Monster House

Hubby called yesterday to see if I was behaving myself. Well, as we all know…I am never one to behave myself…especially when I don’t get my afternoon nap in on my furlough day. 

Hubby: So, what have you been up to?

Me: Scaring small children in the neighborhood.

Hubby: How?

Me: Well, this little boy came to our door and wanted me to go look for his ball that he threw into our yard. I went out and looked for it, but couldn’t find it. It was annoying, it was like he wanted me to fetch his ball and I wasn’t all about that. So, I told him he could come in and go into the backyard and look for it if he wanted it that bad. I mean, he shouldn’t have thrown it into our yard in the first place. Only he got really scared and said “I don’t think my Mom would let me go into a stranger’s house.” So, I said sorry—I can’t find it….and shut the door and locked it.

(Note: Now before you all get mad at me, you need to realize our backyard is filled with weeds that come up to my knees AND giant landmines….not people friendly….so while I did take a quick glance around….I wasn’t about hacking through our weed jungle to find the missing ball. AND the kids are constantly throwing stuff into our backyard….so forgive me for my lack of patience.)

Hubby: Awww poor little boy! You are so mean. He probably now associates you as the MEAN OLD LADY in the neighborhood. Way to start a reputation.

When Hubby is Away the Cat will Play….

So, Hubby is out and about again on some consulting work. It is quite exciting really, because I get the bed to myself for 2 weeks. However, I will miss annoying him.  The truth is, I already (kind of) miss him…but don’t tell him that!

Whenever Hubby goes out of town, the pets always tend to act up a little. For instance, after getting up at 4:30AM to take Hubby to the airport, I decided to let Patches out quick to go potty and then my plan was to go straight back to bed. However, Americus, had other plans. There I was opening the door for Patches to come back in (just a crack mind you). When out runs Americus.

!!$(*#$(#*#

Me: Americus get back in here!

So, I run out after her, inadvertantly shutting the door behind me, which I had conviently locked. (Not genius material, people)

So there I am outside, locked out, with Americus staring up at me. I wanted to strangle her.

Eventually, I broke in through an open window. However, this is strike one against her. It’s like she KNOWS Hubby is away and figures it is her job to keep me entertained….nice right?

Score:

Pets: 1             Me: 0

Love is Patient…

Over the weekend, I was procrastinating. This entailed moving at a snail-like pace….barely getting ready to go out. Hubby wanted to take my car in because it has been acting funny.

Me (playing at the computer, caught in the act)

Hubby (meanly): WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET DONE. I don’t want to wait in long lines to get your car done!

Me(surprised he caught me): I am just taking a quick break, you were in my way!

Me: Clearly we need a break from each other! I can’t wait for you to leave this week!

Hubby: Me Too! How does leaving tomorrow for two weeks sound?

Me: That is just not soon enough!

And that is how much we love each other….ha ha

Weed Invasions and the Wonderful World of Rocks

A couple of weeks ago, I took a furlough day. What did I do with this wonderful day? I picked weeds.

(Note: Apparently, the NOT IT rule doesn’t work on weed picking. I want to see that fine print, Hubby.)

Not.Fun.

I used to think it would be amazing to live in the desert because of the lack of lawn maintenance, especially after moving from CT, where we had a yard the size of a medium jungle. Which was OH SO MUCH fun to maintain. So, once we got out West, I had a new-found passion for rocks. You know good ol’ rocks. You don’t have to mow them, you don’t have to clean them, you don’t have to maintain them. They simply just sit there and look pretty, so I thought.

BOY WAS I WRONG. How, you ask?

An infestation of weeds. We are not talking little, tiny weeds we are talking BIG, GYNORMOUS, HUGE Tree weeds. And not only are they HUGE, but their roots and stalks are the width of a paper towel roll. WHA?

Moral of Story: I HATE rocks. They are evil, they are NOT easy to maintain, and I guess I am just not cut out for yard work. AND I am lazy.

NOT IT Rules REINVOKED.

Yes, I believe in the Easter Bunny

I love the Easter Bunny, and at our house he ALWAYS comes. (Albeit in the form of Hubby, but that is besides the point)

One of my most favorite things that Hubby does for me is that he makes a big deal out of the Holidays for me. I don’t know why, but I.LOVE.HOLIDAYS. LOVE EM. Especially when it comes to holidays where one “gets” things. Easter baskets are a favorite for me because you get chocolate and LOTS of it. And because you have to go look for your basket….I like a little bit of a challenge, however if Hubby hides the baskets too well….well then I get crabby when I can’t find mine fast enough.

So, this holiday, the sisters are demanding Easter baskets too….

Rae: You better make me an Easter basket!

Hubby: No, I don’t have too….

Rae: Yes you do! Please? I will do the dishes (this is clear desperation here, people!)

Later on Hubby calls me

Hubby: So, I (the Jew) have to make you and your sisters Easter Baskets? What is wrong with this picture? And depending WHO is the nicest determines the SIZE of their Easter basket!

Me: I get the BIGGEST one! And don’t forget to hide them in good places–but don’t make mine too hard!

Gotta love Easter time! Hope you all have a great one!

My Inner Trucker Lady

So, it isn’t like I have a problem or anything, but I noticed that so far this entire week I have guzzled no, eh downed, no drank some sort of liquor beverage every night. Not that there is anything wrong with that, right?

I have determined that work causes me to drink. But, that is a different story for a different day. So, I come home after a hard day of work and Hubby pours me a nice glass of Crown and Coke. Yea, I am a whiskey, beer, wine, you name it, I will drink it gal. Judge away.

I think I am totally cool downing my whiskey, that is until I get a text from a friend.

Friend: You drunk yet?

Me: No, but I am drinking coke and Crown.

Friend: You are so classy.

Me: Don’t be jealous

But, I am right? I mean, I am classy and lady-like. That is why Hubby likes me, right? (BELCH).

Or is it cause he thinks he will get lucky?

P.S. Hubby oftens suffers from spouts of delusion, especially when I have a drink in hand. (BRRPPP)

Strange Phenomenons

Is it strange that for the second morning in a row, I woke up on the floor next to the bed? How did I get there? I don’t remember it. Meanwhile, looked up to find Patches, the dog with her head on my pillows, snoring, and sprawled out like a person on MY side of the bed. Then, under further examination, I find Hubby snuggling up to her, with his arm around her belly.

Clearly, I have been replaced by the dog. I think this is a conspiracy. I think I have been ousted. Evil BED HOG. How is she doing this? And HOW does Hubby not realize that he is snuggling up to a big, hairy beast?

I am not big or hairy …..nor a beast. At least I don’t think.

Stupid Bed Hog.

I think it is time for a bigger bed. Or maybe I should just get my OWN bed. Yea, I like that idea better. 🙂

The Husband Whisperer

It’s no secret that I love animals.

To get straight to the point, the order of love goes like this: I love my cat Boston, than Patches, than Hubby than Americus–in that order. It isn’t that I DON’T love Hubby, it is just that my pets don’t talk back and they have a tendency to be manipulated with food and favors more easily than Hubby. With this being said, I have learned a few training tactics that I thought I would share with you readers and anyone else who is interested in learning how to handle the difficult husband*.

(*Note: The word husband can be interchanged to be boyfriend, lover, etc., but in my case it directly refers to Hubby)

Here is my GENIUS idea: Write a book or create a television show much like the Dog Whisperer, only I will call it The Husband Whisperer. (Aren’t you glad I got my MBA? I am so amazing with ideas, but the money part, totally lacking…)

Here goes:

Training Tactic 1:

If a situation occurs where the Hubby asks you where his keys or any other item is….DO NOT scamper after him trying to find those items for him. If you do, you are being an ENABLER. Instead, do not acknowledge him and do not stop what you are doing. Instead you must remain silent, ignoring this bad behavior. This is an animal trainer tactic: You don’t reward bad behavior.

Training Tactic 2:

Do not use nagging, a typical last resort wife tactic. Why? Because the more you ask your Hubby to put down the toilet seat, the less he will do it. So, instead start noticing when your Hubby surprises you by doing laundry and thank him profusely; Squeal in delight when he makes you dinner—without being asked, and ALWAYS, ALWAYS praise him for remembering to do an assigned chore or task that is specifically a “boy’s job”. This method is called approximation tactics (I really do watch too much Animal Planet). Also known as the reverse psychology method. This tactic allows you to reward small steps toward a whole new behavior.

Training Tactic 3:

Do try and teach the Hubby to stop doing one bad thing, by associating that thing with another more productive, more positive thing. For example, my Hubby has a tendency to use the computer when I do, especially when I am blogging. This is not normally a problem, because we have two computers, however, he will tend to hover over me and ask me to pass him things while I am trying to type out my amazing thoughts. Not cool, right? So, rather than allow him to continue this bad behavior the key is to give him something else to do, so that if he does follow me into the computer room, I have already plotted out an activity for him to accomplish…such as researching an amazing vacation (Hey! A Wifey can dream) for us or having him work on bills. That way he is lured away from bugging me, and occupied with a different project. This is association theory. Eventually, Hubby will learn to associate my time at the computer with his time to be productive.

I know these tactics seem cruel; but trust me they really DO work because I have been testing them out on Hubby. He, much like the pets, desires to be trained. It is an inner desire to WANT to have some structure and discipline, he just doesn’t realize it all the time. Wife trainers, much like animal trainers, need to learn to reward behavior that is good and ignore behavior that is bad. This is a key tactic to master. Just think about it: You can’t teach your dog to roll over and play dead just by whining and stamping your feet at her, right?

So readers, you are tasked with trying this at home, and let me know how it goes after your trial run. I am interested in determining if I am on to something here…..

 

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I love Hubby sometimes, I really do (he did not pay or bribe me to say this)! However, it is my job to mold him into the perfect Hubby. You know, someone who might annoy me less and who will do what I say….thus making it easier for me to love him, just like I do the pets! J

MANswers

 

1. What is the object of your blog!!!!….

 

Answer:  I have no clue.  I have thought about talking about the wifey’s bad habits, since mine seem to come as great humor to so many, but the fact of the matter is that I have done nothing about it.  We had some idle conversation at lunch one day and then the next thing I know there is a post and an outcry for me to start writing.  Since I don’t blog, I have put it on the back shelf, instead concentrating more on finding a job.  Anticipating the wifey’s response, there are plenty of times where I have sat around and watched TV, so the time is there I just have not done it

 

2. “How about, for Father’s Day, your amazing (genuis, cute, etc.) wifey does two days of ‘it’ duty? She’s a good sport, and she loves you, and you love her, which means you have make her some beer-basted ribs for Mothers Day . . . or have Jersey Mike’s catered.”

 

Answer:  That would not work because the “amazing wifey” would take May as an entire “Not it” month.  When it comes to birthdays I have my one day and she explains that during the entire month of her birthday I have to be nice because it is her birthday month.  Come to think of it, she does the same thing for her unbirthday month.  I’m screwed.

 

3. Q: how does it feel to have the perfect wife and how do you fend off the hordes of men trying to steal her away?

 

Answer:  As for the perfect wife I could get carpel tunnel disputing this statement, but she makes me happy, so I guess I will keep her around for a while.  The hordes of men are not an issue. Because when we where living in Texas (in our mid twenties), there was a middle school across the street.  I was not too concerned when she was outside getting the mail and got asked if she was going to attend the MIDDLE school dance or not.

 

4. I am curious about what your husband thinks of your blog?

 

Answer:  First off: Hi Lori and I had fun hanging out with Aaron.  P.S. if he gets out of line, throw a package of beer nuts at him, it will get his attention.    I am fine with her blog because at least, so far nothing too damaging has been posted.  As long as things stay in good taste I am fine.  Sometimes she spends a little too much time at the computer blogging for her readers, but she is happy doing it.

 

5. Just what makes you think you can step into these remarkable blogging shoes? What are your strengths and weaknesses?

 

Answer:  I don’t think I can step into her blogging shoes plain and simple.  As for my strength I love wifey, but somehow that also serves as my weakness.

 

6. What was the last nice thing you did for wifey?

 

Answer:  When I returned home yesterday from one of my interviews I brought her a gift.  It is a magnet that says “This house is owned & operated solely for the comfort & convenience of the CAT!”  I felt it was fitting.

 

7. What was your reaction the first time you saw your lovely wife febreeze her feet?

 

Answer:   did not actually see her febreeze her feet.  She stuck them in my face afterwards and all I can say is that febreeze needs to make a stronger product.

 

8. If you were going to be stranded on a deserted island and you could only take 3 items with you…what would they be and why?

 

Answer:  What is this some kind of psych exam?  First would be wifey for extra curricular activities.  ( I mean what kind of question is this? I mean this is her blog and I can’t come out and say I want to take Jessica Alba).  Second, a large case of Makers Mark because why the hell not.  Last A FRIGIN BOAT SO I CAN GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. 

 

9. Mr. Hubby, what do you do to compensate for the greatness of your wifey? Do you become the best at something else [outside of the home of course, so as not to overshadow wifey] or have you simply learned to live with it?

 

Answer: Not sure if you are being sarcastic about outside the home.  If you mean at home you have missed a few blogs about why the wifey married me and her lack of well placed cooking skills.  Someone actually bought her a book on how to cook everything.  She might have looked up boiling an egg and for how long, but that is it.  As for not overshadowing her outside the house I just stay back about ten feet to accommodate the ego that all of her loyal readers have given her.  THANKS!

 

10. What made you fall in love with your lovely wife?

 

Answer:  I love her sarcastic nature and many other qualities.  We are a great match, and I don’t know how anyone could not love her because as she put it she is the most perfect wifey ever.

 

11. What is the greatest thing your wife could give you as a present….that didn’t require money or sex to acquire?

Answer: This was a hard one, since everything I thought of was sex or money. BUT, the best thing would be for me to come home one day, and for Wifey to have cooked me a nice four course dinner. (But we all know this would never happen)

Brought to you courtesy of the Great and Powerful Hubby

Ask Hubby

Hubby has been tinkering away at his so called first blog, but he can’t seem to make up his mind on a topic. Like there are a lack of things to talk about? I can think of a multitude of topics, especially talking about his amazing, loving, genius and cute wifey. So, it is your turn readers…..I am going to turn over the reigns to Hubby…but just for one blog (we all know he won’t be as popular as me), since he does seem to want to share some of his side of the story.

I have decided he should get inspired, by you dear readers! So ask away, and I will make him answer each and every one of your amazing questions….you know (i.e. how amazing is your wife? How do you live in her shadow? She seems like the perfect wife, how did you find her?) Hopefully this will probe his little brain and make him reflect on how really lucky he is to have me….

Right Hubby? Cause I am pretty perfect!

So, don’t disappoint me readers, I feel the need to be entertained….fire away!