring that no time is lost from work.

Leave of absence for an operation
Henceforth, no time off will be allowed for an operation. The company believes that as long as you are an employee, you will need all of whatever you already have and will not consider having any of it removed. We have engaged you for a particular job, with all of your parts, and to have anything removed would mean that the Company is getting less than it contracted for.

Visits to the toilet
Far too much time on this particular practise. In future, all staff will go in alphabetical order. All surnames beginning with ‘A’ will go from 9.45 to 10.00. Those beginning with ‘B’ will go from 10.05 to 10.15 and so on. Anyone unable to attend at this appropriate time will have to wait until the following day for their turn to come around.

Monday Mournings…

CoWorker: I’ve noticed you wearing a lot of black lately.

Me: Yea, I’m mourning my life.

Then later in the elevator

Person: What is that you are eating for lunch? Ramen?

Me: Yup, it is hard times.

Person: EWWWW that is gross. I haven’t eaten that since college.

Me (thinking to self): I KNEW I should have stayed in bed today and not come to work.

Job Freak Outs…

So, as the economy and layoffs are getting worse and worse, I keep holding on to the fact that I can bypass this, somehow. However, now we are finding out that the place where I work will be experiencing a mandatory two week break without pay for everyone that works here. Now, I am starting to freak out. I know I am fortunate in the fact that I will still have a job, but it is just hard to keep perspective right now. I like to think I am usually a glass half full type of person….but in the meantime, the voices in my head (yea, I can’t help it) are making me freak out even more.

So, guess we shall see what happens. I think I just can’t believe that the last three years we barely survived grad school and now we are back to being in the grad school mentality. Guess it is time to start re-evaluating needs versus wants. Ugh. I hate being pessimistic. I just want to hide under my covers and not come out til everything is better. I think that might be my next plan…..well, guess I can do that on my mandatory days off now…..

Wife: For Sale, Rent, or Lease to Own

With all the hype in the news lately with it being “rough times,” Hubby and I couldn’t get over the news stories on the girl selling her virginity and the guy trying to sell his 14 year old daughter for beer and meat. I mean times are tough, people! So, I completely understand where they are coming from…..I think.

So, Hubby and I thought we should jump on this bandwagon, while the market is HOT!

Me: Can you believe all these stories?

Hubby: No. I know, maybe we should sell you.

Me: Good idea. I have no idea what the ad could say, but maybe something like Rent-a-wife or something and we should start the bid at 1 million dollars! ( I am totally worth it..stop laughing)

Hubby: Yea, but like only for one night cause I think I would miss you.

(Gotta love that Hubby….see he still loves me!)

Thinking to myself…I have no idea what this ad would say? Maybe something like:

Wife for Rent: Think I love Lucy…must have LOTS of patience. She doesn’t cook, usually feigns cleaning, and exclaims NOT IT whenever she wants to get out of chores (which is most of the time). Has no skills. Cannot sew, rarely does laundry, and belches a lot. Not really sure what she is good for, that is why I am selling her. Make me an offer. Comes AS IS. Have to rent out to make bill payments and to be able to buy beer. But, willing to negotiate because times are tough and her income is needed.

How does that sound, Hubby?

Hard times

The answer to all life’s problems.