The Cold, Hard Facts Per Hubby

Marriage Secrets Revealed

 

Secret #1

Maybe that missing tee shirt you were looking for didn’t really get eaten by the dryer, but maybe I threw it out cause it is ugly. Maybe.

Secret #2
I know that you eat all my chocolate stashed in the house and then ask who ate all the krackel bars? They did not get lost and Rae didn’t eat them all! I won’t believe it.

Secret #3

I always know where your keys, knife, belt, tee shirt, shoes or any other miscellaneous object is. I just like to watch you run around like a crazy person looking for something.

Secret #4

When I say, “I don’t care”, sometimes I don’t care. Sometime I do. Listen for the tone. You should be able to figure out my tone by now.

Secret #5

I don’t really care if you go out with your friends to drink or hang out. I really DO want you to get out of the house. Please. Why? Because I need some alone time and you always come back realizing how amazing I am compared to your friends wives or significant others! Cause I AM AMAZING.

Secret #6

I LOVE when you go out of town. Really. I do. I can then watch whatever I want on TV. I am in charge of the remote and I can sit in bed all day and do nothing. I can play Guitar Hero for hours on end and don’t have to share it with you AND I can pee with the bathroom door open, since you are not there to be weirded out. Basically, I can do everything you won’t let me do when you are here.

Secret #7

I am not really still sleeping when I hit you, poke you, or steal your pillows. I am trying to reclaim my area of the bed or get you to move over and stop crowding me. Or get you to stop snoring. Or get you to stop breathing in my face. Or get you to turn over, so I can steal more room on our too small bed.

Secret #8

Sometimes I tell you there is free food at work, so I don’t have to eat my lunch and I can just go to Jersey Mike’s instead. Especially when you pack me a PB & J sandwich. No one likes that many PB & J sandwiches. No one.

Secret #9

I know when it comes to putting away laundry you claim to “not know” where any of my clothes go, so you don’t have to put them away or fold them. I know this because you pretend I am some kind of organized freak even though it is YOU who tries to color code your tee shirts. Oh yea, I have noticed. This makes me crazy. I hate putting away laundry and that is why I pretend we have run out of hangers sometimes, so I can just pile your clothes somewhere for you to deal with. Sometimes.

 Secret #10

Your missing swimsuit edition of Maxim or Sports Illustrated? Oh yea, I don’t know. Where did it go? I mean, it might have “accidentally” fallen into the trash can. You didn’t read it? Oh no!

Secret #11

Sometimes I encourage and give the cat your flip flops to bite, since you leave them out all the time. Is it that hard to put your shoes away? And when you see the bite marks you think she has been eating your shoes again, little do you know that it is me who cheers her on in her destruction.

Secret #12

Sometimes I call or text our Mothers to talk about you. Especially when you are being a brat. Usually they both can convince me to stay married to you. You have no idea how much you owe our Mothers. No idea.

Fact

This is why dessert is important in our house…

Eating Krackel Bars

Earlier this week, Hubby came barreling through the house wanting to know who ate all his Krackel chocolate bars. Alas, I was sick and Rae was never home. So, I pointed out to Hubby, that it MUST have been HIM that ate all his Krackel bars…..

Me: You probably ate them all yourself!

Hubby: I did not! I know there was ONE left!

Me: You’re an emotional eater.

Hubby: Are you saying I am fat?

Me: No, I am just saying you ate them all yourself and you don’t even realize it! Want some popcorn?

Hubby: No, I am not eating now!

Texting is Killing my Marriage…

Well, almost. I mean I do have a flair for the dramatic, just a little.

 I do admit that I have  a lot of crazy traits–obsessive deleting, inability to cook pasta, screaming NOT IT in the middle of conversations with the Hubby, deafness (only when I hear something I don’t want to do), and I suppose I am a bit quirky. BUT these are all things Hubby loves about me…right Hubby?

But, I just CAN’T.STOP.TEXTING. I admit it. I am obsessed.Rather than pick up the phone (EVER) I just text. Everyone, everwhere, all the time. This is where we get into the “ruining my marriage” part. The BILL. Not pretty people, not pretty AT ALL.

Me (trying to hide the Sprint bill, miserably failing)

Hubby: What have you got there?

Me: Hmmm you aren’t going to like it. My cell bill.

Hubby: How much did you go over THIS time? I mean you HAVE 1000 texts! I have 200 and I never go over!

Me (in true addict form): I know, but it isn’t enough, it is just NOT ENOUGH…really; I promise not to do it next time (all lies, mind you)

Hubby (sighing heavily): Do you have to text so much? Why don’t you just call people?

Me: Because I HATE talking to people. Texting is in and out… I don’t have to talk and if I am bored…I can just stop texting. You should blame my cousin for teaching me!

Hubby (exasperated): BUT, you always text back; it is like you ALWAYS have to have the last word!

Me (still in denial): They must have messed it up somewhere….right? I know…I know…..it is a serious problem! Do you think they have a Texter’s Anonymous?

Me (inspired by genius): I know! We should just pitch a “texting only” plan to the cell company….do you think they would go for it? That is what I need!

More on the NOT IT front…

The cats are out front eating grass, getting some outside time, while Hubby and I sit and watch.

Me: Uh OH!

Hubby: What?

Me: Both cats are nibbling on the grass out front.

Me and Hubby (in unison): NOT IT

Hubby: You can’t call NOT IT before there is a noise or a present on the ground.

Me: Can too and YOU DID. Did you find that present earlier this week, that I left for you? You were asleep, I didn’t want to wake you by screaming NOT IT. 🙂

Hubby (incredulous): You SAW it and LEFT it?

To obey or not? THAT is the question…

Well, Hubby is away in Texas this week, so I will not be able to have our exciting pre-bedtime conversations about SEXY scruff, getting old and the NOT IT rule.

Instead, I will try and get into trouble in other ways. Such as, avoiding his explicit instructions to not forget to put on Patches’ headcone everyday this week….hmmm we shall see……..but, she hates it people, she really hates it. If you don’t know what I am talking about, please see My Dog, the ConeHead

See those sad eyes. It is like she is a teenager in headgear!

So, tell me what do you think?