Category Archives: Husbands

Dear Hubby Part 1

Don’t really miss you yet and I am doing fine.

 Barely any bad behavior…even did the dishes, however Rae and The Hostage keep making more.

I love having the bed to myself….except I am constantly fighting Patches for space.

I am still thinking the whole concept of getting our own separate twin beds would work.

Think about it, this could be cute! How about it?

twin-beds1

Love,

Wifey

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The Husband Whisperer

hubby-training

It’s no secret that I love animals.

To get straight to the point, the order of love goes like this: I love my cat Boston, than Patches, than Hubby than Americus–in that order. It isn’t that I DON’T love Hubby, it is just that my pets don’t talk back and they have a tendency to be manipulated with food and favors more easily than Hubby. With this being said, I have learned a few training tactics that I thought I would share with you readers and anyone else who is interested in learning how to handle the difficult husband*.

(*Note: The word husband can be interchanged to be boyfriend, lover, etc., but in my case it directly refers to Hubby)

Here is my GENIUS idea: Write a book or create a television show much like the Dog Whisperer, only I will call it The Husband Whisperer. (Aren’t you glad I got my MBA? I am so amazing with ideas, but the money part, totally lacking…)

Here goes:

Training Tactic 1:

If a situation occurs where the Hubby asks you where his keys or any other item is….DO NOT scamper after him trying to find those items for him. If you do, you are being an ENABLER. Instead, do not acknowledge him and do not stop what you are doing. Instead you must remain silent, ignoring this bad behavior. This is an animal trainer tactic: You don’t reward bad behavior.

Training Tactic 2:

Do not use nagging, a typical last resort wife tactic. Why? Because the more you ask your Hubby to put down the toilet seat, the less he will do it. So, instead start noticing when your Hubby surprises you by doing laundry and thank him profusely; Squeal in delight when he makes you dinner—without being asked, and ALWAYS, ALWAYS praise him for remembering to do an assigned chore or task that is specifically a “boy’s job”. This method is called approximation tactics (I really do watch too much Animal Planet). Also known as the reverse psychology method. This tactic allows you to reward small steps toward a whole new behavior.

Training Tactic 3:

Do try and teach the Hubby to stop doing one bad thing, by associating that thing with another more productive, more positive thing. For example, my Hubby has a tendency to use the computer when I do, especially when I am blogging. This is not normally a problem, because we have two computers, however, he will tend to hover over me and ask me to pass him things while I am trying to type out my amazing thoughts. Not cool, right? So, rather than allow him to continue this bad behavior the key is to give him something else to do, so that if he does follow me into the computer room, I have already plotted out an activity for him to accomplish…such as researching an amazing vacation (Hey! A Wifey can dream) for us or having him work on bills. That way he is lured away from bugging me, and occupied with a different project. This is association theory. Eventually, Hubby will learn to associate my time at the computer with his time to be productive.

I know these tactics seem cruel; but trust me they really DO work because I have been testing them out on Hubby. He, much like the pets, desires to be trained. It is an inner desire to WANT to have some structure and discipline, he just doesn’t realize it all the time. Wife trainers, much like animal trainers, need to learn to reward behavior that is good and ignore behavior that is bad. This is a key tactic to master. Just think about it: You can’t teach your dog to roll over and play dead just by whining and stamping your feet at her, right?

So readers, you are tasked with trying this at home, and let me know how it goes after your trial run. I am interested in determining if I am on to something here…..

 

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I love Hubby sometimes, I really do (he did not pay or bribe me to say this)! However, it is my job to mold him into the perfect Hubby. You know, someone who might annoy me less and who will do what I say….thus making it easier for me to love him, just like I do the pets! J

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That’s A Boy’s Job…

dirty

I was reading my Bloggy twin’s blog and it is just so weird how alike we are. I mean we even use the exact.same.language AND we live in different countries. How weird is that? So check her out, she is pretty cool, kinda like myself! 

Hubby: Do the dishes.

Me: That’s a boy’s job!

Hubby: Take out the trash.

Me: That’s a boy’s job.

Hubby: Clean the bathrooms.

Me: That’s a boy’s job!

Hubby: Come outside and pick the weeds with me.

Me: That’s a boy’s job!

Hubby: FINE, what exactly isn’ t a boy’s job?

Me:  Ummmm hmmmmmm. Yea, I can’t think of anything.

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The Dirty Fighter

fights

LOUD NOISE of dog throwing up next to me in the computer room.

Me (shouting): NOT IT! HUBBY, NOT IT!

Hubby (angrily): That does NOT count!

Me (sweetly, if that is EVEN possible): Yes it does, I need to get in the shower and get ready for bed. (Remember I get up at 4:30, it doesn’t matter that it is only 8pm)

Hubby: It is still early; you have PLENTY of time to clean up the dog throw up.

Me: WHATEVER, you still owe me from when Americus was sick (thankfully she is better now—though we still don’t know what was wrong with her) because I cleaned up LOADS of vomit and poo.

Hubby(clearly exasperated): Uh huh. Well then fine, I will clean this up, but you have to sift the cat litter.

Me (whiney): Please, Hubby! Can’t you do it? I am heading into the shower right now…

10 minutes later

Hubby (NOW YELLING at his cute wifey): Are you STILL on that computer!? You cannot call not it and not even head to the shower!

Me (now yelling because Hubby is yelling): We are in a fight! I am going to write you a hate blog!

Me: Running to shower

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Filed under Husbands, Irrational, Uncategorized

Confessions of a Tupperware Closet Monster

Not our real drawer...just a sample. I cannot mortify Hubby by posting real pictures. That is just too humiliating.

Not our real drawer...just a sample. I cannot mortify Hubby by posting real pictures. That is just too humiliating.

So, out of my MANY, MANY, MANY WONDERFUL qualities, I do have one downfall. I suppose I can let you in on this little secret, but just know that it has been passed down many, many generations on my dad’s side. It is….wait for it…the curse of the tupperware closet monster.

The lore goes that somewhere deep inside me is a tupperware closet monster. How does it emerge, you might ask? Well, whenever one is unloading the dishwasher it comes time to put away the tupperware. I.HATE.PUTTING.AWAY.TUPPERWARE. This is when I am overcome. I fall into a trance and before I know it, I reawaken and all the tupperware is tossed put away.

I only recently realized it was hereditary when I caught Rae tossing putting away tupperware the same exact way. The monster was in her blood too!

NOTE: This is where I should mention that the tupperware closet is Hubby’s pride and joy. It is so cute how he likes to make sure each tupperware fits into another one, according to size. He then puts all the lids in similar size-arranged order. It is actually quite crazy, obsessive, psycho strange if you ask me, but it makes him happy. So who am I to judge?

But once I came into the picture, Hubby no longer knew the beauty and organization of the tupperware closet. Soon chaos hit the tupperware closet. Today, the tupperware closet is no longer organized into nice inner-fitting shapes, with matching lids. It no longer glistens in its’ organized crazy, psycho bliss. Now it is a closet nightmare: scary, messy and ready to fall out on anyone who dares open the door. Kinda like an avalanche building, bursting, and silently, but deadly awaiting Hubby, the unsuspecting prey.

This ONE downfall of mine does not make Hubby happy, in fact, he was so excited to show me his accomplishment today!

Hubby: Look Dear, I re-organized the tupperware closet! (He is BEAMING with pride here)

Me (feigning interest): Wow, Hubby, looks amazing. Really it does. Great job.

Fastforward to clean up time after dinner

Me (under my breath): Hmmmm well, that tupperware closet DID look good. ( I than quietly kick nudge the door shut and back away slowly)

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Cheater!

south-park-guitar

So unfair! I am the reigning Guitar Hero Champ in our house when Hubby and I play, but due to my sickness I am not up to par.

So tonight, Hubby won. But, under false pretenses. I am challenging him when I get better. You hear that, HUBBY? I challenge you to a real duel. Mr-I-play-on-easy-all-the-time-EASY! You scared?

Hubby: I ROCK, I am the guitar hero CHAMP! Wanna kiss a REAL rocker, baby?

Me: I.Hate.You.

Hubby (mock British): Oh, come on baby….I am a guitar hero champ.

Me: I.Hate.You.

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Really, Sports Illustrated, Really?

My blogger friend at A Round World Through Square Glasses , wrote the following post What The Heck…Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover? that made me laugh so loud at work today (yea, I was taking a “break”) that people looked at me like I was crazy.  I guess I now understand the male take on marketing for men ….maybe.

So, after reading his take on this, I decided that I must respond, but by giving the female perspective. Cause everyone knows girls are always right!

WIFE READER: Are you serious? That girl is basically taking off her swimsuit for the whole world to see. What a hooker. I had better stop eating for the next year, so I can look that good. I bet she was airbrushed anyways….she doesn’t REALLY look that good in real life!  I mean really, husband, when will you wake up and realize NOTHING is that good in real life. I mean sure she is tan, sculpted, implanted in all the right areas, and shows no signs of wrinkles, cellulite, or hairy legs but that is because she has a HUGE posse of people to take care of her with loads of money to make her look perfect. It just isn’t real. IT.IS.AN.ILLUSION. And if it IS real, send over that huge posse and bank account to me, so I can look that good too! And you wonder, Husband, why I go to bed in my ripped tee shirts and granny panties, I don’t want to set any unrealistic dreams or goals for you. And besides IF I did look that good with a posse to tote around, do you think I would be here right now?

 (brushing of donut crumbs while skimming the mag): Hey! This magazine isn’t half bad…

*sigh* oh to be young and hot again…..

si1

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