Moved–FOR REALS THIS TIME!

Monday= GIVEAWAY DAY!

Check out the cool free stuff at: goodbadandugly2.com!

Well, it’s official. I am moving! No, really! Come join me at goodbadandugly2.com you won’t want to miss out on the most exciting giveaway that has me trembling with excitement. I won’t be updating this site anymore…so if you don’t want to miss out, come join me!

Monday is the big day—for giveaways and celebration because this project was no easy task! The new site is officially launched and you all can start clicking on ads, so I can earn some money (make Hubby proud, people or just support my blogging addiction, either way you are helping me out)!

Make sure you check back on Monday because you won’t want to miss out on a big exciting giveaway. It is WAY awesome and something that will make you chuckle with glee.

So be sure to follow me on my new adventure and site! Don’t forget to change your bookmarks!

 New Site: goodbadandugly2.com

 

And a HUGE thank you to my friend, GB, for helping me through the “creative” process! I literally thought I would kill you at times…but I LOVE the new site…except for….just kidding! And for helping me, after I messed up my site yesterday too…I PROMISE to never touch anything again…

Not a genius…

So, I am not a genius today (shocking, right?).

I was messing around in the new site, NOT making any changes…just seeing what stuff did….and I did something. Apparently something bad cause it isn’t working.

Don’t know what I did…..but hang in there….no one is sadder than me, I think I need to not touch things anymore….

Emails to GB, web person friend, who will probably kill me—I’m thinking he needs to child proof my site  (me being the child here).

Me: Uhhhh you better take a look at my site…..it is messed up, but I didn’t do it!

GB: What did you do? Did you touch something?

Me: No

Me: Well….I mean, I DID just click one plugin thingy to see what it was…and so it MIGHT have been my fault.

GB: no answer, silence

Dear Hubby Part 1

Don’t really miss you yet and I am doing fine.

 Barely any bad behavior…even did the dishes, however Rae and The Hostage keep making more.

I love having the bed to myself….except I am constantly fighting Patches for space.

I am still thinking the whole concept of getting our own separate twin beds would work.

Think about it, this could be cute! How about it?

Love,

Wifey

The Battle Continues…

Score:

Pets: 3     Me: 1 (chased them all, while wildly flailing my arms)

Monster House

Hubby called yesterday to see if I was behaving myself. Well, as we all know…I am never one to behave myself…especially when I don’t get my afternoon nap in on my furlough day. 

Hubby: So, what have you been up to?

Me: Scaring small children in the neighborhood.

Hubby: How?

Me: Well, this little boy came to our door and wanted me to go look for his ball that he threw into our yard. I went out and looked for it, but couldn’t find it. It was annoying, it was like he wanted me to fetch his ball and I wasn’t all about that. So, I told him he could come in and go into the backyard and look for it if he wanted it that bad. I mean, he shouldn’t have thrown it into our yard in the first place. Only he got really scared and said “I don’t think my Mom would let me go into a stranger’s house.” So, I said sorry—I can’t find it….and shut the door and locked it.

(Note: Now before you all get mad at me, you need to realize our backyard is filled with weeds that come up to my knees AND giant landmines….not people friendly….so while I did take a quick glance around….I wasn’t about hacking through our weed jungle to find the missing ball. AND the kids are constantly throwing stuff into our backyard….so forgive me for my lack of patience.)

Hubby: Awww poor little boy! You are so mean. He probably now associates you as the MEAN OLD LADY in the neighborhood. Way to start a reputation.

Hard Realizations

      Did you know my name means wealthy? Yea, not happening…..

4 AM Wakeup Call

4:00 AM wakeup call on my furlough day. NOT COOL.

MEOW!   MEOW!   MEOW!

Americus started the ruckus by swinging at the blinds in our room, over my head. I tried not to move. Any signs of movement….and they will pounce, if they notice. I believe the cats sit up on on their hind legs, extend a paw, slash the blinds and stare at my head….waiting for signs of movement. If they see that their efforts are in vain, then they begin phase 2: stomach walking (crushing) and licking of eyelids–that usually does the trick, movement is unavoidable. Trust me on this one, sandpaper tongue on your eyelids isn’t the best feeling.

It is SO on……

Demons.

Score:

Pets: 2    Me: 0

Why don’t they do this when Hubby is here?

When Hubby is Away the Cat will Play….

So, Hubby is out and about again on some consulting work. It is quite exciting really, because I get the bed to myself for 2 weeks. However, I will miss annoying him.  The truth is, I already (kind of) miss him…but don’t tell him that!

Whenever Hubby goes out of town, the pets always tend to act up a little. For instance, after getting up at 4:30AM to take Hubby to the airport, I decided to let Patches out quick to go potty and then my plan was to go straight back to bed. However, Americus, had other plans. There I was opening the door for Patches to come back in (just a crack mind you). When out runs Americus.

!!$(*#$(#*#

Me: Americus get back in here!

So, I run out after her, inadvertantly shutting the door behind me, which I had conviently locked. (Not genius material, people)

So there I am outside, locked out, with Americus staring up at me. I wanted to strangle her.

Eventually, I broke in through an open window. However, this is strike one against her. It’s like she KNOWS Hubby is away and figures it is her job to keep me entertained….nice right?

Score:

Pets: 1             Me: 0

Love is Patient…

Over the weekend, I was procrastinating. This entailed moving at a snail-like pace….barely getting ready to go out. Hubby wanted to take my car in because it has been acting funny.

Me (playing at the computer, caught in the act)

Hubby (meanly): WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET DONE. I don’t want to wait in long lines to get your car done!

Me(surprised he caught me): I am just taking a quick break, you were in my way!

Me: Clearly we need a break from each other! I can’t wait for you to leave this week!

Hubby: Me Too! How does leaving tomorrow for two weeks sound?

Me: That is just not soon enough!

And that is how much we love each other….ha ha

Weed Invasions and the Wonderful World of Rocks

A couple of weeks ago, I took a furlough day. What did I do with this wonderful day? I picked weeds.

(Note: Apparently, the NOT IT rule doesn’t work on weed picking. I want to see that fine print, Hubby.)

Not.Fun.

I used to think it would be amazing to live in the desert because of the lack of lawn maintenance, especially after moving from CT, where we had a yard the size of a medium jungle. Which was OH SO MUCH fun to maintain. So, once we got out West, I had a new-found passion for rocks. You know good ol’ rocks. You don’t have to mow them, you don’t have to clean them, you don’t have to maintain them. They simply just sit there and look pretty, so I thought.

BOY WAS I WRONG. How, you ask?

An infestation of weeds. We are not talking little, tiny weeds we are talking BIG, GYNORMOUS, HUGE Tree weeds. And not only are they HUGE, but their roots and stalks are the width of a paper towel roll. WHA?

Moral of Story: I HATE rocks. They are evil, they are NOT easy to maintain, and I guess I am just not cut out for yard work. AND I am lazy.

NOT IT Rules REINVOKED.

All you need is….

 Me: There is no beer in the fridge!

Hubby: Guess we better go to the store.

Me: We are broke.

Hubby: Beer is essential to life, guess we go without food.

 

 

 

The Black Line

 

So this weekend I attended a baby shower for my dearest, oldest friend (not old in the literal sense), but old as in we go way, way back! We joked about how long we have known each other, which stems back to Tot Lot, a place for kids almost ready for kindergarten. Yea, we go way back. She was always the quiet, good kid, and I was the not so quiet, I-can’t-help-that-I-have-a-loud-voice kid. She used to get me in trouble all the time, by whispering to me in her near silent voice“…want to come over today?”  Whereas, my whisper back “ WHAT DID YOU SAY?” would send me packing for the black line. For those of you that don’t know what a black line is…it was the line in the Kindergarten classroom separating the carpet from the tile floor. But, to me, it was the BLACK LINE of shame for those who committed the eternal sin of LOUD WHISPERS. Our friendship was always a strong one, after awhile the black line became my friend, as well as the family joke!

My grandparents would come to visit and they would ask, “Did you have to sit on the black line today?” and I would reply, “yes, but today it was a big black snake taking me for a ride through the desert.” AHHH if only the black line could come rescue me from my job during the course of the day! How I miss you, my friend!

The Alarm Clock from Hell

Ok, so here is the deal. I am not a morning person. The thought of getting up when it is still dark outside, is repulsive and just wrong. I would rather stay burrowed in my covers til mid afternoon if that was possible. So you can imagine how unforgiving I can be when the alarm clock goes off. NOT A PRETTY PICTURE! Now, the hubby can get up just fine, however he will hit the snooze button so many times that I will basically want to kill him. I don’t know what I have against the snooze button, but all I can say is that I am irrational in the morning, so there is no point in trying to understand it.

Lately, it is not the snooze button that is making me crazy, but our demon possessed cat, Americus. I believe she thinks she is THE NEWEST ALARM CLOCK on the market. She will begin her meowing, and I don’t mean meowing, I mean MEOWING at about 15 minutes before the alarm even makes a peep and will not stop until one of us gets out of bed to feed the demon. I don’t know what her deal is, is she meticulously trying to kill me in a slow, painful death? Or is this just her revenge because I like to squeeze her like Elmira from Tiny Toons? I really can’t help it, and I always thought she liked it….but they always say revenge comes in the simplest forms and if this is her revenge, then it is ON, baby!

Sisterly Love

I am the oldest (and cutest) of three sisters and since moving back out West, we are now in close proximity to each other. What I mean by this is: on foot it takes me 2 minutes to get to my sister’s house. Yea, it is AWESOME. So, you ask how’d we all get to be so close—in proximity and sisterly love? Well, it wasn’t always that way. Here are my recollections:

When Sar was first born, I was less then pleased. There was a new, annoying person taking over my parents, my toys, and MY attention! Then we got a little older and she started to annoy me even more, was this EVEN possible? I couldn’t go anywhere without her tagging along! My parents always insisted that I play with her in MY room. If she cried, I got the blame. If we were fighting, I had to give in first. She was a sneaky child; when she was mad, she was always one to let you know in different and unique ways, by sneaking into my room and turning all my belongings upside down. Trust me, when you are 9 years old subtlety can be a killer! I can remember begging my parents to get rid of her and give her to a nice family, but they never took me up on any of those requests!

Then something happened: Rae was born, the last and final child. All of the sudden, it wasn’t so bad sharing Barbie’s cause we could team up and give Rae the ugly ones that no one else wanted…and better yet she didn’t even notice! We could get her to do things for us, in order to allow her to play with us! Rae became that person we could pick on….double the torment, double the fun! Unbeknownst to Rae, we could manipulate her to do what we needed. I can recall the time we told her she was adopted, but not to mention it to Mom and Dad because it would make them cry! Yea, we were evil! But, overall, she wasn’t half bad and she usually could see past our evil ploys.

Eventually, we all got past our differences and now I can’t imagine a moment without either of my sisters, the little women! And I know they would be so SAD without me being so close to TORMENT them…some things never change!

Happily Ever After…

Me: When I get married again, I am going to marry a doctor!

Hubby: Good luck. 

Me: My name means wealthy!

Hubby: Too bad you changed it to mine, now you are S.O.L!

True love, eh?

A picture’s worth a thousand words

Jersey Mike’s

So, I have a confession to make. While living in Connecticut, I discovered the most SUCCULENT, AMAZING, MOUTH WATERING, BEST sub place in America. Hard to believe, huh? Trust me, I don’t need to pinch you….it exists! And it was the one thing I thought I would miss most. But, lucky for me, the stars were aligned.

One of the biggest factors to consider when deciding to move out West was:  did Jersey Mike’s even exist out in the desert? If not, the decision to move would be harder than I thought! Luckily, I was told by the CT store that one was being built out West. Thankfully, I could now get my fix there too (yes, I am an addict, and yes I need help…do not judge me).

I continued to stalk and call (they already had a phone number listed on the website…but no one ever answered) the new building in the hopes that I could will it to be done that much faster, and luckily in no time it was the Grand Opening! As you can imagine, I was there on opening day, ready and waiting for my #7 sandwich, Mike’s Way of course! MMMMMM! So, my feeding frenzy continued to thrive and trust me, it is not pretty!

I cannot even explain my obsession with this place, if I do not have it at least once I week, I feel like my hunger cannot be quenched. Much to the hubby’s chagrin, I know where every store is out here and where new ones will pop up. I will probably cause us to go broke with my continual obsession with this sub shop, but he will have to get over it, or divorce me first. J

My advice to you is to go find one in your area and try it for yourself, if you don’t drop down in a dead faint from its wonderfulness, then I will be shocked! Trust me, once you have had the “Jersey Mike Experience” you will either feel the same way, or you can be entitled to your own wrong opinion, but know that you are wrong—very, very wrong!

 

 

Crazy People and Me

I think I have a knack for meeting the oddest people out there. Either I emit some type of a signal that says…”come talk to me crazy people” or it could be I am like catnip for the crazies, not sure which yet.

When I lived in CT, I tended to meet all kinds of wackos. Once, while working at a nameless job in CT, I worked with a girl who used to mimic me all the time. No I am not kidding. At first, I thought she was just talking to herself, no biggie. But, I soon noticed the words that came out were usually statements I had made about a minute ago. This girl was NUTS. I can recall one conversation with her: (I will call her CL for Crazy Lady)

CL: I love Garlic bagels, I eat them every day. I am sure they make my breath stink, but I LOVE them.

Me: uh huh (then answering phone) Hi. How can I help you.

CL:  mimicking, “hi, how can I help you.”

Me to CL:  Can you tell me why you are mimicking me, while I am on the phone?

CL:  I like to mimic and copy you. It is just what I do.

Who does that?

One time the hubby and I were in Blockbuster. We walked in front of a lady who was looking at movies, so the hubby says….

H: Excuse me, maam.

CL#2   grabs him by the arm while declaring in a very, very loud voice: YOU AREN’T FROM HERE, ARE YOU?

 H: No maam. (Hubby looks scared, I whisper to him, just play along, she is probably crazy—at this point I am unphased).

CL#2 states (still shrieking loudly) you just made my day! For saying excuse me, no one does that anymore! Then walks away cackling loudly.

Where do these people come from?

Lastly, when first moving to CT, we lived in a duplex. (Us on the bottom, crazy neighbors on top).  First night we move in, I unknowingly parked on his side of the Carport. CN (crazy neighbor) comes barreling down the road and proceeds to stop by the carport and starts screaming at me:

CN: What the F*** are you doing in my spot! Get the H*** out. That is MY SPOT.

Me: (thinking he is about to burst a blood vessel in his forehead) Hi, I am your new neighbor, didn’t know this was your spot. Nice to meet you!

So, as you can tell by the above events I attract crazy people like ants to a dropped piece of candy on the ground! I don’t know how I do it! Hopefully, I can stop this soon, but I have a feeling they will find me sooner or later, they always do. (TWILIGHT ZONE theme music)

Ignorance is Bliss…

Hubby: Did you check the mail today?

Me: No, there are probably only yucky bills in there; so why bother? Let me pretend to live in denial for a few more days!

He loves me not…

 

My hubby got an iphone this weekend. I don’t think he loves me anymore. I haven’t seen him in days.

I guess I have been replaced.

BBQs, Apples To Apples and Drinking Don’t Mix

This weekend the hubby BBQ’d up a big brisket, and we had my sisters and her hubby over for a night of fun. As can be expected, we ate, we drank and were merry. However, some of us had too much to drink. J (Hint: not me)

We also played a game called Apples to Apples. For those of you that don’t know how to play this game, here’s what you do essentially:  You each draw seven red cards and then each person takes turns selecting a green card. The people without the green cards select a red card from their hand, which best describes the green card that was played. If the green card person likes your card, you win. Here is the interesting part: some people choose the strangest card , some choose the most likely card, some choose the dirtiest card, well you get my drift. Anyways, it is a pretty fun game, especially the more you drink!  And when playing with family, it can get pretty rowdy.

An Example from our night of fun:

The card being played is horny. We all submit cards the person with the green card is Sar.  I assume I am going to win with my card…”going to Grandma’s” because she usually picks the oddest one in the bunch. (Please don’t ask me why! At the time I didn’t have good cards in my hand). I just wanted to win.

She chooses raspberry. Her hubby wins!

Me: WHAT?! How can a raspberry win?

Her: Fruit can be a turn on! (this was said verbatim)

Her Hubby:  (TURNING BRIGHT RED COLORS.)

Me: I don’t want to know this!

Rae: I think I am going to puke! (Runs to Bathroom)

Me: HA HA me too.               

Sar: I think she is really puking!

Me: Oh, I thought she just broke the seal.

Rae: (Back) What is rubbing my foot?

My Hubby: Oops! I was playing footsies with you; I thought that was the dog!

Moral of Story:  Apples to Apples and Drinking don’t mix well…and for the BBQ….that part doesn’t come up so well, right Rae? J

 

 

 

Conflict Resolution 101

Last week my workplace offered a conflict resolution session which I attended. (Well actually, three of my co-workers insisted the class was strictly for me, so I had better take advantage of it!) These westerners aren’t used to my sarcastic humor, I guess.

 I learned that one should never be afraid of a little conflict because it can only make you stronger…..or teach you how to become better at picking fights with people in creative and sometimes sarcastic manners. Which I suppose could only lead to bad things, unless you are trying to see what type of personality the aggressor is to test if their reactions are based on what you’ve learned in class: about personality styles and the way the different styles deal with conflict head on. But, I ramble….

The moral of the story is: Conflict can be good and bad, until you get in a physical, hair pulling fight to resolve it. Then you had better start looking for another job. Take your pick.

Irrational Fears and the Ice Cream Man

So there is an ice cream truck that drives through our neighborhood on a daily basis. I don’t know why I cringe in fear every time I hear his creepy music go past our house; he basically frightens me.  I think my fear stems from a movie I saw when I was a kid. I don’t know much more, my recollections are the ice cream man would drive through the neighborhoods and get kids to follow him with his tasty treats. He would then open the back of his truck shove them in and they would fall through an icy tunnel into another land. I supposed kind of like Narnia—-but not as pretty. And would never be seen from or heard of again.

Even the ice cream van is scary! It is an old, beat up white van…no posters, no decorations with kiddie music (but more like a bad record player) playing in high pitches, so that it makes Patches go crazy every time he goes past (see even she knows he is evil).

Now hubby LOVES the ice cream man, whenever he hears the music he starts getting all excited and I have to hold him back and remind him of my irrational fear. But, usually to no avail. Someday he will believe me, but then again it might be too late. Someday when he doesn’t come back, I will know the ice cream man got him!

Meet the Neighbors

Since moving to our new neighborhood, we have met a few of our neighbors. All seem relatively nice and cordial. The neighbors we haven’t met, as of yet, are the ones that live directly behind us. However, we did meet them at about 2am one night, as some of them (highschool age) proceeded to try and jump into our backyard after the cops were called. We solved this problem real fast by letting Patches out, as we told her “Bite their heines!” (I don’t really know if she understood, but she certainly ran around like a psycho barking…..which hopefully startled them enough.) So, in the meantime, we figured they were just kids having parties, while their parents are out of town, no harm in that, right? Well, little did we know that the very next weekend there was another party and another round of cops and some proclamations of “west side, south side.” This time we were armed with all the numbers we needed…HOA, police, etc.

This was all about a month ago, since then it has been relatively peaceful and quiet at 2am on Saturday, which is great. Now the biggest irony is that this “gang house” (which is what I call it) is riddled (no pun intended) with Halloween décor. I mean the decorations are everywhere! Pumpkins, witches, spiders, cobwebs in the window, lights, you name it they have it. I am contemplating dressing up as a gangster and trick or treating, just to see what it is they will pass out!

Perhaps, little toy guns?

 

Conversations with a past graduate student….

Phone rings in my office around 8am, Thursday morning.

Hubby: I need a beer!

Me: It is morning; it is too early to need a beer.

Hubby: Well, it is 5’oclock somewhere, so it is ok!

Me (thinking in my head): What a bad influence Grad School was…..

 Do they make tee shirts? I could design one to say: Three years of Yale graduate school and all I got was this beer guzzling husband! Where are the FAT paychecks and vacations? Please tell me!

The Alarm Clock from Hell: Round 2

It is dark, very dark. Not time to be awake yet, and what do I hear? MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW!

And then, as if the first serenade wasn’t enough……pawing at the blinds, not quietly, but basically playing dominos with them….and right over my head! I am going to kill her; no one can stop me this time! All rationalization has flown the coop. Don’t move! I think to myself….as long as I show no signs of life….she will move on and go terrorize someone else. Don’t move!

I know that dratted alarm clock hasn’t gone off yet….her only saving grace is that it is Friday, otherwise I would feed her to the dog. Really, I am not a violent person….

Me: 0 points

Americus: 10 points

Got Mail?

So, a last night the hubby and I are reading in bed. He is reading Maxim magazine and interrupts me to tell me…

Hubby(shocked, disbelief): Listen to this! People are paying 40 dollars to this “left behind “ website so that they can leave people email messages after the rapture has taken place!

Me: Are you kidding me? That can’t be real! Who would pay $40 bucks to do that? It is probably just a joke.

So, the next day, I go online, and lo and behold….the site exists! (I really need to come up with my great idea, so I can strike it rich and retire, but that has yet to happen.) Quite a thorough site, colorful with great word choices and very to the point, what is the catch you ask? Well, money of course. You can’t leave a message for free! A mere $40 bucks annually will get your message to your loved ones.  You don’t believe me, check this out: www.youvebeenleftbehind.com  (nice name, right?)

My question still remains:  are all the people that are going to be left behind going to remember to check their email? I highly doubt the first thing that will come to mind is: Gosh, I have to check my email (despite the fact all my friends are missing), I know that Joe (from down the street) left me a message, knowing that I would be left behind! I can see it now I bet it says….if you are reading this, you are S.O.L! Better luck next time…….

Fall in the Desert

The other day I was at Starbucks and was mesmerized by all the pictures and drawings of pumpkins and spices on the menu. That is when I knew…..it must be Fall in Arizona! In Connecticut, it was very apparent when Fall hit. The smells in the air of fireplaces, the brisk cold air, the leaves would start changing color and then fall to the ground (mind you I never raked those fallen leaves—that’s the thing the hubby misses most, while I just watched), and my most favorite part Harvest Festivals and Apple picking. I loved doing those things! Can you tell how much I am going to miss Fall?

In the desert, I think people know it is fall by going to Target and seeing all the “Fall”ish items everywhere. Pumpkins start appearing on people’s doorsteps, and of course the Starbucks brings out its Pumpkin Spice Latte. The weather has been getting cooler also. We can finally turn off the air and bring in some of that cool brisk air into the house (along with some dirt blown in from the backyard, and sometimes fresh wafting smells of the nearby cows—but hey what can you do?). In the meantime, I will continue to buy those plugins that smell like pumpkin spice so that I can get my “Fall smell” quota met. That way I will be able to lie down and take naps by the plugin while dreams of fireplaces, picking apples and changing leaves dance through my head.

It might be time for a vacation when you rely on a plugin that much, right?

Weekends should never end…

Commuting

I hate driving because people are crazy! I have already established I am NOT a morning person, but to have to commute in, on top of having to get up when it is still dark outside….. well, you would have a better chance of seeing pigs fly then trying to have a logical conversation with me. Not only are people in such a hurry to get to work, but they are also in the mood to just be plain rude (yea, you in the white car: do you feel better now that you cut me off to be one car ahead?)! I mean, really people, what is the hurry to get to work. I know that people (clearly) cannot be THAT excited to be going to work. Alright, what do I know?!

Anyways, on top of a horrible commute in and getting EVERY, SINGLE RED light, I am now ready to start my Monday morning….is it time to go home yet?

Blast from the Past

So, this past week we finally got the first season of Knight Rider in the mail from Blockbuster (it has been on long wait status for like forever).  AND I cannot get enough of it!

I can remember how much I LOVED that show as a kid (Michael Knight and Kitt). I thought they were real, I thought he was an amazing crime fighter and I wanted to BE Knight Rider. So, when he came to our town to film at The London Bridge, you can imagine my excitement. The movie was called The Bridge Across Time, see here: http://www.stomptokyo.com/otf/Bridge/Bridge.htm

 Never heard of it? Yea, I have no idea…..something about Jack the Ripper being transported through the bricks of The London Bridge. All I can remember is that I was 7 years old and couldn’t have been more excited to hear who was in town. My excitement was uncontrollable. I just knew, if I could meet him, then I could invite him to dinner and learn how to become a Knight Rider and have a car like Kitt. Maybe I could be the Knight Rider’s long, lost daughter! The possibilities were endless!

Well, it all happened….I met him, got his autograph, invited him to dinner and everything. I can even remember the card that he handed out (a picture of himself in the black jacket– yea, I have no idea where that picture ended up, probably in the trash somewhere) to which he autographed something on the back. He made some excuse about not being able to come to dinner and my hopes and dreams were shattered. I could never look at him the same afterwards. He broke my seven year old heart. I remember telling friends how I met him and invited him to dinner, but my version was something like he had to get back to Kitt, otherwise he would have stayed….but, you know, duty calls! After that, I never loved Knight Rider with as much fervor again, but I still watched the show because maybe, just maybe he really did have to go fight crime and rescue damsels in distress.

Now, all those feelings are coming back and I know if I could just invite him to dinner again, this time……maybe he would come? Maybe?

The Rules

Hubby and I are lying in bed reading. All of the sudden we hear the noise. The gagging, vomiting of Boston (cat) who previously just finished scarfing down his dry food. (I think he might be bulimic.) We stare at each other in disgust for a moment until I remember the GOLDEN RULE!

Me (proclaiming vehemently):  NOT  IT!

Hubby: What?! Why do I have to do it? I made lunches*!

Me: You know the rules! Whoever cries “not it” first doesn’t have to do it.

Me, Patches and Boston all stare while he (gaggingly) cleans it up.

Hubby: Enjoy the show?

And this, my friends, is why we should not ever have children! Because maturity was never one of my strong suits! J But, clearly, calling NOT IT is in the marriage rulebook—section, how to get out of gross things, right?

 

*Note: Lunches is a most hated task in our household, which whomever has the task can hold over the other in anticipation of getting out of any other hated task, however calling “NOT IT” trumps all—kinda like having a WILD card when playing UNO!

The Dividing Line

Note to Readers: My sister only likes to read the blog when it is about her, so just remember, she asked for this.

For as long as I can remember I had to share a room growing up. It was the worst TORTURE you could possibly imagine. Not only did I NEVER have any privacy, but my annoying little sister would follow me everywhere. I now realize she wanted to BE ME (cause I was SUPER cool…and still am), but at that time, I so did not want to be seen with her. She cramped my style. So, sometimes, I had to get a little creative to get her in trouble.

We always used to pretend there was a line in the middle of the room, come on who didn’t? It was the dividing line. This line was critical to our existence together. It divided my stuff and hers and was never to be crossed by the other person without permissions or instant death (or beatings) could occur. As I recall, I made sure my side had the bathroom and the doors, so she would constantly have to ask for permissions for entry and exits (to which I could ignore if I so chose). I was very careful to make sure I always got the better deal. Whenever we would have room inspections, I would get all the praise. I was sooooooo clean; my side was always picked up. It was me who could go off to my friends house, while Sar stayed home and picked up her messy side of the room! It became FACT:  I was the clean one, and she was Sarah the SLOB (no worries, names HAVE NOT been changed to protect identities).

But in reality, it was me who would shove stuff everywhere on her side. I would throw my toys on her side, I would throw my trash on her side….you name it, I shoved it. She never really caught on for the longest time…..I think she thought her messes just multiplied, when in fact, I was the culprit. It was awesome really. Not only did I have the better side, but I could get away with tossing stuff on her side of the room and plague her with the torture of cleaning her side—while I went off and played.  

Life was good.

That is, until we moved into the new house and all got our own rooms…..soon the truth was out….Sarah the SLOB disappeared and Junky Jessi came out to play….ahhh the joys of sisterhood! J

The Chronic Deleter

Ok, so I have another confession to make. I am ADDICTED to deleting. I can’t explain it, but I can admit to it. We have a DVR and I am OBSESSED with deleting. If the hubby isn’t home and hasn’t watched his recorded shows in a “timely” manner (yea, what I consider to be timely is usually a few hours…look I am confessing here….don’t judge) then I HAVE to delete them. I usually try not to tell him, but he usually notices. I really can’t help it, it is an addiction. I can’t explain the pleasure that runs through me as I am deleting something….be it in the DVR, my emails, my phone, you name it…if you can delete it I will. I think I might need to go to therapy for this……I even (sometimes) dream about deleting…I don’t know why. It makes me happy. Even my sister cannot get over my habit. The other day she told me I could delete her Dexter show cause she watched it at a friend’s house…then she changed her mind because she thought I would get “delete happy” and delete the wrong thing. Oh, she knows me too well. I would claim denial of course, but I am a bad liar and she knows it. Oh crap, do they have a deleter’s anonymous? I might need to attend and soon….before I delete this post.

You know you need to be committed when…..

THANK GOD this week is over. I have been surrounded by crazy people all day and I cannot get away. I think I am becoming crazy, there is no hope. Crazy pets, crazy drivers, you name it I have seen it.

On my way home from work today, I am driving in bumper to bumper traffic, I am not kidding you. The guy behind me and I merge over, pretty much at the same time. He sticks his middle finger up at me (like I somehow read his mind and merged at the very same second, HELLO, there is a big fat semi in front of me…..DUH) So, what do I do? I stick my middle finger right back up at him. Yea, I am from Brooklyn, YO. So, then he sticks it back at me. Ok, fun…so I do it back. He motions for me to move over…I shake my head no at him while cointinuing the middle finger war game. He then– full speed ahead merges ON THE LEFT (mind you in an oncoming traffic lane) and proceeds to force me to slow down, or be mauled by his stupid yellow Nissan Pathfinder.

I now officially HATE Phoenix. Why are the crazies following me from state to state, and why oh WHY can’t I get away…..I think I need help. Or pills whatever. Luckily, Rae is readily prepared with the booze when I get home…maybe it won’t be a bad weekend after all……

Dinner Indigestion

So during dinner conversations with the sisters and hubbies, I stated how I noticed I have to eat really slowly or I get this burn in my chest.

Me: I can’t eat. I think I am dying. When I eat, my chest hurts.

Sar’s Hubby: You probably have Gerd. It happens when you are stressed out.

Me: What was the source of your stress?

Rae and My Hubby (answering simultaneously):  Sar!

Rough Times…

I got a horrible news this past weekend that my Nanny (Grandma) was injured in a serious accident this past weekend. I have been an emotional train wreck. She and I were really close and I feel very thankful for the time I got to spend with her. The last few years, while living in CT, we have gotten to see her and spend ample time talking about all kinds of things and for this I am very thankful. Her death was unexpected, but luckily she held on til our family flew in Monday night. She was an awesome lady. Full of spunk, personality, wit, charm and most of all love for all. I treasured every moment I had with her and I know she is at peace. I have so many great memories and stories with her…she was the matriarch of a great family and we won’t forget her.

I love you Nanny. Rest in Peace, and we know you are with Pop now.

Memories

 

Sad

Left Behind

Yet Memories

Fill my Head

 

Your strong, silent stares

Was what we all needed

The look

And the point

We would always behave

 

Seems like just yesterday

We were celebrating your birthday

And many more to come

Stories and drinks flew around the country club air

 

We had our special time together

We had fun everywhere—

Garage Sales

The Beach

Elmira and more

 

Now you are gone

Yet your memory lives strong

You are in me, Sar and Rae

And will never be far

 

Reunited with Pop

Forever you will be

Until we see you again

Our memories remain

Cousin Buddies

So, this past week I have been able to hang with cousins….some I have never met, some I met a long time ago and some you wonder why you are related! J

Anyways, my cousin and Sar made up this game this week of “cousin buddies.” Meaning each cousin has a match with another cousin and that makes your cousin buddy match. The rule is you can only have one cousin buddy, you cannot be part of a triplet. You then must come up with a sign to state your cousin buddyhood. It can be a secret handshake or any other type of secret signal or sign. But, no one wants to be mine… If it weren’t being flaunted in my face by my sister and cousin then maybe I would be able to accept it…..do you want to be my cousin buddy?

Hard times

The answer to all life’s problems.

Conversations with a nine year old…

My cousin buddy and my hubby had some pretty interesting conversations while in New York. They go like this:

Hubby: You have been wearing that same sweater for two days now!

Cousin: Pink is in! Plus I look beautiful!

Hubby: Pink is not in after Labor Day, didn’t you know?

Cousin: Oh yea? You wear Pink everyday!

Hubby (unfazed): Oh yea? Where?

Cousin: The bags under your eyes are always pink!

Hubby: ouch

Flying Fun…

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to fly…or used to that is. The airlines used to be so fun—movies, drinks, friendly people—what more could you ask for? Now flying is not what it used to be. I mean, I just flew this past May, but each time I do there are more and more changes. On the way to Elmira, we flew US Airways. There was a movie on the way (woo hoo I thought) but due to the circumstance of our trip, I fell asleep and did not watch it. I warned the parents to grab drinks because I knew everything costs now even if you just want water! I mean, heck, how much do I love hubby? I bought him a $4 dollar coke in the airport! (I know, I am an amazing wife). And of course you have to pay to get your luggage there as well, and if you are over 50 pounds, that will be another $50 bucks, please.

On the way there, we did not have seats together and the flight was jam-packed! Meanwhile hubby places his jacket in the overhead compartment. While a lady starts screeching at him: “You are not ALLOWED to put jackets there! It is tight enough!” She then makes some snide comment to me, before she realizes she is in the wrong seat and has to move back to sit next to him…”guess you are stuck with me” she mumbles! I smile politely and whisper to hubby “Welcome back to the East Coast, baby!” Here come the attitudes! So, here I am squished between two large people trying to get my head comfortable so that I can fall asleep on my pull out tray. When I glance over at hubby and see that he is even more squished by a guy that clearly cannot get the armrest down….FUN times!

On the way back to AZ from Elmira, we discover our suitcase just made the $15 dollar bag fee with a weight of 49.5 pounds…that was a close one! Then we get on the plane and I realize I am starving……but low and behold I have no cash to get a $5 snack pack and a $2 dollar drink. Then we hear the magical message over the speaker: “Hello Ladies and Gentleman, for your dining pleasure we will be testing out our new point of sale instrument for you to be able to purchase food or drink!” Woo hoo, I now have the pleasure of spending $14 dollars in crappy plane food! What more could I ask for?

Meanwhile, we have been waiting and waiting for the plane to start the in-flight movies (I mean this is a 5 hour flight). Finally the stewardess comes by and hubby asks “Excuse me maam, do you know if they will show a movie?” To which she replies: “Oh, sorry, yesterday they pulled out all the video/audio equipment because it was too costly!”

And that, my friends, is the joy of flying.

P.S. Don’t even get me started on going through the security checkpoint with family and tons of salvaged goods….that is a whole other blog.

Kids say the funniest things…

Note: Below is an actual conversation between my cousins (brother and sister-ages 9 and 11). I do not make this stuff up!

Cousin Sister: My brother’s voice is changing.

Cousin Brother: So what! I am just going through puberty.

Cousin Sister (to me in a VERY loud voice): Do you know what puberty means?

Me: No, what does it mean?

Cousin Sister: You grow hair in all the wrong places!

After Dinner Entertainment: Priceless

(Note to Readers: Click on link for sound cue—continue reading, but play the song in the background in a separate window for full effect, as it will help you understand the experience.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XPnDohuXto&feature=related).

There is nothing better than relaxing on the couch after a nice dinner (thanks Sar) and conversation. And who needs TV when you have dogs for entertainment?

This is Humpty. (I think you can guess why she is called HUMP-ty).

 

Humpty is a toy that Sydney (Patches cousin and lover) received from her Grandma Nancy. Little did Grandma know how significant Humpty would become…..Humpty is not just a toy to Syd, but Humpty brings Sydney joy she never thought possible.

Thanks, Grandma. If only the pictures could do poor Humpty justice.

Dinner for 5: $20.00

Milk: $3.99

After dinner entertainment: Priceless

 

Enough said.

Elmira, NY

Well, yesterday was the one week mark of Nanny being laid to rest with Pop. I find myself going through hills and valleys. Sometimes I am sad and other times I flashback on all the good times and I know she would want me to remember the good times. SO, keeping that in mind, I will share a few pictures with you of our times in Elmira. It is an amazing little town and I hope to get back there for visits someday.

This is Elmira: Fall 2008 The Chemung River (or as I affectionately called it–the crick)

And this is a tree in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn (took our breath away)

These are some of the Cousin buddies….we love each other can you tell?

The infamous (for sayings) cousin brother and sister (little one is also known as my mini me)

Me and Hubby in Elmira at Christmastime

The best place to eat in Elmira, note the name, they make the best pizza and subs—hence the name!

And (one of my favorites) when Nanny took my aunts, me and the hubby upstate to see the sites and have a lunch at one of her favorite places.

Last, I will end it with my favorite painting of Nanny and Pop that always makes me smile!

The Unlikely Pet

I know my sisters are weird, but this takes the cake. Sorry, Sar, the blog isn’t about you today. I know, I know, watch my ratings drop….

So, Rae has been missing her cat a lot—who is at home in Havasu. She has adopted a new pet. Her name is Charlotte. I will let you guess what she is: She weaves webs. Yes, she is a spider. But, not just any spider, she is a black widow spider we found in the garage. I think Rae goes out to the garage to talk with her and I think Charlotte gives her advice. She says she can relate to her.

I guess Rae is waiting for her boyfriend to become her husband because then she can eat him. Sorry, Ren…I guess that is how she relates.

Maybe every girl should have a pet widow? I am sure the advice is to die for!

End of my Rope…

I have heard that bad things happen in three’s…..so I think I should be about done now. Yesterday my car was broken….and it just about put me over the edge. I feel like I can’t win lately and no matter how hard I try to have a positive outlook, something always happens to alter it. What is going on lately? I just can’t seem to get ahead at all.

I am hoping that the string of bad luck will end soon or else I think I will let Rae’s new pet, Charlotte eat me. Here’s hoping. Here is too the end of my bad luck……or a tasty lunch for Charlotte!

Alms for the poor…

So,  over the weekend we got a letter asking us to donate to Yale University (mind you, hubby has approximately been out of grad school…maybe 6 months now—but who is counting?). It made me laugh out loud when I saw it! I mean, mind you I would LOVE to have gobs of money to donate to different things, but since we have yet to embark on the road of the rich and famous…this letter came as a surprise. I mean we sweated, starved, and ate a lot of PB&J and what did they say to us: live cheaper and you shouldn’t have pets….i.e. never mind the fact that CT is one of the MOST expensive places to live.

Right, please let me donate to you, Yale, meanwhile we only have $2.01 in our joint account after paying all the bills this month. So, what did I do? I showed the letter to hubby. He laughed out loud too! He suggested we send it back and write in Sharpie…”I will donate to you…..if you pay my tuition bill.” I am thinking of trying that….but I don’t think it will do any good….perhaps we should show them a picture of the money and a picture of the tuition bill, kinda like you pay this, then you get this….

Oh well, just the same it did give us both a good laugh and at least they gave us about 6 months before they started asking/begging….I guess that is enough time to get re-established in the real world…..right? I mean sure maybe in a perfect, rich world….maybe I will just send Charlotte up there to bite them…..

The Joys of Parking and Transit People at a University

Oh, the joys of going to the Parking and Transit Office. How are those people so dumb? Is it part of the qualifications to act like you cannot comprehend people and to be mean? I have visited this office now 2 times in basically one week, not because I ENJOY it (I know surprising right…cause who doesn’t enjoy a good ol Parking and Transit office), but because the parking pass that I am paying millions of hard earned dollars on refuses to work….EVER. And I am tired of paying for something that doesn’t work!

So, I march myself over to the office after nearly ramming down the gate to get in! I get there and see the same lady as last week. I tell her my pass doesn’t work STILL (I emphasize). She looks at me like I am a complete moron (chomps on her gum) and says “Are you sure you are using it correctly? Did you try this…did you do it this way?” To which I declare….”I have tried it every which way! I have gotten out of my car…I have backed up….I have screamed at the card and then the gate…nothing does it, can I just have one that works!”

She looks at me like I am lying and says…well you just got a new one last week! And I reply I know! I was hoping it would work this time! She then says she might have to have someone walk me back to the gate to see if I am using it properly….to which I say “That would be great! Then I can SHOW you how it doesn’t work.” But instead she fills out the paperwork, rolls her eyes, chomps on some gum and then begrudgingly hands me over a new pass, only this time she includes a small sheet of directions on how to use the parking pass—so I can troubleshoot she says. ARE YOU KIDDING ME LADY? I hope she gets a nice piece of coal in her stocking for Christmas!

AAAAah you gotta love working for a university!

O, Christmas Tree…O, Christmas Tree….

First off, you should know that Christmas is my most favorite time of the year! Not only was it the birth of yours truly, but it was also my time to pick out the biggest, most beautiful Christmas tree ever….ok, well I grew up being able to pick out my own tree. The birthday tree! (BTW—for the longest time I really did believe that everyone got to pick out a tree on their birthday.) Later on, I realized this not to be so. A little disappointing really….kinda like finding out there is no Santa. So, I LOVE picking out Christmas Trees!

Last year we had the MOST.FUN.EVER cutting down our very own Christmas tree! We brewed up some amazing makers mark cider, layered on lots of clothes, and headed out with friends to chop down our very own tree. It was so much fun. We picked the PHATest tree ever…it was awesome! I loved it.

Now that we live in AZ—I was hoping we would be able to do this again. You know, head up North, find the perfect tree…etc. Well, first I was laughed at and then I was told you have to have a permit in AZ. Not to have my dreams dissolve rapidly by Scrooge, I went online to verify….tis true, and you had to have a permit filed way back in May or so.

Hence, my dreams of sugar plum fairies dancing, Maker Mark Cider and Dr. Seuss Trees were catapulted out of my head and in came: Charlie Brown Christmas Tree…..is this what it has come to? Say it ain’t so….

 

Money Tree

Does anyone know where I can locate one of these? I am in desperate need of one!

Skinny Jeans

I cleaned the house on Sunday…along with some help.

Me to Hubby: Can you bring me a bag to put all these give away clothes together?

Hubby bringing bag: Don’t throw those jeans in there!

Me: Why they were in the pile?

Hubby: Because those are my skinny jeans…..I am going to get back in them!

Me: Do boys have skinny jeans? I am going to do a blog about this….

Hubby: You cannot blog about this UNLESS you say how I am exercising!

Me: 3 pushups a night does not count as “exercising”

Hubby: YES IT DOES.

Mind you we then watched Supersize me this afternoon. I am never eating again….so maybe someday I can get in my skinny jeans too! See Hubby, I barely made fun of your skinny jeans…Love ya!

Woman Cave!

Lately hubby has been talking about how much he wants his own “man cave” when we buy our first house (which hopefully will be happening in the next year). I told him he is more than welcome to have his own man cave…with whatever he wants in there on one condition….

Hubby: I want a man cave……I want it to have big TVs with recliners and toys.

Me (unfazed): That is fine, as soon as you buy me a house, you can have your man cave. But, I want a woman cave!

Hubby: What is in a “woman cave?”

Me: Remember how we went to go see James Bond this past weekend? Well, M had a perfect woman cave. Mine will be like that! It will have a large Jacuzzi Bathtub with a large TV on the wall with lotions and potions and a maid! And you can come in and serve me chocolate Strawberries…on a tray!

Did you hear that, Santa? Put that on your list! 

The Bad Influence

Since moving to AZ, Patches Phoenix (the dog) has found her lover (her cousin Sydney). Well, we think they like each other a lot since they are constantly licking inside each other’s mouths. Not that we mind…..but sometimes you shouldn’t be that forthright—in front of the parents. Now Sydney is a lab (you can read all about her in her blog called: After Dinner Entertainment: Priceless).

If you’ve ever read Marley and Me, that is Sydney. She is a lab, but definitely has some issues. You cannot leave out flip flops, sometimes she mistakes carpets for bathrooms, and she also is TOY CRAZY. She enjoys taking out all her toys and leaving them EVERYWHERE. And I mean after she has come over….I will find toys hidden in the weirdest spots DAYS later. So, what I am getting at is that Patches is impressionable. She has always been pretty clean and low key…her downfall is whining….and I mean CONSTANT whining…if you are not touching her constantly then she is whining. But for the most part she has always been well-behaved, non-messy, and cute. Until now…..

Sydney has taught Patches the art of TOY Chaos. Now I sometimes come home to toys strewn about the living room, as terror grips my heart…. WHAT? I hate picking up toys! She has also taught Patches how to tear the toys up….first take off their eyes, then slit their throats, then pull out all the stuffing and toss it about the house? What is this world coming too?

What is happening to my good dog (ok my semi-good dog)? She used to be so good, she used to clean up her toys…..what a bad influence cousins are!

No Betty Crocker…

So, one of my major requirements when looking for a husband was: he be able to cook, and second he be rich…..well obviously the later didn’t happen, but requirement 1 was met! It isn’t that I can’t cook, but when I do….weird things happen. I just don’t think it is meant to be. Sometimes, hubby has a brain fart lapse in memory and we have these types of discussions:

Hubby: What’s for dinner?

Me: What?! I MARRIED you because you cook, remember?

Hubby: Oh, I thought you married me because you loved me.

Me: Clearly, you are delusional.

The Rules Continued

We all were sitting around talking when I smelled it….sniff, sniff….the foul smell of dirty cat litter came wafting through my nose. YUCK. I can’t explain it, but there is something about this smell that just makes me want to gag. And I have smelled a lot of foul smells (namely the ones that come out of the bathroom after Hubby has been in there—but that is another blog), but nothing compares to dirty cat litter. We have two cats and a really cool Kitty Hut, which Hubby built for the cats with a ledge for them to step on ( see pic below).  So, usually the smells are enclosed. But the other night….whooo the smell was bad.

Me (screaming excitedly): NOT IT! NOT IT! NOT IT!

Hubby: What are you even talking about? You are crazy!

Me: The cat litter, I don’t want to clean it…you have too! I said NOT it…you know, it is in the rules! Remember, last one to call it has to clean up? (I shouldn’t have to remind him…he knows THE RULES).

Hubby (rolling his eyes): That doesn’t count! It only counts on cat vomit. (See Previous Post: http://goodbadandugly2.wordpress.com/2008/10/22/the-rules/)

Me: No it does not! It counts on everything.

Obviously, Hubby and I need to go back to the marriage contract, where I can SHOW him…he will need to re-read the fine print and the NOT IT RULE. There are no surprises, he knows the rules, I mean geez we have been married for a long time now…he was just jealous that he didn’t remember to proclaim them first! Rules are rules—and I am sticking to them. NOT IT, Hubby! NOT IT, NOT IT, NOT IT!

Isn’t he lucky to have me? I think so!

Below is Kitty Hut…in all it’s glory….

Fun at work…

The Kewl Texter

Recently I spent some time with the entire family and I taught my Uncle how to text. I don’t know what is with these OP’s (old people—but being a nice niece…I fell for it) they think they want to be so cool and learn technology, so I fell into the trap. Here is what happened:

Uncle (exclaiming): I just learned to text; text me anything! I am so cool!

Me (texting): K

Uncle (texting): What does that mean?

Me (texting back…even though I was in close proximity): short 4 ok

Uncle (texting): k!

Uncle (more texting): Hi. BTW how r u?

Me (texting faster than him): wow, impressive….ttyl

Uncle (yet again…texting): what does that mean? K!

Me (not texting): sigh

Uncle (texting): What does that mean?

Uncle (another text): k!

Now, I get these random texts all the time, can you guess what they say?

Uncle (random text at 6am): k!

After talking with my cousin (his son) he told me: NEVER, NEVER teach him any technology…..or you will regret it! HA HA! (That is why his own sons don’t teach him….isn’t that right, Matt?)

I am starting to understand this now. That is what I get for being so willing to share technology!

When a Man Loves a Woman…

This is an actual texting conversation between me and Hubby today:

Me: Dinner?

Hubby: yes please!

Me: NOT IT

And, my friend WTF (check out his blog called WTF–from my blogroll) accuses me of NOT IT gluttony….. Perhaps he is right! But, then again he is a blogaholic! So that is like calling the kettle black, right?

The Evil pets….

The pets are evil. I don’t know what their deal is….but the one time we can sleep in is on the weekends they REFUSE to let us. I think they are a tagteam. I can actually hear their conversations:

Americus (the LOUDEST, MEOWING cat you will ever meet): Ok, everyone here is the plan. I will go into the room and start meowing at 4 AM. Just to get it started. If either of you see any movement…and I MEAN ANY then pounce, whine, do whatever you have to do to get them up.

Boston (the stand on you so you can’t breathe cat and licker of eyelids): Ok, but if that doesn’t work then I will chase you around the house, Americus and pounce on you until you scream…thus causing Patches to bark and go crazy and wake the whole house up!

Patches (the dog and eternal whiner): Sounds good, but if either of those don’t work I will just whine and whine and whine you know Mommy can’t stand that! Or maybe I will poke her with my long nose.

Time: Early in the morning…still dark outside. Probably 4am.

Mission: Accomplished

Me: Awake now ……..guess where all the pets are…..oh yea, they are all asleep right here beside me as I type! EVIL Tagteam!

The Coupon Nazi

This weekend we did our major Thanksgiving grocery shopping and let me tell you….it was not fun. However, we did do our homework and research because Frys Grocery Store is accepting competitors coupons, so we had to maximize our grocery shopping! We researched and cut millions of coupons…and saved a lot of money in the meantime. Upon check out time….we had the worst time. The coupon nazi (he was young) basically wanted to re-see every item (mind you the bagger had already bagged all our items….) so he was driving us crazy. As we apologized to people in line, they were even on our side (one lady exclaimed) hey they did their homework, give them their deals!

This kid was crazy……I finallly was like you know what I am not going to unbag all of our items to prove to you I got the matching item. After much consternation, I think he finally gave in towards the end, but he was crazy dude–and slow…he was like did you get this, and this?. Personally, I didn’t see the point in fighting over a dollar off deoderant, right? I mean come on…..anyways….that was our Sunday….at least the chaos of grocery shopping is done and we are on our way to a full kitchen. Why is it that grocery shopping around the time of the holidays is so painful? And why are there coupon nazi’s? I mean if you advertise it…and we do our homework and take the time to carefully shop down each and every aisle to mazimize the purchase—then don’t hassle me OR come along and be my personal shopper!

T-Day Freak Outs…

This weekend I sorta, kinda, without-telling him volunteered Hubby to smoke a Thanksgiving bird, along with cooking the traditional bird too. Now I know what you are thinking….WHAT?!

 And I think Hubby felt the same way, but you see the thing is… is that he LOVES to cook for people…the more the merrier and I love that he loves to cook for me and everyone else. (Plus I am a bit biased and think his cooking is phenomenal!)

So, I totally thought he would be up for the challenge and I think he still is after he got over the initial shock factor…. J
It isn’t that he doesn’t want to smoke a bird, he just gets nervous because it is one of those things he hasn’t smoked just yet (and he likes things to come out perfect) and he has to prep the other one and do his famous sides…now I am not much of a cook, but I can help with the side preparations (hopefully)…he does get a little territorial in the kitchen.  We are having my sisters, potentially one of our parents, and my sister’s in-laws come to our house. So we pretty much will have a full house….9-10 people.

I think it should be pretty fun, however yesterday the reality of cleaning and cooking set in. So not only was hubby starting to freak out….but then I started my cleaning freak out (trust me it isn’t pretty). I don’t know why I get this way…..but I am an obsessive cleaner…I can’t help it (it might be a disease). So between my cleaning freak outs and Hubby’s food freak outs…Wednesday night and Thursday morning should be an exciting time at our house!  (Usually one of is calm, therefore, slapping the other back to reality , yup sometimes a good slap does a Hubby good—don’t quite know how it will work out if we BOTH are freaking out…..well one of us might end up on the TV show Snapped). If you see a lapse in blog postings readers, you will know that either:

 1. I am dead or

2.  I am in jail for killing Hubby or

3.  I set the house on fire trying to help and my computer burned with it.

 

I am hoping my Thursday morning rum-filled crepes will calm Hubby’s nerves…if not I will be forcing him to drink all day….which won’t be too hard.

Maker’s and coke here we come!

The Party House

I don’t know what it is about the area we live in, but we are either battling gunshots from the gang house behind us (although they have been quiet lately) or trying to sleep through all the racket at the party house. The party house is a house directly to the side of our house with a big garage. Every night the party house has a party within their garage…not even in their house, but in their garage. Come on, people? Who does this? It hasn’t really bothered me too much. That is until I noticed that every night this week (so far) they have had their garage up and their lights going along with a huge TV in the garage and then the reverb of the music singing me sweet lullabies as I try to sleep and count sheep to the beats of the noise.  I mean if you have a 3000 square foot house, wouldn’t you use it….rather than the garage?

At first I thought this might be the man-cave, but there are lots of parked cars out there (and not just guys) hanging out in the garage….maybe hanging out in the garage is what people do out here in Arizona….if you ask me it is weird.

 Call me crazy, but if I had a large, 2 story house, I would be inside the house! Weird if you ask me….. or am I just becoming irritable in my old age (don’t answer that)….but, hey! I told you how important sleep is to me….you don’t want to go there!

Have I mentioned I am not a people person….

Life as I know it, at work…

I think it might be a conspiracy against me, but the crazy people are still after me! Why can’t I escape them? What odor am I emitting (ok, don’t answer that)? I can’t seem to escape them. Yesterday, I was at work, talking with a co-worker. A lady comes into my area and asks to use one of the computers. Sure, no problem I say and I go straight back to work. Then the lady shouts (she seems to be flustered and I am literally 2 feet away—no need for shouting) this computer is broken! I can’t get it to turn on!

The look on my face must have said it all because I look at her (astonished). It helps if you press the large round button below the desktop to power it on.  To which she replies. Oh, I see, I am not used to desktop computers.

 Is this conversation really happening? Why are the Crazies following me everywhere I go?

How work makes me feel…

Chore Wars

I created the T-Day chore list and this was our conversation a few nights ago (luckily I haven’t killed Hubby yet…I still need him to make the turkeys):

Me: Do you want to sweep or mop?

Hubby: Neither

Me: That is NOT an option.

Hubby: Neither

Me: I am going to stab your eye out.

Hubby: So what. I hate your chore list.

Me: I hate you. (Well, not really…but it sounded good in the heat of chore wars)

And the chore war begins, may the best person win. To Be Continued….

Dinner Prayers

We all got together for a beautiful Thanksgiving Spread. Lots of food, lots of fun, and lots of unbuttoned top buttons. One successful and juicy smoked turkey and another oven roasted turkey….all and all successful. No killings, no burning the house down and Hubby still loves me…..I call that successful!

We all sat down to the yummy dinner. Alan (Sar’s hubby) offered thanks for a wonderful dinner. Only we all had to hold hands….I know…eww cooties.

Alan: Thanks for the wonderful food and a great time with the family.

Me (under my breath): ewww Rae! Your hands are gross! (She has hands that feel like reptile skin…I think she is half alligator)

Alan: Amen

Rae (practically shouting after Alan’s amen): You WHORE.

Hubby: How nice, shouting WHORE after the dinner prayer!

Gotta love the fam!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

We survived…

Hubby and I decided to go out for a quick look-see on Black Friday. Yea, we are crazy….but we survived. No major bruises, scrapes, or tramplings. However, I did talk with people and apparently some people had been in lines for stuff starting at 6pm on Wednesday! WHO DOES THAT? That means they MISSED Thanksgiving! (I cannot even comprehend this) There is one term for that…. CRAZY!

I, like everyone else, can drool over a good sale, but people these are just things….I can’t believe people get killed, fight, and trample for these items. I guess I will never understand it, but is it worth missing stuffing and turkey over? Heck, no! In my opinion that is just plain INSANITY! That is….unless you have a death wish….if so, I suppose it could be a way to make the headlines. (Again, CRAZY!)

How to survive the holidays and family…

Rae just bought one of these bottles…..it helps her survive the family drama. Not only did she just buy a bottle, but she bought the biggest bottle you can buy.

MMMMMM mind numbing.

Here is another recipe to get you through the family holiday time (yes, I am reccommending drinking with family time):

Kentucky Mulled Cider

1 Cup Maker’s Mark Whisky
4 Cup Apple Cider
1 Lemon – sliced thin
6 cloves
1/2 tsp. Allspice (ground)
2 small cinnamon sticks

Combine Maker’s Mark and cider. Add 1 thinly sliced lemon with rind, cloves, allspice and sticks of cinnamon. Heat to boiling and serve

courtesy: Maker’s Mark Kentucky Bourbon Whisky

Try it! Good stuff! Everything is better with a little booze in you!

The Takers…

More dinner conversations with family at dinner time over an open flame on a fire table (yea the fire was mesmerizing):

Mike (Alan’s weird brother): You guys are takers (referring to my sisters and me as I am stealing food from Hubby’s plate)

Hubby: All Mannix girls are takers!

Alan: laughing whore-like (Rae’s interpretation)

Sar: We are NOT! (glaring the death stare at Alan)

Me (matter of factly): Yea, I never denied it.

Hubby: Well, sometimes they are givers.

Mike (all knowing): OH I see!

I run inside to try and write part of this conversation on my hand so I can remember to blog about it (several Maker’s Mark ciders later)

Me (to Sar and Rae): Do either of you have a pen?

Both of them: What for?

Me: So I can write it on my hand for my blog.

Sar: Is it about me?!!!!!!

Me: OMG, everything does not revolve around you.

Sar: YES IT DOES!

Then we all (again several Maker’s Ciders later) decide to sit down for a game of Scene It.

Me: Ok, everyone we are going to play Scene it.

My mom: What? We are going to play Phoenix?

Me: No! Scene IT!

My Mom: What Semen?

And that is another episode of Fun times with all the Fam! Good times!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Yea, so it is nearing my favorite Holiday. Not just because it is Christmas, but because it is my birthday on Christmas too! What better of a present could Mom have asked for?   (Speechless, right? No snide comments from my sisters….OR Hubby!)

Not only is it great because it is my birthday, Christmas, and I get presents. But, generally the crazy people are more tame during this time of the year (well, I suppose as long as you are not shopping)! People are generally (supposed to be) nicer and in the giving mood, my sisters have to be nice to me (MY Birthday MONTH), and we get to decorate and pick out my birthday tree while listening to  Christmas music.

So, generally my whole outlook is pretty good.  Drinking, eating and presents (in that order) what more could one ask for? 

Oh yea, no shoveling snow this year….even better! WOO HOO! (Although I do find it weird that it is December and I am still wearing short sleeves sitting outside with hubby and not even the least bit cold).

And the fun begins….

My Sister: The Blog Stalker

So, my sister has taken up reading blogs. She doesn’t comment, she doesn’t talk to these bloggers, she just frequents the pages in stealth-like-stalker fashion. She then becomes immersed in the bloggers lives and likes to talk about them, as if she is their friend.  Watch out!

It cracks me up. I mean she is becoming a creepy  creepster! CREE.PY!She defends herself when I call her out on this stuff. But, I think secretly, she enjoys being a stalker….watch out fellow blogmates…..you might be next and you won’t even know it…she is sneaky!

But, I have a feeling she isn’t the only one out there…maybe she can join blog stalker’s anonymous!

My (Guilty) Little Secret

So, I have a confession and while I may lose some readers after this confession, I have to be honest. But, just remember…everyone has their flaws, faithful readers and promoters (WTF and Swimming In My Head… —check is in the mail), so before you can judge me I will come clean!

I am a Britney FANATIC. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE her music. I can’t help it. And I am SO SUPER excited about her new CD (HINT HINT HUBBY)! I have been a Britney fan for longer than I can remember….her music always made me want to dance and go clubbing! I would play her everywhere…in my room, in the car, at our wedding (don’t remind hubby…he didn’t want ANY part of that) at the Yale Christmas parties (it was the only way they could get me to dance in the cage…don’t ask) and everywhere! She was my favorite and she always could make me happy! But, after awhile Britney faded from the scene and thus I lost my inner “want to dance” desire. But, lo and behold SHE IS BACK! And Stronger (no pun intended) than ever! I am so excited for this new CD and as soon as I get it will listen to it over and over and over and over.

BTW, did I mention we have a 14 hour drive to San Antonio, TX in the plans for Christmas….guess Britney can help get us there! WOO HOO. Yea, for Britney’s comeback…I have missed her so!

Secretly, I think Hubby has too!

Britney is my Lucky Charm

I came home from work today…in a very good mood (ok, that is rare these days…I must admit). I mean what could get me down? I had played my new Britney CD all day, thus putting me in the best mood ever! Had Jersey Mikes! Even my commute was fine. The only thing I could think of wishing for was a day off from work…. and what do you know….the Britney good luck karma works…

Hubby: You got something special in the mail today!

Me: What is that?

Hubby (a little too excitedly): JURY DUTY!

Me: EWWWW, wait a minute! That means I get to miss work?! WOO HOO.

(My guess is most people would be saddened by this…but not me! I am SO EXCITED)

Hubby and Me: How to Keep the Fire Alive

The Night of the Great Litter Crisis

Being the good wife that I am (don’t gasp in shock), I meandered around the house gathering all the trash for trash night….which included the dreaded task of cleaning the litter box. Yea, hard to believe, but you guys should be proud of me; I didn’t even shout NOT IT! So there I am sifting then dumping all the disgusting pee balls and poop logs (yea, I feel as though you need a visual) when lo and behold, I go to grab the fresh litter container…and barely anything comes out. Not even enough to cover the bottom of the litter pan. For you non-cat owners it is like someone putting back a basically empty milk container into the fridge and you go to grab a nice, refreshing glass of milk and all that is left are droplets. Yea, I know….THE AUDACITY! So, then that evil demon cat, Americus decides to take a nice pee in that barely- there litter. What is her deal? I mean whenever we clean out the litter…it is like vultures circling their prey, I don’t know what it is about my cats and fresh litter…but they will not allow it to stay fresh. It is like a cardinal sin to them. I will never understand this.

So I tell hubby to run and get some….but he doesn’t want to go anywhere without me? I don’t know where this fear of going out alone comes from….but there is no way I am getting into that car (I mean I WAS doing CHORES WITHOUT BEING ASKED—give me some props here).  So, we glare at each other…I even try the NOT IT rule. Doesn’t work. I am afraid, dear readers, Hubby is reading the blog too much and starting a revolt against this NOT IT rule. I will not be defeated by Hubby’s obstinance…..I can reign him back in with favors! ( I hope).

Anyways, we are still in crisis mode……no solutions…yet. It is a standoff of the great litter crisis. Only the strong can survive. Better call Rae to save the day.

The Hate Blog

Dear Hubby,

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

This is my hate blog to you

Since you don’t do what I say!

Favors will come your way

Only when you realize who is boss….(ME)

Love letters

Hubby: You are so mean…writing hate blogs to me.

Me: That was my form of a love letter to you.

Hubby: Your love letters suck! Didn’t you get that love letter I put in your lunch earlier this week. (He really did put a love letter in my lunch)

Me: Yea, I did, but that was only cause we were in a fight….

Hubby: Silence (cause he knows it is true)

I am thinking I could write a nice blog about him….but I am going to have to think hard on this one….bear with me and check back tomorrow….or the next day. We shall see what I can come up with, so I can get a good Christmas present!

Demolition in the Desert

Note: Hubby’s nice post is being delayed due to the happenings of this weekend.

This weekend, we packed up our bags and headed to Tucson. It was the great game rivalry of ASU (BOO) versus U of A (GO CATS). Since Hubby and I both went to undergrad at U of A, we decided we would head down there and see if we could get some tickets to THE GAME. (I had been complaining all week because I heard it was sold out—but sometimes a true fan needs to take risks). Plus we decided it would be more fun to go to a bar in Tucson to root for our beloved Wildcats then hang out in Phoenix with all the scum devils. So, Friday night we jumped in the car and headed to Tucson. As soon as we got close, I could feel the amazing WILDCAT energy in the air and knew we had made the right decision. We headed to our old drinking place Kon Tiki. This place hands out drinks the size of a small swimming pool. They are called scorpion bowls and are AMAZING. Here is me drinking my bowl…but not wanting the picture.

That night we found a hotel and decided we would get up early and try and see if we could get some tickets. We meandered around the campus and went to the box office and much to our excitement there were (a few) tickets left…which we quickly snatched up! We were both so excited. We then wandered around for a bit and watched the tailgaters set up. Hubby was in hog heaven at this point because he loves tailgating and wanted to observe these “true tailgators” I mean it was intense. There were people in HUGE RVs with HUGE grills and all kinds of set ups with their U of A tents, bowls, flags, and stickers. It was awesome (after being at Yale for the last 3 years…..Hubby hadn’t seen a real tailgate in awhile). People were having a great time and the best part was the Wildcat energy that was in the air. It was electrifying…we knew that those lame scum devils were going to be sent home crying.

Watching all the rivalry type shirts was fun too….there was the ASWho shits…the ASUCKS…the You bet your sweet ass I hate those sun devils…well you get my point. Another funny thing was watching all the girls that hoochified their t-shirts. Our friend said, and I quote “you gotta love the sorostitutes.” So as you can imagine, the people watching was pretty fun!

Finally, it was game time! We met up with some old friends and went inside. All I can say is AWESOME.

We had the BEST time and OF COURSE the Wildcats won! The final score: 31 Wildcats to 10 Scum devils. I think one of my favorite parts was when the scum devils in the bleachers had no more snide comments because they knew they had been SLAPPED. And then the field was rushed…..

 It was an awesome time, a great game and I have to say I miss good ol Tucson.

GOOOOOOOOOOOO CATS!

The Love Blog

Hubby bought me Fully Loaded Nachos from Taco Bell (they are AMAZING), while I lounged in bed all day napping. Hey, had to recover from late night celebrating in Tucson. Good times.

I love him*….for now.

*Note to my Mom: See sometimes I love him ….(she was “worried” due to all my hate blogging)

 

I’m a Slave for you…

I swear these cartoonists must be spying on us…because these are the types of conversations that Hubby and I have.

The Marriage Proposal

The following recollection was inspired by real events that took place about 4.5 years ago. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. 

Hubby: I can’t wait for you to come home; I have a surprise for you. (Background: I had been working in another state for about 3 months…so he really missed me)

Me: OOO OOO did you get me my Harry Potter Golden Snitch Lamp?!!!! I need it!

Hubby: No, not exactly, but I think you will like this….

Upon arriving home a few days later…

Hubby: Come upstairs and look at your surprise.

Here is a picture of my “surprise” (It was a Hope chest that he made me, by hand–yea he is pretty crafty)

Me: Oh wow, that is cool. Is my HP lamp inside?

Hubby: Open it up.

Me: Ok

There was a ring with flower petals strewn about.

Hubby: Will you marry me?

Me: Yes, but can I still have my Harry Potter lamp?

Moral of Story: We got married; and I got my HP lamp! See what a good Hubby I have?! See, I CAN be romantic!

Paybacks

The Torment: Hubby is holding up Boston to say hello (if you can’t already tell he was NOT pleased!)

Boston Pissed

Paybacks are a Bitch:

A present awaits Daddy from the Cats...paybacks for torment

The Guilty Party:

We are so cute, we do no wrong

Me: NOT IT

Enough said.

Another Love Blog

Naughty Cookie Parties

This weekend my sister Sar is throwing a cookie party. The Mannix girls have always had Christmas cookie parties for as long as I can remember. However, this year we are opening it up to friends. They have never been your “typical” baking parties. Well, come to think about it….me in the kitchen? SCARY! However, I can usually bake…usually.  

The parties usually consist of making some chocolate peanut butter fudge, chocolate and white covered pretzels, and of course the world famous sugar cookies with frosting. I have so many cookie cutters you wouldn’t believe it….but our favorite? The gingerbread boy and girl. Why? You ask. Well, to spice things up a bit we do have our normal competitions of who makes the best decorated cookies, but one year we got a little creative. We decided to make gingerbread boy and girl’s but the Victoria’s Secret Edition (VS). We tried to see who could get the craziest with our cut out boys and girls and the tradition has carried on. I am excited to see what kinds of VS cookies turn out this time. And don’t worry boys and girls, I will be sure to include pictures of this year’s catwalk…but until then, I will tide you over with some pictures from a cookie party a few years back in Connecticut. I give you our Victoria’s Secret cookies:

Sexy outfitted ginger people in top right corner

 Yea, I promise to take better pics this year!

Sexy VS ginger lady in crotchless panties in bottom left

Me tasting pre-frosting

mmmmm yummy!

So, now for the poll: Do you think it is cheating that my sister wants to make all the sugar cookies from a pre-bought store dough? I have gotten into several arguments with her this week, telling her there is no way I will make my Victoria Secret girls outta pre bought dough…it is just plain cheating! (And it goes against my Cookie morals). So, I will be making the dough from scratch and she will be using the store bought. But, I still consider her a Cookie Party CHEATER….what do you think?

It’s Beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

I twisted Hubby’s arm tonight and made him take me out to find my special, tall, huge, pine-smelling, as big as possible, most perfect birthday/Christmas tree. Let me tell you, he wasn’t terribly excited because as fate would have it the first place we stopped at was probably the most expensive place for trees we have ever been to. I mean you would think these trees must have come with a little snow on the branches for the prices they were asking….we saw trees that were well over 191 dollars. Yes, dollars, folks. And then….. I saw it! The. Most. Perfect. Tree. Undeniable, it was love at first sight, but again as fate would have it, DEFINATELY not in our price range. I even tried to haggle…it is my birthday tree…but to no avail. The price tag on this tree: $102. Again, NOT in our price range for something that would eventually end up in the trash, and Hubby told me I was being ridiculous as I pouted by my LOVER tree (secretly I knew he was right….but a girl can’t help which tree she falls in love with).  Here is me with my sad face and my first tree love:

Love at first sight, but WAY outta the price range...

But, I am glad I listened to Hubby (sometimes that boy is smart) and I am way to emotional when it comes to my special, most perfect-birthday tree. Luckily, we passed a tree lot admist our hunt, with the PERFECT (and affordable) tree! We found it in less than 5 minutes AND guess how much it was for a 9 foot tree? $100? $75? $50? Keep guessing…

Our perfect Tree!

Cost of our perfect tree $39.95! HELLO! How amazing…see that Hubby is smart, who knew! We snatched it up and now it is resting in warm sugar water in our living room. I quickly called Sar, who also ran out to purchase one…what a deal! I am so happy with my special, beautiful, pine smelling, large birthday tree! I am ready to go grab my pillows and sleep under it all night. Me and my birthday tree will have sweet dreams tonight! (Background note: I have this weird thing with NEEDING to sleep under or very near my birthday tree…for as long as I can remember, my mom has found me sleeping near the tree)

What a good hubby for getting me my tree! I am officially in the Holiday spirit now!
Tree, you complete me!

It’s 5′oclock Somewhere!

TGIF everyone! We made it through another one (just barely)

Time to numb the pain…

The Young and the Restless

Rae, Hubby and I were on our way to/from picking up some yummy Sonic dinner (Rae never had a Cherry Limeaide….she is not from this planet)!

On the way there, the radio was playing a song about a lady who said she was a princess in a fairty tale life…..yea, I don’t know some country song.

Hubby (grabs my hand): You are NO princess, and this ain’t a fairy tale!

Me: Don’t I know it, you don’t have to tell me again! I know that this is not a fairy tale by any means…I think I figured that out about 4.5 years ago!

Hubby: chuckling

Me: Yea, I married below me!

Hubby: Aww you can be my princess!

Me: Well you can be my servant!

Now we are on the way home from our Sonic drive-thru……

Me: Guess what Rae misses. I will give you a guess…this is something she complained about for the last 4 years! (pause….silence, so I blurt) SCHOOL!

Me: I told you you would miss it once you were in the world of “I hate being a grown-up AND I hate working!”

Hubby(in a sad voice): I miss school too!

Me (thinking- Are you kidding me…..you are never going to school again! 3 years of my life were stolen from me—ok, so I am a bit dramatic)

Me: Why do YOU miss school?

Hubby: I miss my friends.

Me: HA you have no friends! I mean you have me, I will be your friend, but only cause I HAVE to be….

Hubby: You don’t hang out with me on the back porch and chug back beer.

Me: We don’t have a back porch that isn’t filled with dirt and we have no backyard furniture! I got you covered on the chugging beer part.

Holidaze

So, survived the cookie party with Sar’s obnoxious 7am ish call to start getting everything ready. Overall, a success, but there was a bit of a battle over cookies….can’t help that I am territorial over the ones that I made!

The party started with the most important part: THE BOOZE

Nothing like a good Maker's Mark Cider

Winter White Sangria

Then on to some cookie dough preparations…..

real dough is for big girls!

And jumping ahead…..behold some cookies!

mmm cookies...

And then comes TRADITON…our Victoria’s Secret Gang

Victoria's Secret gang....with see thru lingerie

And a close up…..

Our only boy surrounded by the ladies...

Rae's first VS lady

So, as you can see we had a fun time. We also made fudge, peanut kiss cookies, chocolate covered pretzels and LOTS of other goodies. MMM Yummy….I leave you with two partied out dogs…don’t worry they didn’t have any cookies! But, this is what happens after a day full of sugar and alcohol….

Some tuckered out cousins...

Until next year….

Credit Card Management 101

Hubby: What are you going to do to celebrate when we finish paying off your Macy’s and Victoria’s Secret Credit Cards?

Me: Go shopping?

I don’t think he found the humor in my answer….

Decorating Time

This weekend we decorated the tree and more of the house. We had a fun time, except for mine and Hubby’s disputes of where to strategically place the (hideous) ornaments. I feel as if I shouldn’t have to compromise THAT much since the tree, to me, is not just a Christmas tree….but a birthday tree. Here are some things we dispute over:

*colored lights—I am not a big fan of colored lights on the tree–I like white, but I decided to let him have all color this year, so next year I can have all white. Note: last year we had both and I like colored lights on houses, just not on the tree.

*ugly ornaments—Hubby has some ornaments that he made when he was six, while he thinks they are sentimental, I think they are hideous, so I sneakily put them in the back of the tree.

*presents—i like to put clues on the presents to help people guess….he likes to put to/from…but slowly he is learning to do clues!

*it’s all about me syndrome—I think I should always get my way in my birthday month and Hubby disagrees and says the Holidays aren’t all about me…I beg to differ!

Now here is the final outcome of our decorating. Turned out pretty well, despite Hubby not letting me get my way (Note to Hubby: this doesn’t mean I think you are right! I just know when to pick my battles!)

Our Tree

Christmas Cards

Hannukah and Menorah Men

Stockings...Hubby's has a lump of coal

Entryway

Well, there you have it……Holiday Decorations 2008!

The Great Christmas Tree Mystery…

Ceramic Tree...where did you come from?

The Ceramic Tree Mystery:

My Aunt made this Ceramic Christmas Tree over 30 years ago. This Christmas I inherited this tree (my Nanny passed this October and this is one of the things I inherited, see Elmira, NY ).

I was so excited, that is until my sister quite sarcastically stated that this COULD NOT have been hand made! We all thought it was beautiful and one of a kind, until my sister pointed out no one (NOT even our very cool aunt) could make something that looked this good…and played music. My Aunt laughed and said she made it in a Ceramics Class. I completely forgot about all of this, until my sister brought it up again. We also have seen it on my friend’s blog and we  are thinking maybe this item is not as “original” as I had  thought or maybe this is a traditional item that you can make in any ceramics class.

So, as usual, Sar thinks SHE is right, while I still maintain, that even IF other people have it, our Aunt did make it……with her very own hands for our Nanny, so it SHOULD still have some sentimental value, right…well those are MY thoughts on the matter!

Can anyone solve our great ceramic tree mystery? Does anyone know where this comes from? Is it a mold? Is it something sold in the stores? Is it the great Christmas Mystery of 2008? (I just liked the ring of that)

What do YOU think? Don’t worry, you won’t hurt my feelings because I will still love that little old Ceramic Christmas Tree, no matter what!

Keeping It Real…

Snippets of conversations between Hubby and I.  Aren’t we cute? Yea, so life is always interesting…we have never had problems with a lack of things to talk about, I guess that is what makes us so compatible! (Besides the fact that I am AMAZING)

Here is our advice on keeping it real….

On Carpooling:

Me: You should drive me to work everyday, I need a chauffer!

Hubby: Then you have to get up earlier.

Me: Oh, never mind!

Real life Matters:

Me: If we get divorced, I get our house.

Hubby: I don’t see us getting divorced.

Me: Well, you never know….so I get the house just in case.

On chores:

Me: You have so many chores, when we get home…you have to make lunches, put things away, carry in stuff from the car…etc.

Hubby: What do YOU have to do!

Me: Well, I have to take a shower, and blog.

Hubby: Blogging IS NOT a chore…

Me: Well, it is kinda like it…if I don’t do it, I will disappoint some of my reader’s routines in the morning! I can’t have that kind of pressure on me.

On love:

Me: Wanna do it?

Hubby: I’m too full from dinner.

Me: Me too…let’s go to bed!

On Death:

Burning Love Confessions

Me:  My butt burns.

Hubby: Why?

Me: I have had the squirts all day.

Hubby: You are so romantic.

Me: Don’t you love me?

Hubby: Of course, Squirts and all.

Then later, while lying in bed warm, comfortable and cozy.. a foul, smell wafts up to my nose (kind of like a mixture of raw sewer and bad eggs–I felt like you needed the analogy)

 Me: Did you fart? I smell farts!

Hubby (snickering): ummmm it wasn’t me….well, yea, I guess I did, but I thought the fart was trapped under the covers, I don’t know how it got out!

Me: OMG! Your butt is SO foul!

Hubby: Don’t you love me?

Me (SILENCE)

These are the things they don’t warn you about when you get married….farts and all. Just for the record…Hubby NEVER farted in the bed when we were dating.

What happened?

Christmas Vaction=Freedom!

Whew, the Holidays are upon us and I have the rest of the week off of work….what could be better? Lounging around in pjs…watching Christmas movies, DRINKING, hanging out with family, and doing nothing….life couldn’t get much better. I wish I could be a professional non-worker! J Maybe that will be my goal for the next year!

Time for the long car trip to TX. If you don’t hear from me, than you know Hubby killed me during our 14 hour road trip…..but I think he finds me entertaining, so I am not too worried…plus we have Britney AND RED BULL to get us there! Hopefully, I won’t have to stop at every pit stop…but that is probably NOT going to happen! WOOO HOOO for long car rides! I am sure the dog will be better than I will be! Poor Hubby, I have a feeling he is in for a LONG day tomorrow…especially since he wants to start our road trip at 5AM. EWWWWW. Have I mentioned I am not a morning person!

Hope everyone has a relaxing and FUN Christmas Holiday, and safe travels!  

My First Tacky Ornament Party

So, at work this week they have what you call a Tacky Ornament Party. I have never been to one before, and normally when I think tacky I think one of two things:

1. How tacky is tacky? DEFINE because I can probably get really tacky

2. I can always hit tacky, but probably also rub in how great the school I went to is compared to the arch enemy university I now work for…..you know, hit below the belt. I am just mean like that…

So, after struggling for some time, I came up with my first tacky ornament…it might not win any prize, but it does foster my love for my University of Arizona Wildcats! Poor Wilbur he is made out of a wine bottle ….

Wilber the Wildcat! Even Santa loves him!

Wilber from behind (note his A cape and his tail)

Well, there you have it folks….no worries, I won’t quit my day job, just yet!

Oh yea, and I offered to make Hubby one for his office at work too…you know to get him in the Tacky Ornament Spirit…but he turned me down…..guess he wasn’t impressed with my artistic skills!

Bathroom Etiquette

Have you ever noticed when girls go to the bathroom at work….they want to chit chat with you? While in the stalls? Or while washing their hands?

Why is the bathroom the new place to hang out? I just don’t get it.

This is weird, people! Leave me alone. When I go to the bathroom (at work) I am there for two reasons:
1.      I want to drop the kids off at the pool and I need to concentrate, in peace! (Don’t judge….sometimes I cannot go unless I know I have the bathroom to myself…..not really anxiety, but more like bathroom serenity needs to be established)

2.      I am hiding out…the bathroom is a fun place to hide; people usually aren’t looking for me in there!

However, lately I have found myself going to alternate floors in the building because I need my peace, and I don’t want to get all chatty in the bathroom. That just doesn’t help me achieve my bathroom chi.

So, please people…..let me poop (or hide) in peace!

 

Morning NOISE

Lately, Hubby has been getting up really, really, really early to go to work. And we have already established that I AM NOT a morning person…so to be disturbed in my sleep is like waking up a bear from his hibernation. NOT.PRETTY. Of course, Hubby doesn’t think he is being that loud, but to me…sounds like FIREWORKS and MARCHING BANDS are going off in the morning as he slams around in the bathroom, taps his toothbrush, and shuffles about our room. Basically, I am about ready to KILL him. Again, I am just not rational in the morning.

So, sometimes we talk about this at night. I guess, I am hoping maybe he will be quieter or maybe he will realize how annoying he is in the WEE HOURS OF THE A.M. Although I am convinced he makes the morning bangs on PURPOSE because he doesn’t want me to sleep in any longer than he does, but he denies this. LIAR!

Me: In the morning, in my semi-state of consciousness, I dream that I am killing you with each bang you make. You know, like stabbing you like this….(violent stabbing motions are being made)

Hubby (rolling his eyes): I am SO quiet in the morning!

Me: ARE NOT!

Hubby: Waaaaaaaay quieter than you are.

Me: Probably true, but you are still not THAT quiet.

Hubby: I even lay out my clothes the night before, so I don’t make the drawers creek!

Me: You still bang around on purpose to wake me up!

Hubby: And you don’t EVER make noise!

Me: That’s right. That is because I am perfect! J

Snow Days….

Not that we ever got these that much, while living in CT and working at YALE, but right about now…with all my friends telling me they get to go home EARLY because of the perceived 7 inches of snow that should be hitting the East Coast….I actually miss this crap! HOW crazy am I?

I want a snow day! Please? Pretty Please? (How is it possible that I actually MISS the snow? After all I did was complain!) Well, I know I don’t miss shoveling or driving in it!

I can’t believe I miss it!  :)

Fun Finds…

So, I never told you guys the exciting news! My tacky Ornament (My First Tacky Ornament Party) was a big hit…I tied for first place! Can you believe it?!!! I can’t, I was thinking I would end up with my pride and joy ornament, but people were figthing over it…it goes to show where true alligiance lies and that everyone KNOWS the best university in Arizona is University of Arizona! Go CATS!

The ornament I won was pretty popular too. I had to fight two people for it, but finally she could be stolen no more. I knew she had to be mine…..it was love at first sight. She HAD to belong to me. I knew I had to bring her home to Hubby, as he would love her just as much as me! So may I present……

Christmas "Eve"

She is HOT, huh?

Then tonight Rae and I went out for a few last minute gifts. I found some pretty exciting sales and couldn’t pass up another “perfect” Christmas decoration. I spent a whole $1.50 on it, but it definately suits our household! It is just perfect, huh! What do you think?

The Perfect Sign

So here you have it folks, a few Christmas treasures for 2008! What a great time of the year!

Perfect Match

As of today, Hubby and I SHOULD have been in Texass (that is what I affectionately call it), however due to his evil job we are still here. (NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE). So, we are hoping to hit the road on Tuesday early morning to go visit his family for Christmas and my birthday. It is a 14 hour road trip, and yes, we are driving. I am not the best person to drive with because this is me, ARE.WE.THERE.YET????!!!! I know, you aren’t surprised, right. Plus, I usually have to go to the bathroom every 3 miles….yea, I am usually not allowed to have any beverages! I mean you know you have a problem, when our dog is better on these trips then me…..

However, today I am wondering why we AREN’T there yet……I am SO ready for a mini-vacation and break. We haven’t been anywhere fun in awhile and I need a break from my mundane life right now. Now, I am trying to get in the mood to go to work Monday, which I am CLEARLY NOT IN THE MOOD for. Because it was hard enought to be motivated on Friday, when I thought I was not coming back for awhile. I don’t know how I am going to get through tomorrow withought my flask….

On another note, Hubby and I were talking today and this is how we know we are a perfect match.

Hubby: I am trying to get in the Holiday Spirit, but I feel like such a grinch this holiday.

Me: I know, me too. And I NEED some booze to make me get in the HOLIDAY SPIRIT! We need to drink more Maker’s Cider.

Hubby: Do you think it is a bad thing, the amount of hard alcohol I have been devouring chugging consuming drinking lately?

(NOTE: His huge bottle of Maker’s is got maybe 2 shots worth left…and we just bought it in the beginning of December!)

Me: No, you need it and somedays I think I need the whole bottle too….

Hubby: That is how I know we are a perfect match!

Me: I know.

Driving driving driving…

I have to pee really really bad and we are in the middle of no where so am trying to distract myself NOT WORKING! Ugh bumps…

Texas

Our drive looked like this, now you can feel like you were right there with us…

We made it and I am still alive…Hubby didn’t kill me for asking “are we there yet” AND except for that unfortunate ( I almost died cause I had to pee) incident it was a relatively uneventful trip. Yea, I totally gulped a Red Bull once we got outside of El Paso and literally we had just passed a restroom and I didn’t have to go…then all of the sudden it hit me…and if we didn’t stop soon, I thought I would die.  Luckily for you all, I didn’t.

Anyways, we are here in San Antonio, weather is beautiful. Tonight we head down to the Riverwalk to look at all the pretty lights and to eat at a great Restaurant down there…..the guacamole is to die for! MMMM I am getting hungry just THINKING about the food! I will let you know how it is!

Happy Christmas Eve, from Texas…

Fun Family Conversations

Just some snippets of family conversation I thought you would enjoy from the holidays.

Mom-in-law to Hubby: Go pull your thing out and let’s play with it!

Hubby, Hubby’s sister and I start laughing…..yea, all of our minds were in the gutter that time!

FYI: she was referring to his baking….AND this is pre-drinking….

Later On that night…

Hubby: OOO OOO look Adult Emporium (XXX) is open…

Dad-in-law (on our way to the Boudros): We might stop there on our way back….we have so many batteries!

Hubby: Ummmm there is such a thing as TMI…and we have just reached that point.

And then at Christmas/Birtday time….

Me (opening my birthday gifts): OO OOO these are the bedsheets I wanted!

Everyone: What material are they?

Me: Satin-like, you know slip and slide material….

Gotta love family entertainment…it is even free!

Merry Christmas…

Last night at the Riverwalk was gorgeous! We had a great dinner, great conversations, and full bellies! Here is the proof…

Riverwalk lights!

 

Riverwalk bridge....

Then on to Boudros….Amazing food and they make the BEST guacamole!

Yummy, Yummy!

Very full kids!

Group shot on the Riverwalk...

And then it was time for Christmas PJs…..woo hoo!

Yea for Christmas PJs

The family poses with their Christmas Pajamas! Fun times!

Pre-birthday cake....

And then it was Christmas…….

Christmas Tree

Patches and her present, she is just like her momma…LOVES Christmas and CAN open her own gifts!

WOO HOO Presents!

And the aftermath….we call it Christmas Carnage….

the leftover and some tired pups!

Merry Christmas Everyone! Hope yours is as fun as ours!

On the Road Again…

Tomorrow at 5am we hit the road again back to AZ…..back to the grind. We had such a great time in Texas, it will be sad to leave. Our Christmas was great and we have so much loot to hall back….good thing we took the truck! Another great Christmas over, it always makes me sad because it is my most favorite time of the year. Now we will be headed on the open road early, early in the morning and then back to work this week. YUCK.

I will try not to scarf any Red Bull this time, so that I won’t have to pee every minute….hopefully. Yuck. I.HATE.THE.DRIVE.BACK.

Don’t worry road updates will follow. ARE WE THERE YET?

Brother & Sister Love

Hubby (to me): Did you want to hear about the end of the Spurs game?

Me: I heard about it.

Hubby’s Sis: What? Tell me! I want to know!

Hubby (to his Sis): You don’t care…

Hubby’s Sis: Well, I can pretend I do!

Me (laughing): That is awesome! I need a shirt that says that.. ”I pretend to care!”

Bored

Me: I’m bored! Are we there yet?
Hubby:not even close!

Cruisin’ Conversations

So, we made it back. It was probably the worst trip back EVER because we got (a little) too many speeding tickets (we think). Well, Hubby did. One in the middle of TX for going 85 mph (PEOPLE THE SPEED LIMIT THERE IS 80) however, it was still dark out (being that it was 6am) and so he got a ticket because he should have been going 65 (night speed). OOPS! Then there was a camera set up in Tucson….I hate those stupid speed cameras. So, we can’t be sure, but it totally flashed. Oh well. It happens, but I think this trip got very expensive!

Anyways, besides that part and the long, boring drive we did have some good conversations….

On Driving

Me: I hate driving! (Mind you I think on the way back I drove maybe an hour and a half out of 14 hours….. )

Hubby: Why

Me: Cause I see dead things. And it is probably not a good idea to close my eyes like I do everytime I see them.

On How much longer

Me: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Hubby: I can pull this car over and you can walk!

On Speeding Tickets

Me: There goes our Christmas money. I think it may have been cheaper to fly!

Hubby: (DEAD SILENCE)

On the Best BBQ in Texas (Advice to Readers)

Me: If you ever see this place GO THERE!

On Small Towns in the Middle of West Texas

Hubby: Let’s stop there…at the one that says Travel Center

Me (slowing down..yea it was the one time I was driving) Oh yea, THIS looks like a nice travel center. (FYI…it was a run down shack with ONE pump) Kinda like this, but not exactly…

Hubby: After we fill up, want a tour of the town?

Me: I think I will pass.

On food in the car:

Hubby doesn’t like me to eat in the car, but I do it anyways.

Me: UH OH

Hubby(angry-like): Did you drop your pretzels?!

Me: uh oh

Hubby: You will pick that up!

Me: Ooops I think it fell somewhere out of reach…..

Coming soon…pictures of my pretzel art

Well, there you have it. Don’t you just feel like you were in the car with us?

We didn’t kill each other and we are still talking to each other, so all in all good times!

Eye Twitching & Alien Babies

I don’t know what is wrong with me, but my eye (lid) has been twitching for the last two days. I have no idea why, but it is driving me crazy.

Has this ever happened to you?

It is weird, it is like my eyelid just moves, like there is an alien baby inside of it…or something…ok, maybe I have an active imagination, but I can’t help it.

So, while at work, I was talking to my co-worker (CW). Mind you it is totally dead at work this week…NO ONE IS HERE and I mean NO ONE. School doesn’t start back up for another week.

Me: Does your eye ever twitch? Cause mine is totally twitching right now! Do you think it is stress?

CW: No, I just think you are retarded.

Gee, with friends like that who needs enemies….right? Or maybe there really is an alien baby in my eyelid…..

Happy New Years

Me at New Years…..

Hubby at New Years….well actually Hubby all year long….

Hope Everyone has a happy one!

New Year Resolution Attempts

I never was one for making  resloutions, only because 1. I usually can’t remember them and 2. I am never good at keeping them (hey at least I am honest). So maybe it should be called New Year’s Resloution Tasks to Attempt IF I feel like it. Yea, I like that.

Well, here they are:

1. I will try and crack open a cookbook to learn to cook more dinners for Hubby (yea, who are we kidding). How about, I will try and crack open a cookbook to help Hubby find new and improved recipes!

2. I will try to not ask “are we there yet” every 2 minutes if we go on any LONG road trips to Texas, or wherever. Instead, I will ask “how much longer” every 5 minutes.

3. I will try and win the lottery so we can be rich and famous! (This way I can watch TV all day and attempt to continue to read cookbooks.)

4. I will buy a house this year….well with the money that we win with the lottery winnings, of course!

5. I will stop proclaiming NOT IT whenever I don’t want to clean up cat vomit, cat litter or any other nasty present we see in the house. (Ok, this one is a blatant lie, but I can attempt to attempt it….)

6. I will try and clean the house more, rather than saying I needed to lay in bed because I am allergic to cleaning.

7. I will try to do poop patrol in the backyard, take out the trash, and help pick weeds rather than say to Hubby “Those are a boy’s job and I don’t want to take away from your ability to feel manly.”

8. I will try to stop leaving make-up chunks on Hubby’s side of the sink and clean them up when they happen because Hubby hates when I leave messes on his side. (In my defense, I do this so he can always be remembering and  thinking about me fondly!)

9. I will try not to call Rae and Hubby Pukey 1 and Pukey 2 after they both puked New Year’s Eve because they drank too much.

10. I will try not to torment and squeeze Americus, the evil alarm clock cat, as much this year.

11. I will try not to torment my sisters so much even when they are mean to me and even though we are all grown ups now…..

12. I will be thankful for an amazing Hubby, who puts up with all of my antics and loves me still unconditionally, right Hubby?

Well, there you have it. My attempts to be a better and more well-rounded person for the New Year, although I think I am pretty amazing already….but I guess everyone has some improvement areas….

I hope everyone has an Amazing New Year and wish everyone health, happiness and winnings from the lottery for 2009!

Good Times…

Here is the proof from our fun family New Year’s Eve get together. We made a little fondue, played a little Wii, and watched the Ball in Times Square drop. And some of us had a bit too much to drink, but what a way to ring in the New Year, right?!

Hubby with his booze...starting the New Year out right!

 

Making Fondue with a captive audience

Hubby and me with our booze

And the countdown to midnight begins….

Watching the ball drop...

Wait…where is Rae (AKA Pukey 1)

Reaching for that water glass...

Hmmmm bringing in the New Year is always fun in the bathroom!

Pukey 1

P.S. Rae might kill me for putting up these pics….but they teach a valuable lesson about pace and the value of food, plus I knew her boy would want to see them.

Moments of Silence…

Me: Hubby, will you please drive my mom and sister home because I am too lazy?

Hubby (sitting right across from me): SILENCE

Me: Hubby, don’t you love me?

Hubby (not even looking up): SILENCE

Me (more quietly and sad): Hubby, don’t you love me?

Hubby: SILENCE

Me: I don’t like these moments of silence….you are supposed to jump up and say “YES, Dear of course I will. I love you soooooo much!”

Hubby: SILENCE

Guitar Hero Addictions

Dear Guitar Hero,

I love you. You are a very fun game and I think I am addicted to your colorful notes. I see them everywhere! I  see color notes everytime I listen to any song on the radio. I see the color notes in my sleep. I see color notes all around me. I cannot get your songs out of my head and I love Midori and her green legwarmer socks and purple hair. I really feel that I AM Midori the Rocker!

P.S. Can you please cause my sister’s fingers to fall off, so she can stop being better than me?

Love,

A faithful fan

I guess this is what happens when you play for 5 hours straight.

Are we really THAT old?

I should preface this post with the fact that I USED to LOVE going to the movie theatre and thought I still did until last night. Last night we saw Marley and Me, which was a good movie and I was just excited to be going to see a movie, since it is not a frequent thing for us.

It was our first “movie night” in awhile and I decided at 9pm that I wanted to go see it. (Mind you the movie started at 9:20pm.) But there is nothing like the spur of the moment…makes things exciting, much to Hubby’s chagrin. Especially when I dilly dally like I do. As Hubby is rushing around yelling at me to “HURRY UP or we won’t make it!”

So, we get there just in time to see the movie, despite threats…

Me: I am going to kill you if you yell at me anymore! ( As we all know I am prone to exaggerate)

Hubby: Not if I kill you first!

We get there with plenty of time…. just as the movie is starting. However, as I sit down next to a lady and her 5 year old (bouncing in his seat, can’t.sit.still.kid) I whisper to Hubby that I am going to move to the other side of him to get away from this kid. We then move down a few seats….a few moments later I hear a shrieking baby to my right. Come on, People? Why are you bringing small children to the movies? Ever heard of babysitters? I don’t know why this makes me sooooo crazy, well probably because we just paid an obscene amount of money to watch a movie, a little quiet could go a long way.

Then we are halfway through the movie and the teens in front of us are whipping out their iphones and playing around, causing a HUGE glare of computer screen to be in my face, while they point, whisper and talk to their friends. (Remind me why they are at the movies if they are just gonna talk on their phones? )Then at about 10 minutes to the end of the movie the people to the right of us start whispering and laughing (mind you the END of Marley and Me is SAD) and Hubby has to SHOOSH them, which doesn’t work that well anyway, but the effort is much appreciated!

We then get out of the movie and I say to Hubby:

Me: Tell me are we just getting old or are the movie patrons getting ruder and ruder?

Hubby: We are just getting old and crochety.

Me: Sad story, while I was hoping that was not the case…I guess we are those crabby people that SHOOSH everyone during the movie, you know the ones we used to make fun of when we were teenagers at the movies.

Hubby: Except WE didn’t have cellphones then!

I guess we really ARE getting THAT old, especially when our idea of a “great movie night” is staying at home in our PJs with some microwave popcorn and a DVD, instead of fighting with people at the movie theatre.

My Get out of Work Free Card…

Tomorrow I am summoned to Jury Duty. While most people would probaby not be excited for this….I LOVE the idea of missing work! I know, call me crazy, but a day of people watching ( I like to make up stories about people that I am watching….for instance, see that person that is in the cubicle next to yours….he used to be a mass murderer, until he stole someone’s identity…he is currently scoping you out and soon will kill you and take over your job!) See won’t I make THE. PERFECT. JUROR? Especially with my overactive imagination!

Plus, I get to sleep in an extra 30 minutes…..what more could one ask for? So, tomorrow I will report on my crazy day, that is, unless I am chosen to be on a trial…but that would be too good to be true. Imagine missing that much work……WOO HOO!

Yea, my luck isn’t THAT good because this morning I broke a small compact mirror, which means 7 years of bad luck are about to be upon me….eh, whatever….I am not scared. YET.

Fork Stabbings, crowdings, and lack of free wifi

Well, so far Jury Duty isn’t all it is cracked up to be. First, I got my fork for lunch taken away from me while going through the Xray machine.

Xray scanners: Maam, do you have a fork in your purse?

Me: No, I don’t think so…..oh wait, yea for my lunch.

Xray scanners: We need to confiscate that. You can get it when you are done for the day.

Me: But, how am I going to eat my lunch? I promise not to stab anyone….

Xray scanners (not seeing the humor): There are plastic forks in the cafeteria.

So, there goes my fork stabbing plan…..hopefully I remember to get it when I am done.

I am crowded in a small room of people and I guess they will be screening people soon. In the meantime, I tried to get on the “free wifi” but guess what….it IS NOT FREE.

Woo hoo, guess my 7 years of bad luck has begun….let the fun begin!

To Be Continued….

Jury Duty Survival

Well, I survived Jury Duty and lived to tell about it. I did not get kicked out, I did not stab anyone with my (now) confiscated fork, and did not follow some of your suggestions to say that I believed in ”an eye for an eye” to get out of it.

I actually rather enjoyed it. There were TONS of weird people there, I mean you name it I saw it. There were all types of people (young, old, weird looking, smelly and ones that looked like maybe they should be on trial) and the lady on the loudspeaker thought she was a regular comedian. She even cracked jokes and told us if any of us got unruly she would have her bodyguard, the baliff, take care of us….which meant, I had to refrain from stabbing anyone with my (now) plastic fork, unless I wanted a trial of my very own. Which might have been fun, but I decided it would be a VERY expensive process for Hubby to go through and since I haven’t won the lottery yet, he probably would have let me stay in jail.

I was sitting next to this older guy and he and I kept getting picked for everything…and trust me, the first big case was a 3 month murder trial, and as much FUN as I thought it would be to get out of work for 3 months (because my name WAS selected), I decided I had better claim “financial hardship” being I highly doubted my work would pay for me to be gone for 3 months and $12 dollars a day for three months was NOT going to cut it, as much as I had wished it would! Next, my neighbor and I got called to do a 1 month trial, they didn’t tell us what this one was about, but again, $12 a day wasn’t going to cut it, so again I clamied “financial hardship.” Then we got to sit around for a bit “in case they needed us” and watch videos on the the Justice System….fun times, I tell you!

And that, dear readers, was my day in a nutshell. No fork stabbings this time around, but hopefully next time I am called to do my “public duty” I will be better prepared!

P.S. You will all be happy to know I got my fork back!

Regrets…

Me: HMPH. (Sighing heavily)

Hubby: What’s a matter?

Me: I could have been a juror on a murder trial! Instead, I am going back to my job tomorrow to do boring things…I won’t even use my brain…like I could have, had I been on a murder trial.

Hubby: Sorry, Dear.

Me: Glad I got my MBA….remind me, why I did that? I could have been learning all about murder…what to do and what not to do…so that I could plot your demise! Just like on my favorite show, Snapped! http://www.oxygen.com/tvshows/snapped/about.aspx

But, alas, it will be back to the boring routine for me…hmph!

Gotta love the sisters…

So, all my life I have been made fun of by my sisters for having a big butt. (I really think they are just jealous) Everytime I used to come home for a visit they would turn me around and say…”how is it possible that your butt has gotten BIGGER?!” So, recently Rae found me a cartoon that attested to this, so as proof that I have a good sense of humor and as paybacks for me posting up her Pukey 1 pictures (just in case any of you missed this you can view Pukey 1 here at: Good Times…), I am going to show you the cartoon she found in honor of my behind…

And that, my friends, is my behind in a nutshell. Oh well, I guess I could have worse problems, right Rae?

The Curious Case of the Bed Hog

(NOTE: The following story is a true event. The place and names HAVE NOT been changed to protect the identity of the party involved.)

I have always liked laying on the floor. I enjoy watching movies, tv and even sometimes (gasp) sleeping on the floor. For as long as I can remember, my sisters and I have made “floor beds” on the floor with tons of blankets and pillows, so I guess that is why I love the floor so much.

Lately, every morning without fail, Hubby finds me asleep on the floor right beside the bed. I don’t know why I do this. Sometimes I am hot, sometimes I must sleep walk, and sometimes I think it is a curious case of the bed hog that pushes me to the floor…maybe.

Here is the bed hog: (and yes, she really does sleep like this)

Patches AKA BED HOG

The Bed Hog is always HOGGING the bed, if not hogging the bed, then kicking me with her feet. Why does she sleep on the bed you ask? Because IF she does not get her way, she will WHINE and WHINE and WHINE, until I want to strangle her….and try as I might I CAN’T ignore her. ( I know she does sound a lot like me, huh?)

So, this morning, I woke up a couple of times to a gagging, hacking cough-like sound over my head. I thought to myself why is HUBBY sounding like that? Only to semi-wake up and find myself on the floor, Patches laying length-wise on my side, with her head on my pillow looking down at me gag-coughing.

Strange, I think to myself:

1. How did I end up on the floor, while my dog is in MY bed next to MY Hubby, looking down at me, like I am the dog?

2. Is she going to throw up a hairball on me?

Curious, very curious indeed….

Pretty "Princess" Patches

The Worst Week Ever…

It’s just been one of those weeks and I am just happy to put it behind me.

Here are the highlights:

1.  Had to say no to Jury Duty selection in fear that I would be homeless on the 12 dollars a day Jury pay.

2.  My car is broken, ok really just my sunglass holder in my car is broken, but still I loved that sunglass holder!

3.  Found out we are poor, ok I already knew this, but it hit me hard this week, AND I STILL HAVEN’T WON THE LOTTERY YET

4.  Didn’t win the lottery…oh do I need to buy a ticket to win?

5.  Cut the back of my leg while shaving.

6.  Got to enter meaningless data into a calendar at work.

7.  Didn’t get to use my brain this week….

8.  Drank half of our liquor….uh oh!

9.  Had people at work rub it in that I didn’t know THAT company policy is to pay you if you get selected for Jury Duty…didn’t I read the HR POLICIES? (sending rays of hate their way)

10.  Got to sit in two 2 hour meetings this week, and wondered what am I doing with my life?

11. Broke a small compact mirror in the morning, while half-asleep. Seven years of bad luck coming my way…

12. Accidentally deleted one of my shows in the DVR because I got “delete happy.”

Well, I am sure there is more….but thankfully, we are on to another week…which I am hoping will be much better than this week was!

Confessions of A (Bed) Side Stealer

Every morning when Hubby gets up to feed the obnoxious pets, I roll over and steal his side because it is warm and I like to spread out. This morning I thought I would be an amazing, nice, wonderful wifey and feed the pets for him, so he could stay in bed, even though it is a “boy’s” job to feed the pets. (Yea, so I have already failed my resolutions…I knew I would…that is why I said they are more like attempts).

So, I did it and what do I find when I come back to the bed? But, Hubby on MY SIDE! I try and push and shove him to no avail.

Hubby:  MMMM NO! This time I am STEALING your side!

Me: FINE! That is the last time I will be a nice wifey and feed the pets! (I then crawl back into bed on the wrong side)

Hubby then tries to snuggle.

Me: Don’t touch me!

Hubby: I love you.

Me: I hate you, you sides stealer!

Hubby: So this is love!

Land mines, vacuuming, and checking your email…

Me: Should we straighten the house?

Hubby: I guess so.

Me: Ok, I will do the cat litter and vacuum and you should really do Poop Patrol outside cause it looks like the backyard is full of poop, instead of dirt.

So, being the good Hubby that he is, goes out to clean up the land mines. Without even a complaint!

And that is when I get out the vacuum cleaner, plug it in and set it up in a room, so it can “appear” as though I am about to vacuum. Then I head straight for the office to play on the computer “AKA checking my email.”

I am so lost in the moment of “checking my email” that I didn’t hear Hubby come in.

Hubby (yelling): WHAT are YOU doing?!

As he brings me the bag of collected land mines and swings it in my face.

Me (guiltily): Checking my email. EWWWWW!

Hubby: That is not on the chore list, nor is it a chore!

Me: Of course it is, and I was just taking a “break” anyways.

Hubby: You are so lazy!

Hmmmm I prefer sneaky!

Economic Hardship and the Ivy Leagues

Upon checking the mail this week, Hubby received a letter from Yale University, where he had previously gone to graduate school. Let me remind you, that he has not even been out of school for a year yet, and just 3 months ago he was receiving “Would you like to make a donation” letters.

Ummm, let me think about that. Heck no!

I mean we are still getting over the fact that we don’t have to eat PB&J sandwiches everyday! So, when I saw this envelope, I thought it was more of the same thing. I left it on the counter for Hubby to read.

Hubby opens it later and laughs out loud.

Hubby: I think I will be making a call to the Yale Accounts office in the morning.

Me: Why?

Hubby: Look at this letter!

Me (scanning quickly): What?

Hubby: This is my bill for the Fall 2008 semester……they think I am still there….but I GRADUATED!

Me: HILARIOUS….They must have sent it because you wouldn’t donate! Gotta make money somehow! It’s rough times…. even for the Ivy Leagues!

Wait...I don't go there anymore

My Sister the Facebook Fiend

My sister's obsession

This weekend, Sar learned to use Facebook and now is obsessed with getting as many “friends” as she can. It is like some kind of obsessive thing going on here, I mean we already have established she is a blog stalker, now she is obsessed with forcing people to be her friend on Facebook and if they haven’t responded yet, she thinks it is because they are contemplating “IF” they should be her friend. Honestly, everything is a competition with her. This is because she has middle child syndrome. So, unfortunately, she will never outgrow it.

Sar (exclaiming vehemently): I HAVE 24 friends on my Facebook page now!

Me: Wow, that is like 12 a day….amazing!

Sar: I know, EVERYONE wants to be my friend!

Me: UH HUH

P.S. I wrote this blog about her to attempt to get her more friends on facebook, so she can fulfill her life quest of the most friends possible. Let me know if you want to be her friend and I can give her your name so she can bask in the glory of cyber friendships and stalkings.

Licking the Envelope…

This past weekend Mom took us to go see the musical Chicago. It was pretty awesome and we had a great time!

Afterwards, while sitting outside the theatre, Rae took notice of a ATM machine and wanted to learn to deposit a check. She had never deposited without a live person before, so I told her I would help her. ( I know I am the BEST.SISTER.EVER.) And she is a bit sheltered!

Me: Sign the back of your check.

Rae: Ok

Me: Pull out an envelope and write your totals on it and put your check in the envelope.

Rae: Then what?

Me: Lick the envelope. Novel concept, huh?

She didn’t find the humor in this or my comment of being the best sister ever.  I think it might be the last time she asks me to teach her something…

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…

As we are brushing our teeth getting ready for bed the other night, Hubby and I have an interesting conversation.

Me: You have red eyes. That is how I know you and Patches are ready for bedtime.

Hubby (staring closely at himself in the mirror): I don’t have red eyes, do I?

Me: Yup you do.

Hubby (again examining himself closely): Do you think I should shave soon? I think this scruff makes me look SEXY.

Me (matter of factly): I think it makes you look old!

Hubby (sarcastic): I don’t look old!

Me (matter of factly): Yes you do.

Hubby: Well, it isn’t like I have any gray hairs yet….do I? (And he begins to examine his hair in the mirror)

Isn’t Hubby lucky to have me? For better or worse….and I think he is SO VERY LUCKY!

Stress Reduction Kits

Sometimes it is better to express yourself visually and this is how I feel this week….I just need to tape this to my doors. ALL.OF.THEM. At home, work, a smaller one for in the car and another taped to my ATM card– for my bank account!

Let me know if you need one and I will make you one with my own two hands AND sign the back! I know, what more could you ask for, right? Asking price is $19.95 plus shipping and handling. If you order it on the blog, I will give you a 5% discount!

 I will accept cash or money order only. Let me know, this hand-drawn kit is a super deal at a steal of a price!

P.S. This has been tested (by yours truly) and proven to be effective! So, I encourage you to buy and use it today before they run out!

My Dog, the ConeHead

This past week, Patches has been licking and licking and licking and licking and licking and licking and licking (well, I think you get the point) her back leg until it was raw. Seeing this, Hubby and I decided we would try our hands at being veternarians (this is not reccommended, but it seemed to work, at first), since our income, lately has been on the downward spiral. We decided we would saran wrap this rogue leg, so she couldn’t lick it.

However, about six or seven days later, she was still licking and the saran wrap was just not cutting it.

So, today,  Hubby took her to the vet (after much begging and pleading to take our “dying puppy” to the vet so her leg would not fall off and she wouldn’t die..insert my sad puppy eyes here)!

They think it is some kind of bacterial infection, since it is nowhere else on her body, but this one spot. So, they gave her some antiseptic spray and shaved her back leg and said we have to watch her and make sure she doesn’t lick it!

And then…..they said she had to wear the conehead, to make sure she didn’t lick….I really tried not to laugh when I saw this…I know, I am such a bad mother….as I pointed and rolled on the floor!

But, as she banged into the walls to come and greet me when I got home, I just fell to the floor laughing because everywhere she went she banged into EVERYTHING. Poor, Poor Patches. She is the saddest dog ever and after what we paid at the vet, Hubby is forcing her to wear it per the vet’s reccomendation of ten days!

Poor, Sad Patches!

Wii away your frustrations…

So, we rented this really cool wii game called Bomberland. It is awesome, and I mean AWESOME. You can play up to 4 players, and you get to bomb things. I can’t explain how AWESOME it feels to bomb things….and eventually you can try and bomb each other, to kill each other. Now, I am not a violent or competitive person (at least I don’t think so—-just because I exclaim I WON, I WON…doesn’t mean anything, right?) but this game is so much fun! Nothing like bombing and destroying a few people, after a hard day’s work!

The other night me, Sar, and both Hubby’s were playing. Now, Sar is VERY competitive and wasn’t enjoying the fact that her Hubby kept dropping bombs everywhere and killing her….it was really quite amusing. I mean REALLY AMUSING cause she gets MAD!

Sar: ALAN! STOP trying to kill me!

(Insert Alan giggling like a little girl)

Hubby: Are you guys trying to gang up on me?

Sar: No, but Alan is trying to Bomb me all the time and I am just saying he SHOULD support me! (She then glares at him ferociously)

Alan (snickering as he bombs her): Sorry, your dead.

Sar: JERK

Isn’t it amazing how these games bring us closer together and magically wipe away all of our problems, temporarily of course?

Evil Taco Bell!

MY LOVE

They took away my two favorite things on the menu! I hate them right now and their inability to make me happy! HOW DARE THEY?!

Hubby (calling on phone): UMMMM they don’t have fully loaded nachos anymore.

Me: WHAT! Tell them to get back in the kitchen and MAKE THEM FOR ME! Ok, I will have a volcano taco.

Hubby: They don’t have that anymore.

Me: GEEZ ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Do they still have tacos?

Sending EVIL RAYS OF HATE THEIR WAY! RUDE!

Wife: For Sale, Rent, or Lease to Own

With all the hype in the news lately with it being “rough times,” Hubby and I couldn’t get over the news stories on the girl selling her virginity and the guy trying to sell his 14 year old daughter for beer and meat. I mean times are tough, people! So, I completely understand where they are coming from…..I think.

So, Hubby and I thought we should jump on this bandwagon, while the market is HOT!

Me: Can you believe all these stories?

Hubby: No. I know, maybe we should sell you.

Me: Good idea. I have no idea what the ad could say, but maybe something like Rent-a-wife or something and we should start the bid at 1 million dollars! ( I am totally worth it..stop laughing)

Hubby: Yea, but like only for one night cause I think I would miss you.

(Gotta love that Hubby….see he still loves me!)

Thinking to myself…I have no idea what this ad would say? Maybe something like:

Wife for Rent: Think I love Lucy…must have LOTS of patience. She doesn’t cook, usually feigns cleaning, and exclaims NOT IT whenever she wants to get out of chores (which is most of the time). Has no skills. Cannot sew, rarely does laundry, and belches a lot. Not really sure what she is good for, that is why I am selling her. Make me an offer. Comes AS IS. Have to rent out to make bill payments and to be able to buy beer. But, willing to negotiate because times are tough and her income is needed.

How does that sound, Hubby?

The Internal Debate

I am not admitting to anything….just want your opinions and am curious! Shhhhh don’t tell Hubby that I do this. Plus I am hoping the odds are in my favor!

I’m Not That Innocent…

Well, I am still pretty new at the the whole blogging scene, but I have received two of these now and must pay my lustful respects back to really cool peeps I have met out here in Blogland!

From Stephanie

From Crone and Bear It

I received a really nice blog award from a really cool, new bloggy friend at It All Comes Down To This…. Check her out, and she will make you giggle as she does me!

I had also received an award from another blog that never ceases to crack me up, Crone and Bear It , check her out too because she (or her dog) is sure to have you snickering!

Now, is the challege: The Rule ( I was never good at following rules, but I will do my best)

1.  List six things that inspire your creativity

2.  Pass the award on to 7 more kreativ bloggers

3.  Link back to the person who gave you the award

4.  Link to the people you are passing it on to and leave them a comment to let them know

Answers:

1. Hubby
2. My Pets
3. Sisters
4. Family
5. Friends—those I know and those I stalk in Blogs
6. I like to laugh

2. I hate picking and choosing awards (mostly because I don’t want anyone to feel left out) but I can definately tell you some of my favorites–in three words or less, and just because I don’t give you an award doesn’t mean I don’t lust after your blog….it’s just that I got tired of typing and I am lazy!

A Blog of Her Own —HYSTERICAL LADY

DarcKnyt —INSPIRING

For What It\’s Worth —FUNNY OLD FART

The PortlandPhile —MY TWIN WIFE

Confessions of a Young Married Couple —PISS PANTS FUNNY

Swimming In My Head…  —FUNNY BLOGGY BUD

I Can Grow People —FUNNY PREGO FRIEND

Here is your award…..you should return the favor to others to make them smile!

Your award

 

Well there you have it! Thanks Guys, you are my crack! Love ya!

Hubby’s Not so Lucky Day

The Closest image I could find in relation to the elusive Mountain Man....

Another day in the life of me and Hubby’s pre-bedtime conversations. Oh, to be a fly on our wall, right?

Me: Guess what? It is YOUR lucky day!

Hubby (looking a little scared): Why?

Me (proudly): I shaved my legs!

Hubby: MMMMM

Me: Oh, don’t worry your not THAT kinda lucky. Plus you still have that scruff going on.

Hubby: But I look SEXY.

Me: More like a Mountain Man.

Hubby: No, this is not Mountain Man, this is Wilderness Boy. Wilderness boy is just scruff…Mountain Man is full blown beard.

Me: OK, glad we have that straight now.

Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

A picture of me while making everyone clean the house on the weekends. And no I am not PMSing….I just want a clean house….is it too much to ask for?

But, once the house is clean, I transform back into this. AWWWW.

Warnings from Patches, the dog.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know you don’t take me seriously and you think I am crazy when I chase the cats and herd them from room to room. But, I do this for your own good. The other day I caught Boston on the computer and a few days later I uncovered some notes under Boston’s scratch pad. Mom, I think they are plotting something and just wanted you to be aware.

I love you.

Patches, the perfect dog.

Here is the site that Patches found. I thought I had better warn you readers out there (especially those with cats) because you might be in the same boat, and it is better off if you read it for yourself! The author really knows what he is talking about and I fear we may be in for an ambush!

http://www.catswhothrowupgrass.com/kill.php

Marriage: Keeping it Real

A few weeks ago I was staring at Hubby, as he was playing on the computer, watching a basketball game.

Me: What do you want to do? Do you want to play some Wii? Do you want to watch your game?

Hubby: Ummmm…

Me: Ok, you watch your game, I will go poo.

Hubby: You say that like it is an alternative thing to do, like reading a magazine. Just something you can do at any moment to entertain yourself.

Me: Yea, that is how it is for me. Lucky you.

Our Side of the Story

Dearest Mom and Dad,

We were offended by your recent belief that we were plotting to kill you. Let us remind you, that we have been with you longer than that stupid dog, who whines and tattles more than she guards the house. She is just a whiny tattle tale looking for attention.

I mean really, you think we would want to kill you? Our only food source? Are you guys crazy?

We thought you should know the truth. We have been on the computer occasionally, but the reason is not what that stupid mutt suggested (we have NO IDEA why that site was bookmarked, but we think Patches was setting us up). However, we were merely trying to pull our share in helping with the family finances. We came up with a great idea to make some money. We think you will be very pleased with this idea.

We have decided to sell Patches, just think how much money you will save in Busy Bones alone! We think we are genious and will soon create a business to assist other families in need.

We love you and are faithful 100%.

Love forever and always,

Your Angels Boston and Americus

To Have and To Hold…

Hubby is headed out of town this week to go to Texas to visit his parents and do some manual labor. I know he will miss me, but frankly, I am excited to spread out on the bed and watch whatever I WANT on TV. No snoring, no kicking, no farting disturbing my sleep. Ahhhh the excitement.

But, I will miss him despite all of the above (but don’t tell him this…I can’t have his head swelling up!) See, gotta keep it on the downlow, as you can tell from our conversation below:

Hubby: Come here, baby. Come sit with me. I’m going to miss you this week.

Me (giving the look): SILENCE

Hubby (scowls at me and then waits in anticipation)

Me (evil smile): Oh, was I supposed to say something? I am just excited to have the bed to myself!

My Crazy Sister

This weekend, my sister has started her own blog. She is already addicted to it and cannot stop checking her site for stats, comments and anything else that might float her boat. She is CRAZY, I tell you CRAZY. But, I guess we have already established this due to her addictions with facebook, getting attention driven to herself, and her crazy competitions that are all in her head.

She thinks she is really cool now. Personally, I am still doubtful of her real “coolness” I just think it is more about getting attention. It is just middle child syndrome, if you ask me.

Me: Are you STILL BLOGGING?

Sar: Yes, GO AWAY! I need SILENCE, I’m concentrating. This is the blog where I’m hysterical and it is my stepping stone into blog world and it’s where I am going to make all my fans!

My Hubby and Sar’s Hubby overhear this exchange.

Hubby (to Sar’s Hubby): Good luck, your wife has now started blogging. Be ready to have your every move critiqued and laughed at by the ENTIRE WORLD. BWWWaaaah haaaaa haaaaa

(Cue sinister music here)

Oh, yea, I guess you had better check her out and decide for yourself. See, what a great sister I am…shamelessly plugging my own crazy sister, to further her crazy addictions, and don’t forget to leave her a comment or two! Otherwise her every comment on my blog will be (I have the better blog or something like it).  Check her out at: Middlechildadvice\’s Blog

To obey or not? THAT is the question…

Well, Hubby is away in Texas this week, so I will not be able to have our exciting pre-bedtime conversations about SEXY scruff, getting old and the NOT IT rule.

Instead, I will try and get into trouble in other ways. Such as, avoiding his explicit instructions to not forget to put on Patches’ headcone everyday this week….hmmm we shall see……..but, she hates it people, she really hates it. If you don’t know what I am talking about, please see My Dog, the ConeHead

See those sad eyes. It is like she is a teenager in headgear!

So, tell me what do you think?

Where do Babies Come From?

(Note: The following conversation is, IN FACT, a real conversation. It really DID happen, and I did not make one bit of it up! I did, however, change the name to protect his identity…although he probably won’t talk to me after this anyway)!

Since Hubby is away this week, I will have to find other people to torment…and I can think of one person, in particular, that I have been meaning to torment via blog. One of my FAVORITE friends from WAAAAAYYYY back. For the purpose of this blog, let’s call him Hacim. Hacim and I went to highschool together and have known each other for a VERY long time. (I think he would say we have known each other too long). I consider him one of my best friends, although he would proably say he doesn’ t think of me that way, but it is just a cover. He would be quite sad without me. Isn’t that right, Hacim?

Well, when we were in college Hacim, myself, and my roomates had a VERY interesting conversation one night. It went something like this. (FYI–My memory is very accurate when it comes to this and I think you will see why). 

Me: Hey, Hacim do you know where babies come from? (He didn’t take Advanced Bio 3-4 like the rest of us smarty pants, so I thought I would make fun of him—hey I used to be smart!)

Hacim: Of course, I do. They come from a boy and a girl when they do stuff together.

My Roomate: Oh yea, but where do they come out?

Hacim: Well, the girl grows another hole somewhere down there (pointing down).

Me and Roomie (trying to contain our laughter, but failing MISERABLY): What do you mean…”grows another hole?”

Hacim (clearly getting angry): Well, HOW should I know, I am not a girl. They just grow another hole and the baby pops out, right!?

Me and Roomies burst into a fit of giggles.

Fast forward 12 years later:

Me (sing song like–in front of his new girl): Hey Hacim, WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?

Hacim: Shut the eff up!

His Girl: What is this story?

Me: I can fill you in, see it all happened one day in college….

Hacim(rolling eyes): Shut up!

I don’t think he will EVER, EVER live this down. EVER. Gotta love memories, right Hacim?

I have a problem…

Unlike others of you out there that stalk blogs and don’t leave comments, I LOVE leaving comments. I WANT people to know I have been there. I think it is because it is like a dog marking its’ territory. (Ok, maybe not exactly like that). But, I like people to know I have been to their site, plus I think (sometimes) I can offer jewels of wisdom. No, really, sometimes I AM smart, right Mom?

 I love reading the various blogs out there and commenting all over the place and until recently, I didn’t realize this addiction. But, I think I am finally coming to terms with it. I.AM.A.COMMENT.WHORE.

There, I said it. See, I feel better getting it off my chest.

I just can’t help myself. I love them! The short ones, the long ones, I love reading them and leaving them. Capital ones, lowercase ones, nice ones, mean ones…I love them all! So, my question is, is there help out there for me?

Comment Whore Anonymous, or something?

Disturbia

Hubby calls me this morning to check in.

Hubby: Did you put on Patches headcone?

Me: No

Hubby: WHY NOT?

Me: Rae is gonna…..when she leaves. It is her job to be the bad Aunt.

Hubby: I’m watching you…..the cameras are rolling. You better behave yourself.

Me: Does that mean my boyfriends can’t come over tonight?

The Good Girl

Dear Hubby,

I have been such a good girl while you have been gone. I have done the dishes every night, although I guess that is easy when you eat cereal every night. I have not burned down the house. I have not thrown my computer on the floor when it froze up three times tonight ( I did pound on the keys a few times though, so it knew I was mad). I have even done some laundry. I have remembered to spray Patches’ foot with her medicine (now putting on the cone is another story). And most importantly, I only had a few boyfriends over, although when they wanted to play doctor, I said no. So, as you can tell, I am staying out of trouble. No need to worry.

PS. However, when you do come back ….good luck reclaiming your side of the bed. I sleep in the middle now, with Boston on one side and Patches on the other.

Love,

Your Favorite Wifey

Emails from my sister…

Sister: Why have you been writing so many blogs? Are you trying to outdo me?

Me: Cause I have been bored. Blogging is not a competition.

Sister: Yes it is.

Me: SIGH

Love is patient…

The daily check in from the Hubby.

Me: How’s it going?

Hubby: My arm is about to fall off from scraping off the popcorn ceilings.

Me: That is sad; you will look funny with only one arm.

Hubby: Won’t you still love me? I would still love you with only one arm.

Me: Well, no. I wouldn’t, but that is the difference between me and you.

My Crazy, Insane Sister Strikes Again

So, today I went to lunch at my favorite place, Jersey Mike’s (see Jersey Mike’s), with my sister and her funny friend Emily (name change courtesy of my sister) from work. We had a great time, that is until my sister started lamenting her fate. She can be a real debbie downer when everything is not all about her, as I am sure you can imagine. Here is what happened:

Me: So, I wrote another blog today.

Sar: EH, I am so over blogging. My friend Karen read my blogs and said they stank and weren’t funny. So, I just might kill my blog, since no one loves me and my stats have gone waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy down. (deep sigh)

Me: OMG Rae said you wouldn’t last.

Emily: Yea, I read your blog. It is kinda funny.

Sar: If people aren’t talking about it and DON”T love me, then I am NOT DOING IT ANYMORE.

Me: You are so ridiculous.

Sar: I want people to love me. I am AMAZING.

Emily (rolls eyes): There goes the competition again…..middle child syndrome.

Sar: My blog is NOT good enough….sigh.

Emily: I am going to write a blog about YOUR blog.

Me: OMG you guys are soooo funny.

Well, folks, Emily did it. AND she is AWESOME. She feeds right into Sar’s crazy, middle child mind. Check her and my sister out at the following address. It is best if you read them in tandem.

Happy laughing. How amazing of a blog promoter am I? Gotta love family!

Sister: Middlechildadvice\’s Blog

Emily: Liketotallyawesome\’s Blog

Free Sister

The baby sis has been feeling left out for lack of blog incorporation time. I guess everyone wants their 1 minute of fame. Well, here goes.

FOR SALE:

One lazy sister, who doesn’t put her dishes in the dishwasher. She also doesn’t do what I say. Maybe you can train her, but she is obstinate and crabby. I do not know where she gets this from being that I am an amazing, giving sister. She will occasionally clean if you go all Miss Hannigan on her. Sometimes. She mostly hides in her room and reads or sometimes you can catch her on Myspace. If she sounds like something you can use, and you always wanted a sister, today is your lucky day. If you call today, I will throw in a free t-shirt.

All offers accepted. She is free to a good home. No questions asked.

Call 1-800-Fresis

What do you think?

Hubby is still away….so no tormenting him. Hacim was so popular that I will tell you a bit more about him.

Over the summer, as Hubby and I were moving from the East Coast, we stopped and spent a few days with Hacim and his girl. It was great to hang out with them and we had some very funny conversations. One of them being the topic of marriage. Hacim and his girl have been together for awhile now (and I think they are a good match), and just to get under his skin I brought it up. In my defense though, he brings up the baby topic. Which is yucky to me. I like kids, but the thought of having one come out and stretch out my you know what doesn’t appeal to me. (Ok, judge away). Plus I am not a baby fan. I like to hang out and give them back. That is it. So, basically we know how to thoroughly annoy each other.

However, this time when we were talking about marriage he acutally wanted to talk about it.

Hacim: I found the perfect ring for when I get married.

His girl (rolling her eyes): WAIT til you see what he wants.

Me: I am excited! Show me.

His girl: GUESS where he found this “supposed ring” he wants!?

Me: Where?

Hacim: THE SKY MALL magazine!

His girl: ugh.

So we then go online and he shows me the ring of his dreams. It is funny, usually it is the girl that is excited for the jewelry, right? But, as Hacim showed me the picture, his eyes lit up with excitement, joy, and adoration.

Here it is:

Me: OMG this is hilarious. When you were saying you wanted a Batman ring, I was thinking a decoder ring. You know you point it at the wall and then a big B is on the wall.

I never laughed so hard…..but now I kind of like it.

So, what do you all think? Could this pass for a wedding ring?

The Tear in Time (AKA Groundhog Day)

So, Friday morning was the worst.morning.ever. Here’s what happened.

Thursday night my sisters and I hung out. It was a fun night, however Rae was supposed to go with Sar to pick up some pizza and movies, but instead she made me go. This started the downward spiral in events.

Sar: Where’s your keys? You need to lock the front door.

Me: No I don’t; Rae is there.

Sar: GO GET YOUR KEYS AND LOCK THE DOOR!

Me: EH, fine. (Got the keys, locked the door)

Once we got back to the house, I had Sar grab my keys and unlock the front door, since my hands were clearly full with pizza and movies. And that was the end of a fun night of pizza and hanging out.

Now, fastforward Friday morning at aproximately 6:30 am.

I am almost out the door headed to work. Saying bye to the pets, and grabbing the keys. WAIT! WHERE ARE MY KEYS? Panic sets in. Then I remember Sar had them last, so I call her thinking she must have put them somewhere in the house. SOMEWHERE.

I call Sar. NO ANSWER. Great.

I call again. This time she answers.

Me: WHERE ARE MY KEYS.

Sar: How should I know what you do with your keys?

Me: Because you had them last! Remember you used them to open the door last night?!

Sar: Oh yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. Hmmm I am driving, but they “might” be in my purse.

Me: OH MY GOSH. Well you need to come back here then.

Sar: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I am halfway to work. (she works really far away)

Me: I have no choice. I could take Hubby’s car, but I still need all my work stuff and gate pass that is in MY car that is locked in the garage. OMG, I CANNOT believe you stole my keys!

So, after much bickering back and forth, she drives back and gives me my keys. Two hours later she is still driving to work…..texting me, telling me she hates me. But, WHO was the stupid one that put MY keys in her purse?

And after placing much blame on each other for the rest of the day, we discovered that ultimately it was Rae’s fault for not going with Sar in the first place. Because of that one decision, on Rae’s part, it caused a “tear in the universe” according to Sar, setting everything to be out of order and ass backwards for the rest of the day. Much like the movie Groundhog Day.

Moral of Story: Don’t ever let Sar near your keys. EVER. Or it could result in a tear in your universe ,as you know it, and you might end up  forever stuck in Groundhog Day.

Who Knew?

But, I really miss the Hubby!

I tried cooking dinner tonight: tacos. They were remotely successful, but I had no idea how much work it is to cook! Plus, there is no one here to torment and Rae is not nearly fun enough to boss around, plus half the time she doesn’t listen.

Hubby, I miss you. Please come home soon (with both your arms, please) and cook me dinners again. Plus, the NOT IT rule (The Rules) is no fun by myself because I never win!

Sad day.

I want a….

Blueberry!

At dinner this past weekend, my sisters and I were talking about cell phones with our dad. I was mentioning how I cannot wait until my contract is up in June because I am quitting Sprint. I hate them.

Me: I am switching to AT&T in June! WOO HOO. I am sick of evil Sprint.

Dad: Are you getting an iphone?

Sar(blurting out): I want a BLUEBERRY!

Me: You mean a blackberry, crazy!

Sar: Eh, whatever…

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder…

Dear Hubby,

I am so excited for you to come home tomorrow. I have missed you so! The NOT IT rule is no fun when you are not here to scream it to. You are therefore, banned from leaving me alone from here on! Here are the things I won’t miss:

*Feeding the pets in the morning (they are evil)

*No one to talk too, besides the pets (all they care about is food…after that, they want nothing to do with me)

*Taking the trash out (that is a boy’s job)

*Making dinners (let’s just face it, I suck)

*Having no one to boss around (Rae doesn’t listen….EVER)

*Sharing the bed with the pets (they are bed hogs, especially Patches)

*Having to clean up cat vomit myself, rather than calling NOT IT (NOT FUN)

*Lack of bedtime conversations where I make fun of you (leaves a void)

*Your advice, even though I never listen (in my defense, I am deaf sometimes)

*And mostly, no one to kiss me goodnight and tell me they love me (even when I am mean and don’t deserve it)

I promise not to take you for granted anymore…ok, well maybe not for one week…gotta have realistic goals here!

Love, Wifey

Mondays…

I NEED this tee-shirt! It is so fitting. What do you think?

What Makes a Marriage Work?

This morning I was listening to my sister’s brother-in-law, Mike, on his morning radio show (does that make him my honorary bro in law, since I torture him mercilessly?) at his radio station (check ‘em out they play great music and the morning conversations are amusing), QMFM: http://www.qmfm.com/terryandtara.php?p=terrytara.htm

(sure another shameless plug, but he put my check in the mail, right Mike?)

 

It got me thinking (and that doesn’t happen all the time J). The topic was on marriage and how to make it work, and I am no expert in this area– by any means, but I do have some key things that I think work for Hubby and I, which I thought I would share with you all:

 

1.      Laughter– at yourself and each other. (For all the times I make fun of Hubby, I think it is important to realize that no one is perfect and by being able to laugh at each other, it can only bring you closer)

 

2.      Talk through your problems…or yell through them (Don’t hold stuff inside because you will just end up hurting yourself and each other)

 

3.      Develop rules (AKA the NOT IT rule…..sure, we might laugh about this….but NOT IT keeps the playful spirit alive, The Rules)

 

4.      Remember at the end of the day, no matter how hard or bad it was….that you still have each other ( I know, awwww)

 

5.      Be adventurous and take risks (what have you got to lose?)

 

6.      Be real with each other (one thing I can always depend on Hubby for is his ability to tell it like it is)

 

7.      Remember that marriage is work (it doesn’t take luck to make it work, but real hard work…you have to be involved and willing to try, but that is what makes it more fulfilling)!

 

8.      Don’t try and change each other (Hubby will never change me, no matter how much he tries to get me to cook or clean—but, I think that is part of my charm—and even though I complain about him, I wouldn’t change a thing!)

 

9.      It is no longer about me only, but us (yea, I am still working on this one….but Hubby reminds me that things are “ours”)

 

10.  Be patient (also not a strongpoint for me, but hey I couldn’t have gotten where I am today without him!)

 

Well, these are my own tidbits I have learned, and while I am by no means perfect (I like to think I am), I do realize when I have a good thing…..and I couldn’t live without Hubby! I need him, and I think he needs me to make him laugh at himself and realize life couldn’t be better with anyone else…good times and bad, right Hubby?

Love and Marriage…

There’s No Place Like Home, right? RIGHT?

After all these NICE LOVE blogs I did for Hubby, THIS is the thanks I get. People, you have no idea what I put up with!

Texting

Me (he called earlier): Sorry been in meetings all day, hope you are having fun flying. Excited to have you home.

Hubby: Boarding for Cancun now…

NOTE: (That is NOT where we live….)

Me: I hate you!

The Squirty Squirts

We went out to Outback last night and it was soooo yummy! While looking at the menu, we had some interesting conversations, thanks to me! Hey, I like to keep things lively.

Dad: Do you like lobster?

Me: No, and I HAVE tried it more than once while we lived in Connecticut and it just didn’t agree with me.

Dad: That is so weird, lobster on the east coast is like steak to the west coast.

Me: Well, lobster gives me the squirts. If I have it, I am glued to the toilet for hours and hours and hours….

Rae: EWWWWWWWWWW

Hubby: This is great conversation, right before dinner. I KNEW I missed you. NOT.

Replication Theory

A couple of summers ago, Steven Spielberg did a reality show called, On the Lot. It was about wanna be filmakers who wanted to make it big. The winner would get to work with Spielberg. My cousin, Hubby and I watched it religiously. I don’t know why they stopped making this show, but I thought it was amazing.

This video was my favorite and I thought I would share it with you all because this is so TRUE!

Check it out:

The “B” Word

Ok, so I have another confession: I dislike babies.

I don’t understand them and I don’t like them. I recently found my long, lost twin sister in blog land, (ok she isn’t my real twin sister, but it seems like IF I met her, she and I would hit it off immediately) her recent blog:  baby talk (conversations with my mother). sums up my feelings on this topic EXACTLY.

It isn’t that I HATE them, it is just that I don’t understand them and everyone’s obsession with it being “my turn.” NO PEOPLE. I do not want to spawn offspring. I know they will be of the devil. I was a demon child, and I know that if I were to have a child, mine would be a thousand times as horrid as I was. No.thank.you. I don’t mind kids once they are 5-6 years old because at least then they can tell you what they want, and they go to school, but babies, all they do is eat, sleep and poop and quite frankly that is my sole ambition in life, so the competion in itself would kill me.

And who needs that kind of competition anyways? Not me.

Job Freak Outs…

So, as the economy and layoffs are getting worse and worse, I keep holding on to the fact that I can bypass this, somehow. However, now we are finding out that the place where I work will be experiencing a mandatory two week break without pay for everyone that works here. Now, I am starting to freak out. I know I am fortunate in the fact that I will still have a job, but it is just hard to keep perspective right now. I like to think I am usually a glass half full type of person….but in the meantime, the voices in my head (yea, I can’t help it) are making me freak out even more.

So, guess we shall see what happens. I think I just can’t believe that the last three years we barely survived grad school and now we are back to being in the grad school mentality. Guess it is time to start re-evaluating needs versus wants. Ugh. I hate being pessimistic. I just want to hide under my covers and not come out til everything is better. I think that might be my next plan…..well, guess I can do that on my mandatory days off now…..

Fairytale Endings (AWWW)

As Taylor Swift has said in her songs, “I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale.” Yea, that sums up my life. Despite my wishes for these things, life is not all roses and champagne. (Too bad, right?)

I don’t know about you, but somedays I wonder why I am not living in a fairytale. But, then I realize I probably am and just don’t realize it. So, in no particular order, I am listing the reasons I love the Hubby because even though I whine and complain about life, he really is my prince:

·         He draws me warm baths, with my favorite magazines and champagne on really hard days. I can’t explain why this soothes me, but it does. Someday I will have my own Jacuzzi bathtub

·         He listens to me when I am crazy about cleaning the house. Because cleaning the house to me equals serenity. (And I can be really crazy about cleaning)

·         He likes to cuddle in bed. Even though I put my cold feet on him.

·         He makes me dinners. I would eat cereal day in and day out if he didn’t cook for me, which would get quite boring.

·         His ability to be my rock when times get tough.

·         His ability to make me laugh and smile.

·         He will get up and get me a water…even if he is already in bed.

·         His ability to love me even when I think I don’t deserve it.

There are probably a ton more reasons I could think of….but then his head will swell up and he will think he is the most AMAZING husband ever (and yea he probably is) but, if I told him that he would never let me live it down. So, shhhhh don’t tell him I said that.

True Story…

Not so hard decisions…

This is SO me! Hubby asks me all the time who I love more and my answer is always: Boston, the cat! I can’t live without him!

Exercise 101

Me (as we are getting into bed): Did you do your push ups?

Hubby: eh, no.

Me: Do them!

Hubby (getting out of bed): Yea, I know. I am trying to look hot for you.

Me: Three push ups a night aren’t gonna cut it!

Hubby: That is why I do four!

The Not so fun wake up routine….

This was my cat this morning. He is now not my best friend anymore. Sad story.

Bombs away…

So, yesterday we met up with my aunt, who was visiting for a work conference. We had a great time, we sat by the pool, had a few drinks and chatted. The resort she was staying at was gorgeous and had all kinds of wildlife. Bunnies, ducks, birds…and they were all adorable. So, as we were all sitting there chatting away we hear this big noise, and before we know it we are surrounded in green poo. My Aunt got the brunt of it and I go a little on my hand. So much for enjoying the wildlife, eh?

All of the sudden those ducks and birds didn’t look so cute anymore…

Worst Case Scenario…

During the visit with our Aunt we asked how our cousins were doing. If you can recall, these cousins are HILARIOUS.  One of their previous conversations consisted of this: Kids say the funniest things… ! So you can imagine my excitement to hear how they were doing.

My Aunt said she called to check on how the kids were doing. Apparently, Cousin Brother wasn’t feeling so good and had recently just finished reading the Twilight series….

Aunt: How are you doing?

Cousin Brother: Not so great. I feel awful.

Aunt: What do you think is wrong?

Cousin Brother: Well, I am concerned actually because I fear the worst.

Aunt: What do you mean?

Cousin Brother: Well, I hate the light and the sun hurts my eyes. I have to stay in the dark.

Aunt: Hmmmm

Cousin Brother: I fear I may be turning into a vampire!

Whispering Sweet Nothings…

Hubby and I are cuddling in bed over the weekend, watching television.

Hubby: I love you, you are so cute.

Me (in his face): BURP!

Hubby(a little sarcastic): You are still so cute….

Me: I know!

Reasons I hate Mondays

1.      I am so busy thinking of reasons to call in sick, I forgot my lunch.

2.      Can’t sleep in

3.      Time to go back to work and the people you can’t stand to see all week are in your face.

4.      There are 4 more days  before I can sleep in again

5.      Monday meetings….my brain is barely functioning

6.      Mondays equal the worst traffic days…it’s like everyone and their mother is on the road on purpose, going under the speed limit or braking every 2 seconds for nothing

7.      It is the longest day of the week….I swear I have already checked the time 10 times and I think it has barely moved 5 minutes

8.      Happy morning people…enough said

9.      Catching up on my email

10.  Working

Monday Mournings…

CoWorker: I’ve noticed you wearing a lot of black lately.

Me: Yea, I’m mourning my life.

Then later in the elevator

Person: What is that you are eating for lunch? Ramen?

Me: Yup, it is hard times.

Person: EWWWW that is gross. I haven’t eaten that since college.

Me (thinking to self): I KNEW I should have stayed in bed today and not come to work.

Help!

Like Mother, Like Doggy Daughter

Let me paint a picture for you. This morning, I decided to take a personal day from work….I just need it! Mostly because of this:

The thought of missing some free food, just doesn’t work for me. Plus, it doesn’t help that my nose is all stuffed up and my head hurts….hopefully that part will go away once I eat.

So, here I am sleeping in….Hubby is sleeping on his side, facing the other direction, when Patches comes running into our room, stares Hubby in the face and BURPS right in his face. And it was loud!

Hubby: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww

Me: THAT was awesome! That’s my girl!

Burp Queen

The Best Day Off

Well, first I slept in. Which was AWESOME.

Then we got up, and went to Denny’s to have our free Grand Slam. MMMMMMMMMMMMM yummy! Then it was catching up on the DVR (watched Chuck in 3D, but was disappointed in the lack of 3D) and taking naps….I need more days like this.

Me: I want to stay home all the time!

Hubby: You can’t! You have to work!

Me: Eh….I would much rather stay under the covers, watch tv, and eat Grand Slams for breakfast everyday!

Lucky Charms

Lately, I have not been that lucky and typically I am not one to believe in “magical thinking” so to speak, but I could use some right about now. According to my horoscope: “If you’re tempted to run away from your responsibilities, remember that your real job is to improve your current life, not plan your escape” I usually just read them and laugh…..but in this case, it could be true because I WAS plotting my escape. How did THEY know? 

What next? Usually the horoscopes say something like you will become rich and famous, or you will meet a handsome stranger (that’s what it says in Cosmo—sorry Hubby), and you will go on a trip in the near future. But the handsome stranger hasn’t popped up, no trips are on my horizon AND I am NOT rich and famous—yet. Knock on Wood.

So I am thinking magical thinking is not working for me (where’s Harry Potter when you need him?)…unless it is because I haven’t eaten my Lucky Charms lately, which clearly, could be the case—I better go buy some cause they are “magically” delicious and might be just what I need!

Dirty Girl

Hubby: You should take a shower.

Me: Eh, I am too lazy.

Hubby: I am cleaner than you, I took a shower today.

Me: So, I took a shower last night.

Hubby: That was 1 day ago.

Me: So, tomorrow I am going to be dirty girl.

Hubby: Ewwwww. Stinky.

Consumed by the Crazies…

They are after me!

 

I have a serious problem; I’ve decided that crazy people are stalking me! I can’t get away from them. I think that they are a necessary part of my life, unavoidable, yet there…just like speeding tickets, traffic, and long lines at the grocery store. These are not your typical “types” of crazy people that belong in the loony bin, but the kinds that are supposed to be educated, fully functional people that are just irrational and clueless.

Help me! Please? (stop smiling!)

Don’t get me wrong, I know we all have a degree of crazy in us (myself included) but SUPER CRAZY…that is what I tend to run into….you know the kind….the ones that are just cuckoo for cocoa puffs!

I guess the reason I meet so many is to build character, right? But, how many “character building” characters do I REALLY need to learn from?! Honestly, I think I have already met my quota for the year and 2009 has barely got off of its’ feet! I think I am in for a LONG year, already.

The only conclusion I can come up with is that I have the KRZY vibe and so the crazies flock to me. The question is: how do I get rid of it? I must emit some type of odor, maybe like catnip where they just flock to me! I mean, really people, REAL.LY.

The types of crazy people that I run into who are “cuckoo for cocoa puffs” are of all ages. But, I especially run into the types who you think would or should know better. YOU.WOULD.THINK. I guess what I cannot get over is how very exhausting the crazies are. They make me questions myself: Is it me or is it you? Am I the Crazy one, or is it you? Did she just say that, or am I imagining it? WHAT? SERIOUSLY?!

 I will continue to try and take the high road, but the detours look so appealing…..don’t they? Maybe you had better just commit me, than the crazies won’t be able to find me, right? RIGHT?!

Anyone….

Life…

Finally…

No Game…

Hubby and I were talking over lunch today and I was saying how this week when he works for the ballet, he had better not pick up any new dancer girlfriends. You gotta appreciate marriage right?

Hubby: Yea, I always loved dancers….they are so flexible and watching them jump around putting in a mylar dance floor was always awesome!

Me: Hubby! Seriously, you have NO GAME. I mean IF I were a boy, I would have said watching dancers bend over or stretch, you know THAT is hot….not watching them do manual labor. And as your friend, not your wife, I am telling you: You have lost your game.

Hubby: Well, I don’t need any game anymore. I mean, I already have you.

Me: Yea, right, but someday when I am dead, you will have to get a new girl. So you NEED game. Plus it makes you feel good!

Hubby: Yea, true; well I still get checked out all the time. I just need to shave my wilderness boy scruff.

More on the NOT IT front…

The cats are out front eating grass, getting some outside time, while Hubby and I sit and watch.

Me: Uh OH!

Hubby: What?

Me: Both cats are nibbling on the grass out front.

Me and Hubby (in unison): NOT IT

Hubby: You can’t call NOT IT before there is a noise or a present on the ground.

Me: Can too and YOU DID. Did you find that present earlier this week, that I left for you? You were asleep, I didn’t want to wake you by screaming NOT IT.

Hubby (incredulous): You SAW it and LEFT it?

Definitately NOT Mr. and Mrs. Smith

I am laying on the floor, when Hubby comes and tries to steamroll me.

Me: AHHHH I can’t breathe. Why are you trying to kill me?

Hubby: Cause you tried to kill me earlier.

Me: True, I wish I had succeeded.

The Real Truth

This may come as a shock to most of you, since I am so amazing in so many other ways: witty, humourous, sarcastic, and amazingly intelligent. Well, the list goes on. But, I must confess.

I cannot blow my nose. (There I said it…stop being a Judgey Judgerson!)

Since the time I was a little girl, I have been unable to do this simple task. MANY have tried to teach me, and failed miserably. My nose will actually run, and I have one of two choices:

1. Put a wad of tissues up my nose, so the snot doesn’t drizzle down my shirt (or)

2. Sniffle the snot back into my throat, so I can hock it up later (I know, attractive, right?)

Everyone I tell this to looks at me like I am completely NUTS, so I have to ask…..is there anyone else out there, like me, who is unable to blow their nose? Please people, I cannot be the only weirdo out here, right?

My plan to rule the world…

Fail!

Well, the Hubby is working late all week. Which means: cereal for dinner.

However in attempts to broaden my palate, I attempted to make a pasta dish mixed in with spinich (well, it sounded good) as a side with Tilapia.

FAIL.

It tastes like crap! How can I fail at pasta? But, I did. Have you ever tasted rubber noodles? So, I try and spice it up with seasonings.

FAIL.

Still tastes like crap.

I would take a picture, but I think it will scare you (for reals), so instead, I will attempt to put it in Hubby’s lunch tomorrow to see if he notices my attempt at failed pasta. Hopefully, he doesn’t read my blog before he eats his lunch!

Oh well, at least I know a good failure when I taste it! Pouring the milk over my cereal as I type.

MMMM Cereal.

UPDATE:

The attempt to put above failed pasta in Hubby’s lunch was declared null and void when even the dog would not touch my rubber pasta. So, Dearest Hubby, if you are reading…no worries, there will be no pasta surprise in your lunch…thanks to Patches’ upturned nose and my feelings of guilt.

Marriage Myths DEBUNKED

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought I would submit this post. Just keeping it real!

 

Myth #1: When you get married, you wear lingerie to bed every night.

ANSWER: FICTION- Mostly you wear your old, torn up tee-shirts, ratty shorts and your granny panties.

Myth #2: When you are married, you moisturize and shave your legs every night.

ANSWER: HA HA, do I really need to answer this? FICTION

Myth #3: You fall asleep in each other’s arms every night.

ANSWER: DEPENDS-on if you want to be hit in the middle of the night…Hubby is a bit of a hitter in his sleep.

Myth #4: The wifey presses, folds, and irons the Hubby’s clothes every night before bed.

ANSWER: FICTION-unless you want your clothes burned.

Myth#5: Married life is all flowers, white picket fences, and fancy dinners.

ANSWER: DEPENDS-At times it is, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of money! Neither of which we have accomplished as of yet.

Myth#6: Marry your best friend.

ANSWER: FACT-However, you don’t have to be BFF’s all the time, but be willing to be there for each other–that’s what counts!

Myth#7: Hubbys’ will pretend they hate it, but they really do like The Hills, The Bachelor, Ghost Whisperer and other girlie shows/chick flicks.

ANSWER: FACT-However, they will deny it and just feign that they want to spend time with you, when in fact they ARE interested in anything chick like, but would rather die than admit it.

Myth#8: Hubbys’ require ”man caves” (AKA-basement or garage) to feel more “manly”

ANSWER: FACT-They need to do this to recover from things that are girlie (tv shows and such) and bang around on their tools….somehow, it does make them feel more manly….don’t know why.

Myth#9: If you are married and the wife, you should prance around in the kitchen in nothing but your heels and apron, while making your Hubby dinner.

ANSWER: FICTION-Hi, have you MET me? Obviously, this was a freebie.

Myth#10: When you get married, you have long nights of passion and romance.

ANSWER: This can only be explaned via the following conversation:

Hubby: Hey baby!

Me: MMM I am sleepy.

Hubby: But you just showered and shaved your legs….

Me: I am saving it for marriage…

Hubby: You ARE married..to me!

Me: The sheets are clean….

Work Cutbacks

I got this forwarded to me today, and couldn’t help but laugh. During these fun times, I am sure you all can relate this to your working environment in some form or another.

Management Cutbacks

Please note that as this is going to be a “tight” year, Management has decided that we should do all we can to reduce cost and improve productivity. Would appreciate it if all of us could adhere to the guidelines with immediate effect. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sickness
No excuse. The company will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof. If you are able to go to a doctor, you are able to attend work.

Death (Your own)
This will be accepted as an excuse. We would like two weeks notice since we feel that it is your duty to train someone else for your job.

Death (Other than your own)
This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and henceforth no time will be allowed for funerals. However, in case of hardships, the Company has special scheme, in conjunction with the local cemetery for lunch-time burials thus ensuring that no time is lost from work.

Leave of absence for an operation
Henceforth, no time off will be allowed for an operation. The company believes that as long as you are an employee, you will need all of whatever you already have and will not consider having any of it removed. We have engaged you for a particular job, with all of your parts, and to have anything removed would mean that the Company is getting less than it contracted for.

Visits to the toilet
Far too much time on this particular practise. In future, all staff will go in alphabetical order. All surnames beginning with ‘A’ will go from 9.45 to 10.00. Those beginning with ‘B’ will go from 10.05 to 10.15 and so on. Anyone unable to attend at this appropriate time will have to wait until the following day for their turn to come around.

America’s Next Top Blogger

A friend (GB–can you figure out what that stands for girlie b…) recently told me I have a real knack for vomiting my thoughts onto my blog. However, I must pose the question then: What else is the point of a blog, right?

GB: You vomit everything that goes through your mind onto your blog.

Me: I do? Yea, so…..

GB: Do you think that people are really interested?

Me: Yea, totally, I have a fan base out there I need to maintain.

GB: Out there in blog land?

Me: Yea, and if I missed one day, I might throw a reader’s ENTIRE day out of whack. I just couldn’t let them down like that! Plus, I have the unique ability to blog about anything. Call it talent, call it vomiting thoughts, or call it skill. You name it; I can do a blog about it. THAT is how talented I am!

So, how about it, dear readers, care to take my challenge? We can call this challenge America’s Next Top Blogger.

Challenge: To everyone that comments on this post with a topic, I will do a post about it–and the most popular/creative topic, with the most comments/votes wins, so you can observe my AMAZING abilities firsthand or judge it as upchuck. Your call.

Directions: Vote as amazing abilities or upchuck in the comments section, based of the topic provided by the reader. Topic with the most comments/votes wins.

Winner: Will be awarded the award of America’s Next Top Blogger: will get a whole post about their blog, with a link to their blog and must pass on the tradition of America’s Next Top Blogger–to encourage bloggers everywhere that THEY ARE INTERESTING AND THEY CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

(Please keep it clean, my Mom reads this blog)

Evil Dynamic Duos and Dinner

mmmm Arbys!

Dear Hubby,

Since you are not here to feed me, I must fend for myself (scary thought). We are running out of cereal, so there are not a lot of choices. After last nights’ pasta fiasco, I wasn’t even about to attempt making dinner. So, I stopped at Arby’s on the way home. Nothing like a roast beef sandwich to end off the day and the pets couldn’t have agreed more with this. 

MMM give me that Arbys! Or I will eat you!

Here are your evil fur children, accosting me throughout the whole dinner, and at one point I thought Boston might maim me for my roast beef sandwich. I think it is time for a pub style table ASAP! 

I am so cute...GIVE me your Arbys!

HEY! I am right HERE! Hand over the roast beef.

So, being the amazing mother I am: I gave some roast beef to the evil dynamic duo in fear of my life. And then Boston almost ate my finger off.

MUST EAT ROAST BEEF...MUST EAT ROAST BEEF...

Do YOU think like a serial Killer?

Yea, so I am obviously bored tonight and didn’t mess up any dinner, so the clean up session didn’t take that long. Thus have to rely on the good ol’ blog to entertain myself.

When I was in grad school I had to write a paper and come up with an ice breaker of sorts. I don’t really remember what the paper was about, but I DO remember my ice breaker. I got it from a friend who had taken a psychology class. It was a real psychological test that they used on serial killers. So, let’s see, how many of you should be locked up….put your answer in the comments and I will post the answer at some point tomorrow! (Nothing like a little tease)

TEST

This is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her mother, she met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, maybe even her dream guy. She fell in love with him there but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question:
What is her motive in killing her sister?

Serial Killer Test: The Answer

Ok, you can stop holding your breath now. I will tell you the answer. I am sure many of you might have guessed the answer correctly…I did!

And judging from some of your answers, you guys are seriously crazy! But, creative, so I have to give you props.

(Drum Roll)

Answer:

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you didn’t answer correctly – good for you..

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can avoid you at all costs…unless that will tick you off, then I’ll just be extra nice to you from now on….

Back away from my blog slowly…and no one has to get hurt….

Really, Sports Illustrated, Really?

My blogger friend at A Round World Through Square Glasses , wrote the following post What The Heck…Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover? that made me laugh so loud at work today (yea, I was taking a “break”) that people looked at me like I was crazy.  I guess I now understand the male take on marketing for men ….maybe.

So, after reading his take on this, I decided that I must respond, but by giving the female perspective. Cause everyone knows girls are always right!

WIFE READER: Are you serious? That girl is basically taking off her swimsuit for the whole world to see. What a hooker. I had better stop eating for the next year, so I can look that good. I bet she was airbrushed anyways….she doesn’t REALLY look that good in real life!  I mean really, husband, when will you wake up and realize NOTHING is that good in real life. I mean sure she is tan, sculpted, implanted in all the right areas, and shows no signs of wrinkles, cellulite, or hairy legs but that is because she has a HUGE posse of people to take care of her with loads of money to make her look perfect. It just isn’t real. IT.IS.AN.ILLUSION. And if it IS real, send over that huge posse and bank account to me, so I can look that good too! And you wonder, Husband, why I go to bed in my ripped tee shirts and granny panties, I don’t want to set any unrealistic dreams or goals for you. And besides IF I did look that good with a posse to tote around, do you think I would be here right now?

 (brushing of donut crumbs while skimming the mag): Hey! This magazine isn’t half bad…

*sigh* oh to be young and hot again…..

Keeping the Spark Alive

This is SO me. Poor, poor Hubby! Actually, poor, poor anyone who likes to hang out with me!

Texting is Killing my Marriage…

Well, almost. I mean I do have a flair for the dramatic, just a little.

 I do admit that I have  a lot of crazy traits–obsessive deleting, inability to cook pasta, screaming NOT IT in the middle of conversations with the Hubby, deafness (only when I hear something I don’t want to do), and I suppose I am a bit quirky. BUT these are all things Hubby loves about me…right Hubby?

But, I just CAN’T.STOP.TEXTING. I admit it. I am obsessed.Rather than pick up the phone (EVER) I just text. Everyone, everwhere, all the time. This is where we get into the “ruining my marriage” part. The BILL. Not pretty people, not pretty AT ALL.

Me (trying to hide the Sprint bill, miserably failing)

Hubby: What have you got there?

Me: Hmmm you aren’t going to like it. My cell bill.

Hubby: How much did you go over THIS time? I mean you HAVE 1000 texts! I have 200 and I never go over!

Me (in true addict form): I know, but it isn’t enough, it is just NOT ENOUGH…really; I promise not to do it next time (all lies, mind you)

Hubby (sighing heavily): Do you have to text so much? Why don’t you just call people?

Me: Because I HATE talking to people. Texting is in and out… I don’t have to talk and if I am bored…I can just stop texting. You should blame my cousin for teaching me!

Hubby (exasperated): BUT, you always text back; it is like you ALWAYS have to have the last word!

Me (still in denial): They must have messed it up somewhere….right? I know…I know…..it is a serious problem! Do you think they have a Texter’s Anonymous?

Me (inspired by genius): I know! We should just pitch a “texting only” plan to the cell company….do you think they would go for it? That is what I need!

Thanks, Mom

My mom sent me an email today, since she is a reader of my blog, she remembered (with concern) my post regarding Eye Twitching & Alien Babies.

This phenomenon still rears its’ ugly head every now and then, and I thought I would share her advice. Since, she obviously figured out what the culprit was, much to my surprise it isn’t Alien Babies ( know, I am still shocked cause I am almost positive there is one in there kicking around), but behold the culprit (DUH DUH DUH) (highlighted in BOLD)

Email from Mom

Found this in something I read today and since I know you get these, I thought you’d find it interesting.   Love you much, MOM
 
What makes your eyelid twitch?
This annoyingly common condition is known as eyelid myokymia. Not a lot is known about eye twitches, which are more likely to occur in the lower eyelid than in the upper, though they’re probably caused by the misfiring of a nerve. But experts know that fatigue, stress, and caffeine all increase the likelihood of the pesky twitching. So do eyestrain, poor nutrition, excessive alcohol intake, and allergies. Fortunately, eye twitching is almost always benign and usually goes away by itself. To put an end to a bout of the eye flutters, cut down on coffee and alcohol and give your eyes—and your whole body—a good night’s rest.

 

 

Ummmmm not quitting my booze intake, guess I will just have to deal with the aliens kicking around in there! J

But, Thanks MOM, your a genius, but I already knew that! Love ya!

AHEM, A Love Poem

 

 

I’ve been told (more than once) my Hubby must be a saint to put up with my antics…but he wouldn’t have it any other way! And with that I give you, my love poem. (Don’t worry, I won’t quit my day job just yet!)

To Hubby:

A love poem, on Valentine’s Day (even though I love you every day) to remind you how lucky you are….I mean I am! J

A Love Poem

I wanted you to know I love you

Through ups and downs

Good times and frowns

You are a love true

 

Making me safe and warm

You are always there

My calm before the storm

In love that is rare

 

You get my sarcasm and wit

So we are quite the match

But, I am the catch

Though you’ll never admit

 

Though Most of the time I jest—

I would be quite sad without you

Alone and blue

For you are the best!

 

I am not much of a poet,

But this I know

You make me aglow

Even though you don’t know it!

 

Love and Kisses,

Your Wifey

The Genius Pair and My Mean Sister

My sister, Free Sister is mean.

Here is what happened.

My dad was visiting from out of town and we had just driven into the driveway after having lunch, when my dad gets out of the car (mind you with they keys still running in the ignition).

Me: DAD! Did you mean to leave your keys in the car, with the engine running. (Senile, much? Sorry Dad)

Dad (incredulous): OH NO! Don’t shut your door! Whoa, good going! Glad I didn’t lock myself out of the car with the engine running because my spare set of keys are at home!

Me (knowing I had just SAVED the day): Yea, good thing, I noticed…I was thinking you must be crazy!

So, as I am getting out of the car, I realize that I may be senile too.

Me: OH NO!

Dad: What?

Me: I don’t have my house keys on me cause we took your car, and I just didn’t think about it!

Dad (chuckles): Oh no, what are we going to do?

I then call Sar and her Hubby, realizing they are both at work. CRAP! Then I call Rae, my mean sister, knowing the mere idea of getting in the car to come rescue me is the LAST thing she would ever want to do. She doesn’t like to help people because she is a PEOPLE HATER, she HATES everyone. (Whatcha gonna do Rae?)

Me: RAE! Where are you? I locked myself out of the house! And I need you to come home and let us in.

Rae: YOU STUPID SLUT! GUESS YOU ARE STUCK OUTSIDE!

Me: RAE! Get your sorry ass down here and let us in!

Rae: YOU ARE SO STUPID; I am NOT driving all that way!

Me: OH YES YOU ARE!

Well you get the gist of our fight over the phone. Anyways, she finally DID come home and let us in, but she did have the crazed psycho look in her eyes (you know, the one killers have–those of you that passed the serial killer test know what I mean).

Me: Thanks, Rae! You saved the day!

Rae: I HATE YOU!

Me: You are just the nicest sister ever.

Rae: I HATE people AND I am on my period.

And that my friends, is why you should stay away from the MEAN SISTER when she is on the rag. She is scary!

(Hopefully, I will be around to blog after this…if she doesn’t kill me, but that is why you don’t mess with a blog crazy sister–blog paybacks can get real nasty)

Love ya, Rae!

Mean Girls

My sisters are mean. This time BOTH of them. Today, as you know, is President’s Day, but do I get it off at my place of work? NO! How RUDE!

This is what I get to enjoy from my mean, evil sisters.

Text from Sar at 10pm:

Sar: Do you get tomorrow off?

Me: NO.

Sar: HA HA I do! I get to sleep in. Sucks to be you.

Me: HATE YOU.

Then later on, Rae is practically SKIPPING through the house last night (which is a rarity, considering she is usually so melancholy–must have something to do with the boy being around now)

Rae: HA HA HA I get to sleep in tomorrow.

Me: I hate you!

Rae: LA LA LA. I am going to relax ALL DAY!

Is it possible, to quit both of my sisters? Can I request NEW SISTERS? I don’t like the ones I have anymore!

Nap Time

Nap time should be reinstated! I have thought long and hard about this, and I believe if they had nap time after lunch at work, than I would be WAY more productive! What do you think? I think I should recommend this be incorporated into Healthy/ Work Life Balance policy! Yup, that is my suggestion.

Homeward Bound?

These conversations come up all the time. And I would just like to say, Hubby is NO fun!

Me: Can I stay home from work tomorrow?

Hubby: Yes

Me: Can I stay home from work everyday?

Hubby: No

Bailouts…

Starting out the America’s Next Top Blogger Challenge (America’s Next Top Blogger) is Midlife Slices. I am answering the questions in no particular order, so no worries. You will all get your topics!

Midlife Slices at Midlife Slices™ wanted to know my thoughts on the Bailouts. Do I think they are good? Do I think they are bad? What DO I think?

My thoughts, peppered with a little sarcasm:

Have you lost your job? Are you scared you won’t be able to put food on the table? Forced to go on furlough? Can’t afford to pay your rent/mortgage? Lost all value in your retirement fund? Tossing and turning at night? Look on the bright side because at least all of us out there are in the same boat!

So, when I saw this video from Saturday Night Live, I figured that this video best depicted my thoughts. I also heard the best one liner regarding bailout humor, I am not sure who said it, but I think many of you would agree, it goes like this: “This is worse than a divorce – I have lost half my net worth and I am still stuck with my spouse”

Eyeblast.Tv ,Video Done Right

Posted using ShareThis

Zombie-pocalypses

Today’s episode of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you commercial free by Qbubbles at My Muddled Thoughts.

The question is: Do you believe in zombie-pocalypses, and if so how would you handle it, where would you hide, and would you survive?

First off, let me say: DO I believe in a zombie-pocalypse? That is like asking me IF I have seen Shaun of the Dead? That movie was based off of a true story, right? OF course, I believe a zombie takeover is possible! On a sidenote, it would be awesome if it would happen soon…I could use some zombies in my life to eat the people I don’t like…which lately seems to be a lot of them…(don’t know why, but there I go off on a tangent). Sorry, Qbubbles.

I think that IF I weren’t turned into a zombie immediately; I would hide somewhere like the Winchester….somewhere that has a lot of food, and a lot of booze, so I could survive for a while. I also think that I eventually could train the zombies to fetch things for me and do my bidding, by bribing them with food, booze, shots…whatever they wanted. I think, ultimately, that is all your friendly zombie wants….a little leadership, you know someone who can give them a routine. Then they might feel safe and secure in their zombie-ness. This would only encourage them to realize their true potential. We definately could all co-exist peacefully, with me as their leader.

But, how can I be so confident and how do I know I would survive? Because I have the zombie emergency procedure manual on survival, passed down generation to generation. And now, dear readers, I pass it on to you. Be safe and hope to see you at the Winchester!

The Tree Weed

Tiger, the Tree Weed

We rent in an Home Owner’s Association (HOA) neighborhood. The HOA is pretty crazy about how your house looks, ie IF you have any weeds, trash cans out, statues, or any other type of montrosity you will get FINED! A montrosity is deemed as anything that they don’t like or looks hideous.

Well, I have found the most hideous weed ever. It is in our neighbors yard. I have watched it grow from a small sapling of a weed, into a gynormous tree weed and I have named him Tiger, the Tree Weed. It is crazy how fast this succer has grown. I am just curious if they have gotten fined yet by the HOA because they have a lot of other weeds too (not that we don’t, but I choose not to look at our weeds)! I am thinking they really must be partial to this tree weed. Soon, it will be bigger than their house! And once that happens, I will be there taking pictures.

What do you think? Pretty big, huh. I think it is the biggest weed I have ever seen.

Tree Weed

Sometimes You Just Know…

Hubby and I are in pre-bedtime routine mode. When on flips a commercial for dialing 1-800-one-5252 to find your one true love.

Hubby: I am going to dial that number to find my one true love, in case it isn’t you!

Me (handing him my phone): You better dial it now, I MIGHT not be it!

Hubby: But, what if you are? What if I call it and it says you ARE my one true love!

Me: Than you have a long, hard life ahead of you! On the other hand, you can’t get much better than me!

My Middle Sister

Today on America’s Next Top Blogger we will uncover the mystery and meaning behind my crazy sister’s (Middlechildadvice\’s Blog  ) probing question.

Her topic is: Blog about your amazing middle sister—how amazing she is, how you want to be just like her and how you will never reach that goal. Are you puking in your mouth just yet? Cause I am. Truly.

My middle sister, Sar is far from amazing. Really. If you go back and look through our photo albums– every picture of me and Sar is me sitting on her, trying to crush her in some form or another. Or I have a crazed look in my eyes like I am plotting her demise (and NO I do not always have the crazed look, although it does run in the family). So, our history of me wanting to BE like her is non-existent. But, for the purpose of this blog, AND to follow the rules I can give you some insight into her “amazingness” as she likes to call it.

How my Middle Sister is AMAZING

1.      She ate cat food on a dare (and liked it)

2.      Sar thought Washington DC was located in Washington State. Until she went there and learned this wasn’t so. She has always been a little slow.

3.      She always wanted to fly on a plane herself. She finally did when she was in her 20s. Now she thinks she knows everything about flying. This is not the case.

4.      Growing up, Sar used to hide food she didn’t like (she said she couldn’t chew it) in her napkin on the back of her chair, so the dog would eat it.

5.      Sar used to have a nickname growing up, Dizzy Lizzy, cause she used to spin around in circles a million times and fall to the floor. For those of you that know her this explains a lot, doesn’t it?

6.      The middle sister has always been jealous of the other sisters, so when she was little she used to point at people, so she could get attention. Mom always told her to stop pointing because it is rude, but in childhood photos you will see pictures of her pointing, on purpose.

7.      Sar used to bring home all kinds of weird friends, kind of like the crazy cat lady.

8.      She used to hide in the bathroom for hours to get out of chores like dishes. Immediately after dinner, she would hop up say “I have to go to the bathroom!”  She would only reemerge after the dishes were done. She still does this.

9.      She has a tendency for making you feel bad if you won’t accept her gifts. IE She never cleans the cat litter, and so in turn the cats will poo on the floor, next to the litter. She will then tell her Hubby that the cats left him a “present” and he shouldn’t complain because they made it specially for him. Messed up, right?

10.  She has a tendency to wreck every car she has ever had, knock on wood, and yet my parents still buy her cars. What?!

11.  If Rae and I gang up on her, she says we should stop being mean because she is going to need years of therapy to recover from all the damage we have caused her.

12.  She secretly wishes she were an only child because she likes all the attention for herself. This is why she bring out her parlor tricks at events (like analyzing people’s handwriting) so people will swarm her and beg her to tell them more about themselves.

13.  She loves really random movies like Lars and the Real Girl, Slither, and Into the Wilderness because it makes her feel smart…like she “gets” something others don’t.

14.  She likes to feel important. That is why you have to tell her she is “AMAZING” 20 times a day, or she will cease to exist.

15.  When Sar was younger, she was obsessed with cologne. She used to sniff my Uncle Jody who wore Polo and tell him that one day she would marry him. To this day, she is still obsessed with cologne, but not Polo.

16.  She also thought she would grow up to be the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio. She is to this day, still obsessed with the color blue.

17.  She used to turn everything in my room upside down, when she was mad at me. I still get mad, just thinking about this!

18.  She needs constant reaffirmation that she is amazing that is why I am making her this list. However, she doesn’t know words, so she will probably look up the word reaffirmation.

19.  She used to sleepwalk and try and go out to the pool for a midnight swim. Luckily, Mom always caught her because I might have missed her if she drowned, only a little bit.

20.  She is obsessed with cats. One day, when she is old, she will turn into the old cat lady, and her home will be filled with poo because she never cleans the litter.

21.  She actually OWNS a tee shirt that says “It’s ALL about me.” This is the most truthful she has ever been.

22.  When we were kids, she used to follow me everywhere because I was super cool. She wanted to BE ME. Now that we are older, she still wants to be me. And I am still cool.

23.  As a child she used to have really bad hearing, so I used to just move my lips so she would think she was deaf. To this day she is still traumatized if anyone does this to her.

24.  She loves her cat more than her Hubby, but so do I!

25.  She is definitely out there, but AMAZING in her own SPECIAL NEEDS sort of way.

Me and Baby Sar, so trusting, isn't she?

 

Marriage Secrets Revealed

 

Secret #1

Maybe that missing tee shirt you were looking for didn’t really get eaten by the dryer, but maybe I threw it out cause it is ugly. Maybe.

Secret #2
I know that you eat all my chocolate stashed in the house and then ask who ate all the krackel bars? They did not get lost and Rae didn’t eat them all! I won’t believe it.

Secret #3

I always know where your keys, knife, belt, tee shirt, shoes or any other miscellaneous object is. I just like to watch you run around like a crazy person looking for something.

Secret #4

When I say, “I don’t care”, sometimes I don’t care. Sometime I do. Listen for the tone. You should be able to figure out my tone by now.

Secret #5

I don’t really care if you go out with your friends to drink or hang out. I really DO want you to get out of the house. Please. Why? Because I need some alone time and you always come back realizing how amazing I am compared to your friends wives or significant others! Cause I AM AMAZING.

Secret #6

I LOVE when you go out of town. Really. I do. I can then watch whatever I want on TV. I am in charge of the remote and I can sit in bed all day and do nothing. I can play Guitar Hero for hours on end and don’t have to share it with you AND I can pee with the bathroom door open, since you are not there to be weirded out. Basically, I can do everything you won’t let me do when you are here.

Secret #7

I am not really still sleeping when I hit you, poke you, or steal your pillows. I am trying to reclaim my area of the bed or get you to move over and stop crowding me. Or get you to stop snoring. Or get you to stop breathing in my face. Or get you to turn over, so I can steal more room on our too small bed.

Secret #8

Sometimes I tell you there is free food at work, so I don’t have to eat my lunch and I can just go to Jersey Mike’s instead. Especially when you pack me a PB & J sandwich. No one likes that many PB & J sandwiches. No one.

Secret #9

I know when it comes to putting away laundry you claim to “not know” where any of my clothes go, so you don’t have to put them away or fold them. I know this because you pretend I am some kind of organized freak even though it is YOU who tries to color code your tee shirts. Oh yea, I have noticed. This makes me crazy. I hate putting away laundry and that is why I pretend we have run out of hangers sometimes, so I can just pile your clothes somewhere for you to deal with. Sometimes.

 Secret #10

Your missing swimsuit edition of Maxim or Sports Illustrated? Oh yea, I don’t know. Where did it go? I mean, it might have “accidentally” fallen into the trash can. You didn’t read it? Oh no!

Secret #11

Sometimes I encourage and give the cat your flip flops to bite, since you leave them out all the time. Is it that hard to put your shoes away? And when you see the bite marks you think she has been eating your shoes again, little do you know that it is me who cheers her on in her destruction.

Secret #12

Sometimes I call or text our Mothers to talk about you. Especially when you are being a brat. Usually they both can convince me to stay married to you. You have no idea how much you owe our Mothers. No idea.

Nyquill Daze

Hubby made me sick, or maybe it is the fact that everyone at work is coughing and hacking on me. My genes of steel have finally given in and I am going to crawl under my covers and die. If I survive my Nyquill-cold-induced daze, I will be back with a vengence, but until then, me and my wads of tissues are going to go die in bed.

See you around. If I make it.

Hubby (proud of himself): See! I made you sick, now you can stay home and call in sick to work!

Me (said with a stuffy nose): Yea, thanks A LOT. Who wants to call in sick on their sick days?

Tunnel Ear

Still want to die. I think I have tunnel ear. You know, where your ear is so blocked up that normal, everyday sounds are magnified to be 20 times LOUDER than normal. For instance, the neighbors booming stereo, sounded like it could have been playing in my room. Maybe there was a party in my room while I was sleeping, let me tell you that Nyquill is good stuff. Although I am getting real close to needing another bottle of it.

I can’t hear out of my left ear at all and my left nostril is completely shut down. I have slept a total of  a day and a half (and I think I will go sleep some more) and still feel like crap! What is this? 

 I am quite attractive too….tissues stuffed up my nose (due to not being able to blow my nose).

Thanks for all your well wishes, hopefully I will make it through this. Hubby sucks at being a nurse! Not to say I would be any better….

The Price of Love

 

Today on America’s Next Top Blogger we will discuss the question one reader posed about price tags  being left on clothes.

The question: What would you do if you were out on a date with someone and you noticed they still had the price tags attached to their clothing? Would you tell them? Or would you ignore it?

I would have to say, first of all, this has never happened to me however, I have always been one of those brutally honest people…probably to a fault. So, my simple answer would be yes, I would make mention of it. Although, I do know from roomate experience that a lot of girls go out and buy that perfect dress/outfit with the intent of returning it the next day. So, the tags being left on could be for a reason because after that date goes horribly wrong, which I am guessing for this reader it did….might as well return the outfit! Right?

The Obvious Clues…

Today’s version of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you by a reader who wanted to know specifically what things Hubby does, on purpose or not, to annoy me. Wow, that is a loaded question, right? But, I will answer this as specifically as I can. First of all, keep in mind that Hubby and I have been married for almost 5 years now, but have known each other for 10, so I guess the keyword is that we KNOW exactly what to do to TICK each other off. So, without further ado, I give you my answer.  

Better yet, dear reader, I will give you proof of the things he does to annoy me. And the slide show begins….

First, we have the messy piles that last for days and then weeks and then months and then years….well you get my drift….

messy desk

 Next, we have the shoes…they are everywhere….left out for the shoe fairy to put away (P.S. she doesn’t live here)

shoes, shoes everywhere

Then we have one of my personal favorites, the I-just-came-home-let-me-throw-my-crap-down piles that last for days and days..until I complain…

i just came home…where does my stuff go?

Next we have the random crap goes there, right?

watch in the niche

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And, one of my personal favorites….dirty sinks….yea, it takes two, but I begged that all I wanted for Valentines Day was for Hubby to clean the sinks…cheap right? Did it happen? You be the judge!

dirty sinks...

Moving on, you want me to fold laundry? What laundry?

What laundry?

So, that is your edition of things that the Hubby does to annoy me…on purpose? Maybe not. But probably. Welcome to marriage!

Love ya, Hubby. Now, PLEASE clean the sinks…….

Point Systems

Hubby has been so mean while I have been sick. I mean, sure he went out to get the medicine and sick tea, only after I complained a million times. After all, HE is the one who got me sick in the first place! And of course, I get this bug WAY worse than he ever did!

So, last night, I kicked him out of my “sick nest” of a bed ( I mean come on, I had wads of snotty tissues under the covers with me, would YOU have wanted to share that with me?) and he was definately BITTER. I was going to try and go to work today, but after being awake for half the night with throbbing ears, and a hack that made Patches leave the bed, I figured it would probably be best if I kept my nasty germs to myself. So, this morning, when the alarm went off for Hubby, I dutifully dragged my snotty nose out of bed to go jostle Hubby in the other bed…. and what does he do? He begrudgingly goes to feed the pets and then tries to crawl into MY sick nest. When, I won’t let him in, he bangs on the bed several times and stomps out.

I know, right? HOW MEAN. I quickly fall back asleep to my Nyquill induced dreams of killing him. Yea, I was MAD and my dreams were good.

Then later he comes home at lunchtime, hands full of Jersey Mikes (my favorite sub place EVER) and it was then that I decided I might marry him all over again, despite our morning angst.

Me: You have just earned 20 points. You are on the good list again.

Hubby: Out of how many points? You know, Jersey Mike’s was totally out of my way, right?

Me: 50 total points. You better keep doing good things if you want to be on the good list again!

Eating Krackel Bars

Earlier this week, Hubby came barreling through the house wanting to know who ate all his Krackel chocolate bars. Alas, I was sick and Rae was never home. So, I pointed out to Hubby, that it MUST have been HIM that ate all his Krackel bars…..

Me: You probably ate them all yourself!

Hubby: I did not! I know there was ONE left!

Me: You’re an emotional eater.

Hubby: Are you saying I am fat?

Me: No, I am just saying you ate them all yourself and you don’t even realize it! Want some popcorn?

Hubby: No, I am not eating now!

To Love In Sickness and Health

Well, I am feeling better. Not 100%, but probably around 75%.

I am definately still antagonizing the hubby, so obviously if I can drag my snot nose, sore throat, crazy ranting annoying self out of bed to terrorize him, I MUST be feeling somewhat better! Right?

I think he still loves me…though he says I better stop writing mean blogs about him.

Hubby: Why do you write such mean things about me? I don’t leave messes all around the house.

Me (thinking to self): If he didn’t have a wife he would live in filth 24-7. Boys are so gross.

Me: It is the truth. The people have a right to know what happens after marriage. Maybe you should think about getting your own blog just to defend yourself.

Hubby: Too much work, besides everyone is already against me…..

Cue sad music here

GPS Made Me Do It?

Today’s episode of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you by a long time reader, Terra, at Beautiful Glimpses….

Her question was: if you hit someone’s car and did some damage, they weren’t in it, and no one saw you….would you leave a note and your information or just drive away? And would you feel guilty if the tables were turned?  

Could I just say GPS made me do it?

Well, I have NEVER done this, thankfully. However, I am definately ruled by a guilty conscience, so I would have to say that I would leave a note, if this person were not around. I believe what goes around comes around. And well, I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t confess. Now, don’t get me wrong…I have definately dinged some doors when opening mine, but never enough to do any real harm…or so it seemed at the time. My middle sister, however is a different story! But, I digress…

If you don’t believe me, you can even ask Hubby. I definately did a BIG DING on his truck (ok, maybe more than a ding)….which I confessed to right away, but that’s cause he was in the truck with me. But that blog is for another day and another time. Yea, better to not bring up this contencious spot, as he almost divorced me over it. However, this just goes to show my feelings of guilt, would prevail, no matter how much I might like to run away and pretend it didn’t happen.

So, Terra, I certainly can feel for you in this type of a situation. Hopefully, this won’t happen to me….knock on wood.

Or I can just blame GPS….

Lysol the Germs Away…

Right now, I want to marry Hubby again.

He has cleaned the house, while I wallowed in my dirty blankets with my stuffy nose watching the worst movie ever, Private Valentine…don’t ask. I love Jessica Simpson, but that movie was horrible. At least it made me forget my germs for a bit.

So, lo and behold Hubby shows me the bedroom, which he has cleaned for hours…no more does the smell of snotty tissues, dog barf (the dog barfed yesterday in our room…luckily, due to my sickness, NOT IT rules did NOT apply) and the bathroom sink is CLEAN. YAY! I am so happy.

However, this made me think of a very funny memory. One of my first times visiting Hubby’s hometown in Texas, I got really sick with some kind of cold/flu thing. So, Hubby’s Mom took care of me. And I was grateful. But, here is my memory. She cleaned the entire room I was staying in from top to bottom, changed all the sheets and then just as I was getting ready to get into my new, clean sick nest…..she sprayed everything….including my pillows with Lysol! And I don’t mean a little bit of Lysol. BUT, I mean drenched everything in Lysol. It was horrible…the smell….ugh. And now Lysol scares me. It really does.

To this day, when I get sick, Hubby says if I don’t behave he is going to spray me with Lysol. And THAT is enough to make realize how lucky I am when Hubby makes me a nice, clean sick area….Lysol Free!

P.S. I guess I will stop writing mean things about him for now…

Cheater!

So unfair! I am the reigning Guitar Hero Champ in our house when Hubby and I play, but due to my sickness I am not up to par.

So tonight, Hubby won. But, under false pretenses. I am challenging him when I get better. You hear that, HUBBY? I challenge you to a real duel. Mr-I-play-on-easy-all-the-time-EASY! You scared?

Hubby: I ROCK, I am the guitar hero CHAMP! Wanna kiss a REAL rocker, baby?

Me: I.Hate.You.

Hubby (mock British): Oh, come on baby….I am a guitar hero champ.

Me: I.Hate.You.

Daisy, RIP

Today’s showing of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you by another long-time reader and funny gal, silent orchestra.

The topic is bacon. No more details were given.

With this being said, I must say, I am not much of a bacon gal. Turkey bacon? Most definately, but regular bacon. Not.So.Much.

Here’s the reason. When I was in Adv. Bio 3-4 in Highschool we had to dissect a fetal pig. And as many of you might gather by this time, I am a big animal fan, so this was not an easy task for me. I mean, I like animals better than people! Really. They don’t talk back, stick with me people!

Anyway, due to having to dissect our fetal pig, my lab partner and I named our pig Daisy. We become very bonded to her, despite having to examine all her poor little innards. She was no longer “the fetal pig” but Daisy. The one and only. And even though she never got a real chance at life, we decided that we would let her know how much she meant to us. We talked to her…she knew about our highschool crushes, our desires, our sadness and she listended. Boy did she listen. She never judged, not once. She was a true hero and to this day I am forever grateful to Daisy. She became a really good friend and taught us so much.

She also taught us where bacon comes from. And because of this, I usually don’t eat bacon out of respect for Daisy. Poor Daisy, may she rest in peace. I will never forget her.

Question of the Day

Just curious.

Is it bad that I come to work, with the intent to spread my germs everywhere?

Or is it worse that no one I work with cares?

Or is it worse yet, that I work in a healthcare environment?

Being the evil person that I am, I hope they all get it!

Sham-HUH?

Today’s version of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you by Lori at I Can Grow People . I have known Lori while our Hubbys’ attended grad school and now we have reconnected through our blogs! What a small world!

Her topic/question pertained to the Sham-Wow guy. My thoughts on him and what is his deal?

First off, I must say, you stumped me a bit with this one….Sham…what? I know, where have I been, right? But, I must admit, Lori, I don’t get out much, Hubby keeps me locked in the closet and somehow I must have missed this late night infomercial. So, I googled it (oh, the wonders of google). Yup, there he was staring at me.

ARE.YOU.SERIOUS? Then I realized; I have met him, no not the one in the infomercials, but his evil SHAM-WOW twin brother. Yea, ok, he had different color hair and not the same smile, but the clothes, mic and hairstyle WERE the same and his SHAM was the same! So, here’s the dirt:

A couple weekends, right before Christmas time, Hubby and I were shopping around in the mall and found ourselves at Sears. We were trying to find that one, perfect, last minute gift when lo and behold:

“ATTENTION Customers…if you will come down to the first floor right away and join us for this special in-store  demonstration we will give you a free promotional item just for coming down here.”

FREE? FREE? I looked at Hubby….yes, I LOVE free things. I know, I am so naive. So, Hubby and I trample down to the first floor and lo and behold some amazing product that will change our lives forever.

*Do you hate to clean?  (YES!)

*Do you need a product that can make cleaning a breeze? (YES!)

*Do you want to get the hair tumbleweeds off your floor for good? (YES, please!)

Then give me 10 minutes of your time and I will give you one for free!

WOW, really? So, we waited, we participated, we stood, and we watched in amazement. And in the end, all we got was this lousy piece of cloth the size of a tissue that is like a chamois, but not…..but for 3 installments of $19.95….you too can have this life changing floor device.

Yea, SURE.

LAST TIME I fall for that one SCAMMER SHAM people! I hate you. And your evil twin brother!

An Experience to Remember

Sorry, I know I am behind in these…but I was on furlough! So, for those of you still left…I promise to catch up to you this week!

Today’s America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you from a new reader, Thoughts From Under My Rock. I believe she and I might have quite a lot in common in our adventures at the grocery store. And with that being said, makes for very sad times.

Her topic was: Tell me about the biggest pet peeve you have regarding other people at the store (grocery, department, pharmacy, whatever), inside the store or out (or both), and then I’d like a very adjective and adverb-filled description of what you’d like to do to them for stirring up your fury… I wanna see if you and I think anything alike.

NOTE: As for adjective and adverb filled descriptions: This blog has censored them out…..sorry

Let me start out by stating two facts you need to know about me:

1.      I hate shopping (I know, shocking right?)

2.      I hate dumb people (if you recall, I emit the KRZY vibe, so these people ALWAYS find me.)

And for some reason, I seem to be plagued with both of these burdens, usually at the same time and usually at the grocery store. Why, oh why do the two things I dread most seem to go hand in hand? Never mind, don’t answer that. I’d rather not know.

So, here’s what happened:

Hubby and I were living in Connecticut at the time, while he attended graduate school at Yale. We got up early one Saturday morning to go to the grocery store. Mind you, this is a rare experience when in graduate school because we usually lived off of PB & J, however it must have been a payday week! J

Anyway, we have just finished off our grocery shopping experience, quite painlessly, I might add and I am off returning the cart, when the KRZY vibe strikes—paging everyone on the parking lot to come and get me.

I see a nice grocery cart boy pushing carts towards the entrance of the store, he was literally two feet from me. So, rather than push the cart to the cart collection area, I thought I would call him and just give him my cart to add to his pile.                

Me: Excuse me. Can I hand you my cart?

Cart Boy (clearly turns around and sees me, but pretends he is deaf or mute)

Me: Excuse me!?  (CENSORED ADJECTIVE)

Cart Boy (again turns around looks at me and again turns around as if I am invisible)

Me (now standing in the middle of the street, clearly astounded at Cart Boy’s rudeness while Hubby watches and laughs) (CENSORED ADVERB)

So, let me paint a picture for you, there I am standing in the middle of the road (with Hubby watching and laughing) astounded that Cart Boy would diss me like that…when a car rudely starts honking at me (ok, I will give you that one, I was standing in the street like a moron, but that is besides the point…)

The honking quickly brings me back to reality, I slowly wave and shrug my shoulders at the people in the car, like…I can’t believe this is happening, trying to point at (the now NOT NICE) cart boy.

When the lady in the car starts screaming, honking, and yelling at me, while her 10 year old in the front seat starts flicking me off with his middle finger. ARE.YOU.SERIOUS? (CENSORED ADJECTIVE AND ADVERB)

Hubby: LAUGHING SO LOUD

Me: I HATE CONNECTICUT AND ALL YOU RUDE PEOPLE! Did you see that, HUBBY? Can you believe all that just happened to me?  (CENSORED ADJECTIVE AND ADVERB)

Hubby: UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER

Me (clearly saddened at the state of mean people in this world): Why can’t people just be nice? It is SATURDAY for goodness sake! They don’t have any reason to be mean, they aren’t even at work! (CENSORED ADJECTIVE AND ADVERB)

And, that dear readers, is what happened to me and why KRZY vibes and Connecticut just don’t mix. EVER.

Update

 

Germs are spreading fast and mutating.

Soon my army of mucus will overtake this place! My germs will conquer you in silent, but deadly force.

Be scared, workplace people I don’t like, be very scared.

Sanity in the Workplace…

I received this forward today. It was just too good, not to pass on. I am especially partial to Numbers 2, 4, and 10.

And yet, I should totally try some of these tomorrow. Because if one more person asks me if I am “sick” I think I will just hack on them directly and tell them, no I just cough and talk like I am all clogged up for “fun!”

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

2. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

4. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

5. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Spike.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Sparky.”

6. High-light your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.

7. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

8. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

9. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

13. Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”

14. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

15. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.)

I will never…

Something you should NEVER do as a NEWLYWED, courtesy of my sister and her husband:

1. Never Bribe your Husband a week’s worth of “favors” to get him to do the yardwork because he just MIGHT actually DO THAT yardwork, right Sis?

How’s that yard coming?

The Million Dollar Question

So, once and for all. You must answer the question, truthfully, so I can finally PROVE to Hubby what I know is already true. I think secretly he knows the truth, but just doesn’t want to admit to it. I need this data to prove to him, statistically, logically and non-biasedly what I have known my whole life.

Yes, he is stubborn and needs the cold, hard facts to believe me. Because you see, once I can show Hubby this poll, we can finally get past our differences. Maybe.

Banned Grocery Store Trips

Why you should never let me go to the grocery store during that time of the month.

Yea, I can mock myself, Hubby. Beat that. Who has the better sense of humor now?

Hubby: What did you get at the grocery store?

Me: Hmmm

Chocolate Chex

Chocolate donuts

Chocolate pretzels

Hubby: HOW much did all that COST?

Me: WHY? You wanna fight me? You should be thanking the chocolate gods for making me happy!

Road Trips…

So, yesterday, Hubby and I got in the car and decided to go visit my friend Hacim (see Where do Babies Come From? ) since he wouldn’t come visit me.  And since I have two “furlough” days at work this week. Yea, that means days off with no pay. Isn’t life grand? Gotta love the economy. Not that I am complaining about the days off…that part I like, but the part without pay is the part I am not so fond of.

Anyways, after the long, boring road trip of “are we there  yets?” We finally are almost there.

Texting

Me: Are you excited to see me? We are 30 minutes away.

Hacim: Not really.

In Person

Me: Where do babies come from?

Hacim: Your ass.

This should be a fun weekend!

I don’t remember…

Hacim, Hubby and I were recollecting on the couch one night….remembering the good ol days.

Hacim: I have no beer.

Me: Who ARE you?

Hacim: I don’t drink that much…

Me: Since when? You used to drink all the time! When did you turn into an old fart? I used to get these kind of calls.

Back in our college days:

Hacim: Come pick me up. I am drunk.

Fastforward 3 years (when Hubby and I live in TX-was kind of hard to do when we lived in different states)

Hacim: Come pick me up. I am drunk.

Fastforward 1 more year (we live in CT)

Hacim: I am drunk. There is puke all around me, I don’t know how it got there.

Hacim: I don’t remember.

Wii Cheating

Hubby is a MarioKart Cheater.

He just IS.

So, we then decide to play Wii Monopoly–after I almost break Hacim’s coffee table in my fit of rage….just kidding, but really his house is not me-proof….I am kinda a crazy wii player.

And now Hubby is trying to beat the computer at Monopoly. Since I won’t play with him anymore.

He thinks the wii computer person is cheating.

Yea, right…..

Getting Up Early Delusions

So, in order to make our money go further, I have decided I should give up parking at work and find parking elsewhere. However, this requires getting up early, and as we all should know by this point, I am not a morning person, but usually when I set my mind to something ….I can accomplish it. So, here’s what happened.

On our car trip home this weekend:

Me: I am totally getting up early tomorrow to get a good spot at work and workout!

Hubby: Uh huh, sure.

Me: WHAT! I can get up early!

Hubby: How early?

Me: Ummm I think an hour earlier than I usually do, so 4:30 maybe.

Hubby: HAAAA HAAA HAAA THAT will never happen.

Me: Rude! I can totally do it to save us money.

Fastforward to yesterday morning 5:45am…

Didn’t make that 4:30 wake up call yet…..I think I will try for tomorrow….maybe.

I can do this, right?

Huh?

This topic of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you courtesy of Ram at http://foodhere.wordpress.com/ . He wanted a dialogue between Harland Sanders, Toller Cranston, and Scooby Do. Yea, this is definitely out of my comfort level, so bear with me people. I wasn’t even sure who Toller Cranston was….I knew the rest, well mostly Scooby! J

Setting the scene:

Scooby Do has just helped himself to Shaggy’s Special Brownies off the counter. He is now doggy dreaming on the couch.

Scooby (sleep talking as brownies dance in his head): MMMM me love brownies.

Harland Sanders (appearing out of nowhere in Scooby’s dream): Don’t you want some Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Scooby: MMMM chicken.

Harland Sanders: It is finger licken good! Scoob, I will trade you some chicken for some of your brownies…

Scooby: Ok.

Toller Cranston: Hey, I want some too!

Scooby: Who are you? Are you Brian Boitano? I loved that Southpark song.

Toller Cranston: I am not Brian Boitano! I don’t even look like him.

Scooby (singing): 

What would Brian Boitano do
If he was here right now,
He’d make a plan
And he’d follow through,
That’s what Brian Boitano’d do.

Shaggy (shaking Scooby hard): Scooby, want some chicken? I just got back from KFC! Hey! Did you eat all my brownies?

Scooby: Yea…and they gave me the weirdest dreams….Mmmm chicken.

 

 Well, Ram, hope this did it for you…as you can see, I don’t have much experience with the “magic brownies”

 

Survival of the Wittiest….or something like that.

The season finale version of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you by a fellow blogger, who just might be my twin sister. Well you know how they always say there is a twin out there of you….I think I found my writing twin….the brit, the american and the rest of australia.  

the american would like to know about etiquette:

 

1.       If you bump into someone, say a colleague, and they say “hi, how was your weekend/how are you?” is it rude to just say “hi. fine.” and not ask how their weekend was? i do it all the time but feel like an asshole. but really i don’t care.

2.      If you sit across from someone who has hayfever and is sneezing all day, do you have say “Gezhundeit/bless you” every time or can you just say it once and leave it that without explaining yourself?

3.      If someone kind of smelly sits next to you on the bus/tram/train/waiting room (but they’re not homeless or anything. it’s just been a hot day and they’re wearing a suit), is it rude to get up and sit someplace else? i did that the other day and got the look of death. wha…?

4.      When we get cupcakes catered in for someone’s birthday the office, is it rude to skip the “happy birthday” speech in the beginning and just show up late, grab a cupcake and run back to you desk?

Whew, you definitely have some interesting questions. And I have some answers.

I will let you in on a little secret.

What I say and what I am thinking, especially at work, usually don’t coincide, but that is because I am surrounded by crazies, so I see it more like survival of the wittiest, only under my breath. I know, if ONLY I really could say what I was thinking all the time. But, alas, the world doesn’t work that way.

My advice:  answer these questions really, really honestly and people will stop asking you questions and just avoid you, which is the ultimate goal, right? So, I will now attempt to answer your questions

Sure, I may sound a little nuts, but who isn’t these days?

Here are the answers I would give to your questions:

1.      My weekend was horrible, I spent the whole weekend in the toilet and had explosive squirts. I think I might still have them. OOOOOO I just felt something gotta run, bye!  (See this way, you answered, and left just as quickly…)

2.      Well, being that I was just sick and attempting to spread my germs in mass destruction, I would instead say: Are you trying to get me sick? Why don’t you just go home? I am allergic to sick people. Then start scratching yourself and rubbing your eyes. If this doesn’t work, at least you can tell your boss about your “allergies” and go home anyways.

3.      I would most definitely move seats! Only I would say…sorry, I haven’t showered in days and I don’t think anyone should be subjected to my stench. Plus, I just ate a bean burrito from Taco Bell and it isn’t sitting so well…..

4.      My suggestion….go before anyone gets there…eat all the cupcakes and then show up and ask where they all are, but make sure to leave a little frosting on your lips!

So, that is my definition for etiquette. Do we share the same brain?

Getting Up Early for Dummies

I thought I would make a list, since I have been so successful. (Not really) But it is the thought that counts, right? Actually, dear readers, you should be proud, as I have managed to get up early and work out for 4 days in a row so far. (Applause, please)

*DO NOT, under any circumstances, hit snooze on your alarm! If you spend too much time contemplating quitting your job, just so you can sleep in a few extra minutes, you might end up broke, homeless, and pillowless. Which would just be sad.

*DO jump out of bed and get moving right away, you may feel like crap for awhile, but it usually goes away. Usually.

*DO NOT take sleeping pills to help you sleep. Just don’t do it. You will not be able to get up.  ( I know from experience).

*DO lay your clothes out the night before, that way you can make sure you don’t leave the house wearing mismatched shoes or anything weird when you are eyes are still glued shut.

*DO NOT try and convince yourself you’re a morning person, you ARE NOT, don’t try and be happy about getting up. Just do it and then make as much noise as possible to annoy those that laugh at you.

*DO get a cat, like the (The Alarm Clock from Hell) so that in the event that you don’t get out of bed in time, you have a back-up plan….or a cat you want to kill.

*DO NOT attempt to be friendly in the morning. There is no point in exerting any additional energy cells that you are lacking due to your sleep deprivation.

*DO get some people to laugh at you and say you won’t be able to do it….sometimes reverse psychology helps motivate a person.

*DO NOT try and convince yourself that this is good–that you are teaching yourself discipline and routine. You are just lying to yourself and your body knows it. And it will get you back.

*DO try and go to bed early the night before. Not that it will make it THAT much easier to get up, but it helps…a little.

Wha..?

So, in case you didn’t notice. I had to change my avatar. Yep. Didn’t really want to, but some of you weirdos out there thought it resembled a (hmmmm how do I put this delicately) well, where babies come out (Thanks, Hacim).

What do you think? I guess I just don’t have a twisted mind…wait I take that back….

Oh well, thank goodness for new avatars!

It's a cat nose!

Work Quirks

I must confess, I am a people avoider. I shouldn’t have to explain much, other than the fact that I attract those with the KRZY vibe. That being said, I have to take precautions. Since some of you seem to be like me, I thought I would share my tactics because you never know what we can learn from each other. Feel free to share a couple of yours, if they are good ones.

How to Effectively Avoid People

1. I usually use the stairs. Stairs equal less people.

2. When I do use the elevator, I usually try and press the “door close” button right away. You don’t want to get stuck in the elevator with people and have to use small talk. Ugh that is a killer. Like I care what you did this weekend.

3. Sometimes I have to go hide in the bathroom. Just to get some peace.

4. Caller Id is the best thing ever invented. I swear, I wasn’t at my desk….

5. Uh huh. Yes, I agree. You are so right on that one! I can definately see your point. Are all phrases you should use when you want someone to think you agree with what they are saying. This, in the long term, gets them out of your office faster.

6. Find hiding spots for lunch, breaks and nap time. Otherwise, people will attack you during your break time with projects.

7. Sometimes it is ok to hide under your desk.

8. Being sick at work is a good thing because it keeps the masses away. Think of it like your own personal bug spray.

9. It is important to feign ignorance because you don’t want people to think you are too smart, they will only ask you to do more.

10. Pretending to use a cellphone is key. I pretend to check my voicemail in the elevator, when people get in. I pretend to use my cellphone at my desk. I pretend to use my cellphone wherever I go….that way, I appear busy, unavailable. This equals no time for small talk. Use it to your advantage.

Crowdings and Body Bubbles

Rae and I were talking tonight and I realized just how similar we are. It’s a little scary.

Rae: Yea, I had to drop the boy back at home last weekend cause he was crowding me….and I hate being crowded and I was sick of sharing my bed.

Me: I know EXACTLY what you mean. Hubby crowds me all the time. He is so needy and totally invades my personal bubble.

Rae: I know, right. They are such women! So needy like. Wanting to cuddle and crap.

Me: I know, what is with that? I came home today and Hubby was attached to my hip. I wanted to send him to his mother in Texas. Just so I could have a break.

Fact

This is why dessert is important in our house…

Fighting 101

Have you ever…

 

I have a tendency to people watch and make up elaborate stories about them. I don’t know why I do this, but I have done this since I was a child. I think it is due to my creative imagination.

Today, at lunch, I went out to people watch. I sat on the bench and watched as all sorts of people went past, as I sipped on my Starbucks. Here is are my observations:

1. One guy sitting on the bench chowing down on some Cold Stone Creamery Ice cream in a bowl.

Observation: I think he is a secret super spy. He is trying to act all casual, looking like a business person just enjoying his ice cream, but I see into his little ploy. He has this weird earpiece in his ear. That is because he is a top secret agent waiting for the “GO” to jump off the bench and catch the Boy that just walked past. See Boy for more details.

2. Two Students with shopping bags, in a seemingly in-depth conversation.

Observation: The two students are fighting over a boy. They are trying to reconcile their friendship through shopping, but really the girl on the left is plotting the girl on the right’s demise, she is going to poison her food once they get home.

3. The Boy who is wearing a green “I have no motivation” shirt and carrying his orange gatorade bottle.

Observation: The Boy is secretly an undercover computer whiz, who is being employed by a major drug dealer. He is pretending to look like a student who doesn’t care because he knows people are after him and if he wants to continue receiving his mass quanities of money from the drug lord, he needs to stay undercover. Little does he know the secret super spy is closing in….

4. 3 guys in business suits sitting on a bench. As the 4th guy takes their picture.

Observation: These guys are old friends and are in town for a highschool reunion. They have been out of touch for a really long time because guy #2 stole guy #4’s girl back in the day and they are finally getting past their differences to reconnect.

5. 5 pigeons swarming this weird lady on a bench (who is talking to herself)

Observation: The 5 pigeons are plotting to poop on the lady…because she won’t share her sandwich with them. She has no idea that she is about to be attacked.

6. A nerd type guy meeting a girl in Starbucks, however the guy has a wedding ring on the girl does not. The girl has a drink ready for the guy. Which he greatfully swigs down. The girl is big and preggo.

Observation: Starbucks is their secret rendevous spot, where these two lovers meet. The nerd guy is married, but having a sordid affair with the preggo girl. The preggo girl is really preggo by the nerd guys friend, but married nerd guy thinks she loves him and is about to divorce his wife. Little does he know that his wife is undercover at Starbucks watching this and will poison married nerd guy tonight.

And that, my friends, is today’s version of lunchtime entertainment. Hope I never spot one of you out there……

Ouch!

So, last week Hubby played flag football with Hacim. They were both so sore afterwards that I made fun of them, told them they were both OLD, and poked their sore areas.

Yea, I am a jerk. But, it was fun.

Yesterday, after work, I was telling Hubby about my “soreness” in my arms, since so far I have gotten up at 4:30 every morning, gone to work early, and worked out (APPLAUSE, PLEASE) and GUESS what he did…..HE POKED my sore spot and laughed and told me that was paybacks.

OUCH.

Google and My Popular Blog

So, I have now been at this blogging thing for awhile now, long enough to consider myself knowledgeable–not yet genius level. Yet. Recently, I have noticed that I get a lot of traffic from being googled. That doesn’t bother me, but the things people type in order to find me are strange to say the least.  Very strange, does this reflect upon me? You know, like I can Google CRAZY and my name pops up? That is just amazing.

Here are some of them from yesterday. Do you get weird Google searches too, or is it just me? I know, I am weird and all, but that’s why you love me, right? And my amazing sense of humor.  

My thoughts are in italics.

Fail –I do like to talk about failing.

home early morning—Early morning? I don’t do mornings.

fail?—Yea, I get it, I am a failure.

your my favorite crazy ass bitch—Hubby, did you search for me this way?

birthday fail—what is with all the failure, people?

husband & wife cartoon—I am all about cartoons. LOVE EM.

broken wedding rings—Is this symbolic of Hubby and me? Are we broken? I see it more like unique.

money tree—I wish someone would find one for me.

stress reduction kit—stress, what is that?

Strange Husband—Yup, I agree.

pics of grown-ups bebies—Huh? Not the B word….

tee ten gee—WTF?

shamwow guy—Thanks, Lori. I know who he is now!

sisters figting—My crazy sisters…yup

Push—hmmm, like shove? I do push people….

funny looking marriage pics—Well, Hubby is a little funny looking.

narnia stone knife—Huh? I am lost here. I don’t think I have ever blogged about Narnia or knifing someone. Yet.

getting up early—Again, the bane of my existence

17th black mourning dress—Black is my favorite color. Black equals death.

fail pictures—I get it, really I do. Everyone finds me through the word FAIL.

bed hog fix—Yup, that is my dog and Hubby.

is elmira ny a good place to leave—Elmira is my town. MMMM Pudgies.

Where do babies come from—Hacim still doesn’t know…

no bills wanted—Can this be my motto when getting the mail?

Crazy people are eating me—DUDE, stay away….

 

 

 

The Princess Ring

I went out to lunch with my friend from work this week and she asked me about my rings. I have 3 rings on my wedding finger…that is when I remember to wear them.

Friend: Why do you have 3 rings?

Me (matter of factly): Because I am a princess. Princesses have 3 rings.

Friend: I want to be a princess too! I am going to tell my husband to get me one!

The funny part is that Hubby’s sister has a princess ring too, only when we were talking about it at Christmas time a few years back, Hubby jumped into the conversation with a very important question:   Hubby: So, you just go to the the jewelery store and tell them you want to buy a princess ring, and then they just know what a princess ring is? Me (rolling eyes): Yes, Hubby, that is EXACTLY how you do it.

The story behind the princess ring is quite simple really. My sister’s BFF told me, at her wedding, that she was getting 3 rings when she got married because she IS a princess, and so, in order for her husband to marry her, he had to provide her with “the princess ring.”

I thought it was cool. I wanted to be a princess too. I told this to Hubby.

He laughed.

I told him I would divorce him.

He got me my princess ring.

I am a princess.

End of story.

Hubby even engraved it to say “princess ring.”  What a smart guy I have! I guess I will keep him.

3 rings=PRINCESS

Dr. Mario Addictions

I.Can’t.Stop.Playing.This.Game.

Maybe I should look for a new job: Professional Game Tester. Yup, I like it.

In the Zone…

(NOTE: Boston refused to give us the royalty check for this picture. This is the position we find him in when we come home)

Yes, I will fully admit it. I am one of the laziest people I know. So, when I decided I would start getting up at 4:30am (psycho) every morning to get a good parking spot ( saving money) and workout, most of my friends and family laughed at me. But, I would have laughed at myself too because I know that I am lazy. For instance, I will call Hubby to bring me a water when I am standing two feet away from the fridge because I feel like he needs to feel useful.

So, the mere fact that I have kept up with this (without making up excuses) is amazing. Really. Truly. It isn’t that I am not motivated, I just get bored easily. ( I think it is cause I am the smartest person in the world–no, really…I am)

The irony is that I think I will keep this up. I mean, besides the getting out of bed part (my pillows are so comfy AND it is dark outside), I am actually enjoying myself once I get to the exercise room. I am actually finding myself to feel energized and I am amazingly witty in the morning (yea, this is a rarity as we all know I am no morning person); I guess I should thank the endorphins. I also have new found energy and besides feeling old, barely being able to lift my arms and feeling like my legs can barely support me after I exercise….I think that I can keep this thing up.

You want to know my secret?

Britney Spears, baby. Yea, that is right….she gets me through the eliptical, bike machine, treadmill, and arm machines. I love her. So, I must dedicate my new-found passion, increase in brain power, and ability to get up in the morning to Britney.

Special Note: Thanks to Hubby for making me a mix cd of all Britney’s music.

Advice 101

Someone recently asked me how Hubby and I make it work. I racked my brain for some thought-provoking, amusing, logical answer and then I ran upon this comic, which sums it up way better than I could.

How Hubby and I make marriage work:

Affairs of the Heart

Confession Time:

I am in love with someone else. I can’t live without him. I cheat on Hubby weekly. I am always having to go back for more. I am never satisfied. It is like an unquencheable, crazy, uncontrollable, love fest. I think I might be addicted. But, I can’t stop. I will do anything for him. ANY.THING.

I am undeniably, uncontrollably in love. IN LOVE.

With Jersey Mike’s.

I can’t stop thinking about it. I want it ALL.THE.TIME.

I just had it yesterday, and I already want it again…it is beckoning me and I cannot control the urge.

What do you think? Should I tell Hubby about my affairs of the heart?

Trapped!

After Hubby and I played some Dr. Mario on the wii, we discovered we might need to get our vision checked.

Me: I can’t see and the tv is right in front of me, my eyes are all blurry.  I think I need to get my eyes checked.

Hubby: I know, I think I might need some glasses. But, I don’t think I will look good with glasses.

Me: Who cares? Who do you have to impress?

Hubby: You. I need to look good for you.

Me: What for? You already trapped me!

He Said, She said…

Hubby wants to do a guest posting on my blog.  He thinks he has valuable widsom to impart….I think he just wants to bag on me….

I told him he should get his own blog!

What do you think? Should I let him?

TBA, on the Worse Half’s Blog

Hubby’s a little scared. (And shy)

He feels a little overwhelmed by all of your excitement to read his innermost thoughts (well only some of you expressed excitement). Also fyi, he is not the best writer, so I will probably have to proof his guest post anyway.

However, he IS excited to let you in on his inner most secrets about being married to the most wonderful, beautiful, coolest, self-sacrificing, chore doing, best listner, patient and most amazing wifey that anyone could ever ask for EVER. He might even tell you the secret to finding someone as amazing as me. Or he might just tell you once you find that amazing someone….take them to Vegas, get them drunk, and marry them.

Well ok, maybe it didn’t happen EXACTLY like that….but I guess we will have to wait to see what he has to say.

Until then, I will hold my (bated) breath in anticipation with the rest of you. I guess you will just have to keep checking in to see when he feels the need to inpart his words of wisdom to the masses. After all, he did go to Yale– however, I pretty much wrote his thesis….

Wii Alters

I must say Hubby is bad luck and brings out the worst in me.

This weekend we got Mario Kart. I am a bit of a crazy driver, but I am practicing and getting better. Watching me navigate the wheel is probably a bit like being in a New York City taxi cab at rush hour (you can’t understand a word of what I am saying, and are in fear for your life). A bit scary, and a bit thrilling, all at once. 

I feel like the wheel has a mind of its own and when my NYC taxi driver alter comes out…..watch out. Or maybe I am just that retarded. (Don’t comment)

Anyways, this morning I was practicing my driving skills and I was getting 1st and 2nd place for the most part. WHOA. I am amazing and feeling pretty good about myself. Then in walks Hubby asking me how I am doing and if I am getting any better.

And in that very instant, I fell to 12th place and my crazy alter “The NYC taxi driver” returns and I crash and swear every two seconds.

Me: Well, I WAS getting better. Til you came in here and jinxed me. Out. I say, Out.

That Bad Luck Hubby of mine had better stay on his side of the house!

Girls Rule….

If only Hubby would realize, that we (girls) are by far the superior sex….but no, for some reason boys have to learn the hard way, I guess.

Question is: will they EVER learn?

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder–NOT

More of your FAVORITE conversations.  Hubby got a call yesterday to go do some work at a casino out in New Mexico.

Hubby: So, by the time you come home tomorrow, I will be gone.

Me (probably a little TOO excitedly): WOO HOO. How long will you be gone for?

Hubby (rolling his eyes): Only one night. I will be back Wednesday, probably around the time you get home.

Me: Oh, that is NOT long enough! Can’t you stay longer?

Hubby: No, you would be too lonely without me.

Me (dreams of having the bed to myself are quickly dispersed): silence

Peep Show

As Hubby ponders his mysterious guest post blog, I thought I would help him along with my own blog about what you, dear readers, might like to know about our relationship, Hubby, or myself (we all know I am the most interesting-no ego here).

Think of it like your own private peep show into our lives….get your mind out of the gutters!

This way I can get the deep, dark secrets out of the way before Hubby tells you some whacked out version of a story that I know not to be true. Not that I don’t trust him, but you know…Hubby sometimes can be very evil and I have no idea why. ( I still wonder who he learned his evil ways from, being as innocent and naiive as I am). And not that I have any deep, dark secrets… I just like to keep my best interests in mind—I am good like that.

So, dear readers, list some things you would like to know in the comments section about us….and I will answer them as thorougly and intimately as I can. I mean, as you all already know, our life is an open book (whether Hubby likes it or not) and my side of the story is always right…….always.

Peep Show: A Tell All

 

Well, as many of you may or not know, Hubby and I have been together for awhile now. So long, in fact, that I feel as though I can provide (some of) you with a humorous glance at love and marriage with a twist of sarcasm and humor. Hubby had requested me to allow him to do a post on my blog, allowing him to tell his side of the story. At first, I scoffed at him and told him to get his own blog. This is my special place, with my special followers (that is YOU, dear readers, in case you didn’t realize); but then I realized that (a select few) of you were interested in what he has to say ( I still can’t figure out why), so in determination not to be one-upped by him, I decided to tell those of you that wanted to know…whatever you wanted to know about us. My plan is simple. Spill all of our (my) dark secrets before he gets to….so here is an answer to your questions. 

1.   What am I most scared of?

Well, I have a lot of irrational fears, but the thing I am most scared of…the thing that makes me tremble with fear, almost wet my pants, and cause me to dash under the bed in hiding is (wait for it)……the Ice Cream man. I can’t explain or rationalize it, but you can read more about it here: Irrational Fears and the Ice Cream Man.

2.       How did Hubby and I meet?

Hubby and I met at the University of Arizona, when we were in College. He loved me from the minute he saw me; I was (and still am) witty, smart, sarcastic, humor-filled, cute, kept him on his toes, and not interested in him. All things he wanted….but couldn’t have. I had just come out of a long relationship with another Texan that I met at a camp on the East Coast, which ended horribly, might I add. I was definitely wary of Texans and their conniving ways. Hubby and I became friends, but I was still not interested. He persisted in asking me to come see theatre with him, and I continuously shot him down, telling him I had a date: with my roommate (who was a girl by the way). Eventually, I started feeling bad for Hubby, and decided to go on a date with him. Mostly because he was so tenacious, I like non-quitters (probably because, at this point, I definitely would have given up asking me anything….but I get bored easy). Anyways, I found I had fun with him and he was kinda funny too, and a smart ass, much like myself so I continued to date him. We got pretty serious, even though I told him all kinds of stuff to keep him away, especially when he would take off in the summer for theatre stock (theatre camp). For instance, I would tell him–you know, it isn’t considered cheating if you live in different zip codes. So you do what you want, and I will do what I want….he didn’t fall for it….even though I still believe in the different zip code rule! So, we ended up dating, broke up once, got back together and eventually got married. Like anyone else, we have our ups and downs. Sometimes I want to kill him and sometimes I am sure he wants to kill me, but what it comes down to is that we get each other and I think he would be bored without me and my sass.

 3.    What is the most memorable moment that made us laugh so hard that pants-peeing was inevitable; and would we like this memory to disappear? Why or why not?

Well, as far as piss-peeing moments I have had a few, but as far as together….I can think of something. Hubby and I were visiting his sister and family in Texass. We were all hanging out at one of his Mother’s childhood friend’s house (so there was a group of people there) when I suddenly got the urge for a Pepsi. I love Pepsi, and would get very cranky without my caffeine intake, so Hubby being the good Hubby decided to take me out to a convenience store to get one. On the way back, I suddenly got the craving for some “ice cream” (note: ice cream can be a code name for mattress mambo, sorry mom). Fast forward about 20 minutes. At this point, we have been gone (probably a little too long for a Pepsi) for a bit, but we had our Pepsi (fact) and ice cream cover (fiction). So, we are headed back into the house and all eyes turn to us. Where have YOU been everyone asks….and we begin our storytelling. (It is here where I should mention, I am the worst liar you will ever meet. I am just not good at it unless I practice). However, we were quickly shot down by his Dad who practically shouted: SON, why is your shirt inside out? It was at this point, that Hubby turned a shade of red that was the color of a tomato and quickly shrugged his shoulders and looked like he wanted to die right there. I quickly burst into laughter and nearly pissed my pants. How did I not notice that? Irregardless, we were laughed at for long time after that one. Now, whenever we visit his family I am not allowed to go on ice cream runs…..

And no, I don’t need this memory to disappear; it is moments like these that I live for…..although Hubby might disagree.

4.    Do we have quirk that one of us finds endearing to each other, but annoys other people?

Hmmm a quirk that we each think is endearing? I know of a lot of quirks that Hubby has that annoys me…but together? Hmmm. I would have to say that a quirk that Hubby has that I think is endearing is his ability to create, build and make stuff out of nothing. It is especially cool when he makes me something cool. Like a Kitty Hut, The Rules Continued. Note: stupid grad school projects don’t count as something cool, especially when he tries to pass the random crap off to me like he made me a treasure: not cool. How this may annoy other people is that when Hubby gets in his “I know how to fix it mode” it’s his way or the highway. So, if anyone else has an opinion on how to do something, well, my advice is to steer clear. He also snores, shakes his leg constantly if we are sitting (this drives me CRA.ZY) and is a bed hog. All things that annoy me, and only me.

5.  What is the one memory of the two of us that stands out most in your mind?

I would have to say the memory that stands out most in my mind is going to the coast in Texass. Every year, Hubby’s family goes down to Padre Island and rents a condo here: http://www.ccislandhouse.com/index.htm.

They have been going there since Hubby was very small, and I absolutely LOVE going there. When Hubby and I go, we have the most relaxing time. We get to talk on the sea wall, hang out on the beach, feed the seagulls, swim in the ocean, and eat “ice cream”….ha ha ha ha. My most favorite memory is the nighttime strolls on the beach and our Putt Putt competitions because those are the times we get to spend together talking, dreaming and conspiring together. During the week, we often will go out, just the two of us and play Putt Putt. Even though that seems simple enough, I enjoy it because it is our time alone to hang out, enjoy the island breezes and just talk. We have been doing it for over 8 years now, and even though we don’t get to do it every year, I love it more than anything. It is our special place and I love it because it holds such great memories.

6.  How did you end up getting married, romantic coercion or proposal?

A bit of both. Hubby actually proposed, in case you missed it The Marriage Proposal. I thought I was getting a Harry Potter Golden Snitch Lamp! Instead, I got a ring AND the Harry Potter Lamp! Life is good!

7.  Have you ever given Hubby a Dutch Oven?

Are you kidding me? Who hasn’t, although, I am not as clever at trapping him as he is me…..but the difference is he blames the dog. I take credit for mine.

P.S. If you didn’t see an answer to a question you asked, perhaps that illustrious Hubby of mine will provide you with an answer. Perhaps.

Wii you be my friend?

I have a new addiction (this is not good).

I now am obsessed with getting friends for my wii. It is ironic because I am SO not the person that even wants friends in real life (too much work), but on the wii…well that is a different story. Ever since we went to visit Hacim. He got me addicted to Mario Kart, which I suck at by the way, and renewed my love for Dr. Mario. He then proceeded to tell me that we can play wii with each other from our perspective different states.

Me: I need more friends for my wii WFC channel.

Hubby: You are ridiculous, you don’t even have that many friends in real life.

Me: I know, but in real life you have to maintain your friends, in wii land, it is completely different.

Hubby: You are a wii Dork.

Oh.my.gosh.  I didn’t think it possible, but now I am even more in LOVE with my wii.

So, the other night, Hubby and I played with Hacim and his girl for over 3 hours straight….until I thought my eyes would fall out. They both whooped our butts in Mario Kart, so much so that it was embarrassing. Hacim’s special talent is to wait a few paces from the winning line and then right as we are almost there…pass it. JERK. I hate him.

So, then we played a couple of rounds of Dr. Mario, because I RULE at that. Made both of them cry.

How do I know? Because I could just feel their tears through my screen. Plus they like to kill themselves when they are losing. Kinda like a martyr tactic, I suppose. 

Anyways, would you like to be my wii friend? Just let me know…and then I can play all of you out there in the blogosphere.

Let me out….

Tiger Lily

Tiger, the Tree Weed, has had a baby. I thought he was a boy, but apparently, I was wrong. He is a SHE, and she has multiplied.

We have named this baby: Tiger Lily.

Here she is, she will soon be as big as her Momma…I fear.

Routines

Adorable, right? They are only cute when they are sleeping...

I am all about being pround of myself for getting up at 4:30 during the weekdays for my routine of going to work early and working out.

However, I am NOT ok with the EVIL PETS  continuing the routine on the weekends. Waking me up at 4:30 on the weekends is NOT OK. Please, demons, just let me sleep in one day this week! That is all I ask.

It’s obviously a mutiny. And I am obviously NOT going to win. I am just trying to figure out, how to survive without killing them, mostly Americus. She is the Devil himself, reincarnated.

Going back to bed now.

My Best Feature

So, it is a running joke in my family that I got the ghetto booty. I don’t have the boobs, I have the booty and everytime I see the whole family they don’t let me forget it, especially the sisters (I think they are just jealous).

My parents are in town this weekend for a quick visit and my mom was talking about how her pants are too big in the booty.

Me: I will NEVER have that problem! (Even though I am doing my morning workouts…I doubt the booty will change…I just know, and I am okay with it)

Mom: Yea, I agree, you don’t have that problem.

Me: Thanks, Mom, way to show some support. Anyways, it doesn’t matter. It is my best feature, Hubby’s favorite, in fact.

(Shouting) Right, Hubby?

Hubby (shouting from another room): I always liked your eyes.

Me (pshaw): Yea, right…..that is so lame. No one likes eyes!

Mom: AWWWWW

Me: Gag me

Cheaters Always Prosper

Lesson of the day: Never underestimate me because I am THAT good. 

I have just gotten out of bed, despite the fact that the pets have been at me for hours trying to wake me up to feed them—-banging my head, meowing, doing my hair, pawing at the blinds, whining, crying, vomiting, you name it they did it. But, I have not moved, not even flinched in fear of them seeing any sign of movement. It is better they think I am still asleep, so they can move on to torment someone ELSE.

Eventually, Hubby finally gets his sorry you know what out of bed to feed them, after I literally push him out of bed. I mean, it is ME who feeds them all week long, it won’t kill him to do weekend detail.

After he comes back to bed, and I get up, he sidesteps the vomit and snidely says:

Hubby: NOT IT!

Me: Doesn’t count!

Hubby: Yes it does!

Me: Nope, I called sometime around 4:30ish AM, not my fault you didn’t hear it. So, you already lost your chance.

Beat that!

Hubby: It doesn’t count if I don’t hear it.

Me: Yes it does…because you were right by me…you just CHOSE not hear me. IT COUNTS!

UPDATE: Rae heard me call NOT IT at 4:30. I WIN.

NOT IT Old School Style

SO, the parents were visiting  last weekend. And I was explaining the NOT IT rules to them, which made them laugh. Actually,  Hubby and I were having a standoff in regards to the vomit by our bed. See why.

After explaining the rule, while we all watched Hubby clean up the vomit, I learned of the way my parentals dealt with the NOT IT rule way back when (yea, they are old school); it’s weird that they were that clever back in the day.

Dad (talking to Hubby): Ugh I know all to well what it is like to clean up cat puke.

Mom (under her breath): pshaw.

Dad: Yea, I usually had your mom clean up the vomit because I don’t know how.

Me: HA HA HA HA! What do you mean?

Dad: Well, your mother knows what special products to use on the carpet so it wouldn’t stain. I didn’t. So, it was better that she do it.

Me: 1. I don’t believe that and 2. I am going to use that now too!

Hubby: Don’t give her ANY more ideas!

And that, dear readers, is NOT it old school style.

SEX-tuple

There is this game on the iphone that I am addicted to. Hubby found it, and I LOVE it. It is called Sextuple. It is a word challenge game where you are timed to make words. The goal is to find the six letter word before you run out of time. It makes you think. And being the genius that I am, it always helps to keep my brain sharp.

Anyways, a few weekends ago, I taught my mom how to play it.

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Playing a game.

Mom: What game? I wanna play!

Me: NO! It is MY game.

Mom: Let me play. What is it called?

Me: Sextuple.

Mom (incredulous): Wha?

Me: SEXTUPLE

Mom: Really?

Me: MOM! Get your mind out of the gutter. SEXT means six letter word.

Mom: Yea, I knew that…..

Me: Mom, you are a sicko!

The Hostage

Hubby will be away all week at a conference and I am taking a prisoner hostage.

Side Note: a little sadness, but I get the bed to myself. Just not sure who to torment yet…maybe Rae.

So, I told Rae we are hijacking her Boy to come cook for us all week. I told him under no certain terms that I don’t feel like eating cereal for the whole week, so we need someone to come and take care of us! Me and Rae WOULD REALLY eat cereal all week–chocolate chex to be exact.

The Boy better be scared, we want a home-made dinner on the table everynight! Hubby does not envy the Boy at all and told me I better not torment him since he has quasi-agreed to come over and make us dinners.

Poor Boy, stuck with the two non-cooking, lazy sisters…poor, poor Boy indeed.

I wonder if I can get him to do some housechores? Maybe I will leave him a chore list! 

UPDATE: Hostage is in house now, sleeping. Rest up my pretty, because we are expecting a full course dinner tonight!

Please Explain….

How come we can get any other type of bill, magazine, or begging letter for donations from Yale, but for some reason our W-2’s can’t seem to make their way out to us?

And when Hubby calls them we get these types of conversations:

Yale Accounts Payable (AP) Person: How can I help you?

Hubby: We haven’t received our W-2’s yet, can you tell us if you have the correct address?

AP Yale Person: Hmmm uh looks like the only address we have is for Hamden, CT.

Hubby(incredulous since we have only changed or address with them a MILLION times, but who’s counting): But we haven’t lived there for 2 years!

Note: We lived our last year in CT in Branford, CT.

AP Yale Person: Hmmm well, guess we can send them out to you guys.

Hubby: Yea, that’d be great!

Two weeks and counting and they still aren’t here…..but we did receive some lovely magazines….all addressed to our current address, as well as numerous “please give us money” letters. Hmmmm how very strange, very strange indeed.

This is not going to be pretty…

In order for Hubby to make his plane tomorrow, I have to get up at 3:30AM. He is going to OWE me big time after this one. As if, getting up at 4:30AM is not ungodly enough. Tomorrow is going to be my grumpiest day EVER….that is until I get my Guiness. Stay away, I warn you….just stay away.

THIS is not going to be pretty.

I think I should make him walk to the airport; what do you think?

NOT IT!

Why I love Hubby

I recently got tagged for this WHY I Love Hubby award.

 I had the following thought process:

1. Who says I love Hubby?

2. Write another Love Blog to Hubby? EWWW I prefer Hate Blogs.

3. Should I allow his head to get ANY bigger–he is starting to not be able to fit through the doors because of his I-am-awesome-complex? Well, I guess he is away this week, so maybe it is ok.

So, in the spirit of the award, which was given to me by an amazingly, funny lady,  Crone and Bear It, I decided to do it… so here goes:

I love Hubby because of conversations like these, he just gets  me, you know. And he has a dazzling sense of humor with a dose of sarcasm, you need that to survive my amazingness. Yea. I AM just simply amazing, right Hubby? Oh wait, was this supposed to be about you?

I survived the early wake up time a few days ago to drive him to the airport. Barely. That is why I am amazing. I mean WHO gets up at 3:30AM to drive their Hubby to the airport? Usually, not me……however, I guess maybe I DO love him on occasion.

For instance, that morning he was so cute and that’s why I love him.

Hubby: Want me to make the bed and fluff your pillows, so the bed is comfy for you tonight?

Me: Nah, just leave it. I am going to change the sheets anyways.

Hubby: Why? For all your boyfriends that will sleep over while I am gone?

Me: Yup, gotta have clean sheets; I’m weird like that!

and

Hubby: Do you love me?

Me: No

Hubby: But I love you!

Me: Your loss….

 And I am passing on the award to:

My crazy sister: Middlechildadvice\’s Blog

My twin: the brit, the american and the rest of australia

My alter ego: Thoughts From Under My Rock

My friend: I Can Grow People

Rules for Inflicting St. Patrick’s Day Pinches

I have succeeded in pinching 4, 5, 6, 7 8 people so far, and it is still morning. And not just lightly either; they said I am not playing by the rules. BUT, I totally AM. After much searching and cross-examinination to find a rulebook for St. Patrick’s Day Pinching, I have decided to come up with a compilation of rules. Here is what I found:

Eat your hearts out, non-green wearers, for you WILL be pinched.

THE RULES

1.      Must be wearing green (in clothing) not on clothing. Green nail polish, green hair barrettes, and green stars are all examples of things that DO NOT count. Thus, you will be pinched.

2.      You are obligated to pinch someone not wearing green, if you don’t the leprechauns will not give you any luck and you will be miserable for the next ten years.

3.      Green MUST be visible, to not be pinched. (Green undergarments DO NOT count, unless you are willing to show them)

4.      Doesn’t matter if you don’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. You MUST wear green. Everyone else celebrates it, so you will be pinched, this is not a choice.

5.      The pincher has the right to pinch the non-green wearer as many times as he/she wants, however if you inadvertently pinch someone that IS wearing green (i.e. green must be in clothing—visibleness is key– green stars, barrettes, etc. DO NOT count, see Rule 1) than that person can pinch the inflictor back 10 times.

6.      Conspire with others to find out who you may have missed (pinching wise). Compare notes, go back and pinch the people you missed.

7.      Pinch hard enough to leave a bruise; that way the non green wearer will have a green bruise left from your pinch…thus they will then be wearing green.

8.      Take advantage of this day of abuse. Make sure to pinch people you really don’t like hard. This tactic might also keep them away from you in the future, especially at work.

9.      Tell everyone that is not wearing green that you are doing them a favor: wearing green hides you from the evil leprechauns. Trust me, you don’t want to run into one of THOSE. I am doing you a favor by pinching you….kinda like the cootie shot, only better!

10. Those that have the “secret card” are home free, put it in your wallet/purse and give it to those that try and pinch you. Do you have the secret card?

 

Well, hope this helps those of you that are mean like me see clarity in your pinching rights because it is important to know your rights as a pincher.

Happy Pinching, and hope you all have a good St. Patrick’s Day!

"secret card"

 

SOURCES: Wikipedia, Yahoo Answers, ask.com, Ken, and other miscellaneous websites.

The Hostage: Update

Update: The Hostage is in the kitchen cooking dinner. Too bad I am WAY too tired to eat it. But I will let you know how the rest of the week goes. He is already trying to revolt because I tried to pinch him….ok, well I just thought about pinching him, it required too much effort to walk into the kitchen to actually do it….eh.

At least he is doing his job, get in the kitchen HOSTAGE or I will kick you.

I had my Guinness. Time to sleep.

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Morning

I am having the WORST morning that ever existed. Truly. Also part of last night. Let’s start from the top.

Strike 1

Upon arriving home last night from drinking, I was too tired to eat what the Hostage had prepared (I had already eaten, anyways, but that doesn’t matter). I immediately decided I would go to bed SINCE I had been at work for 12. 5 hours (doesn’t matter if I didn’t work the whole time) AND had been up since 3:30 (ungodly). So, there I am, starting to count sheep drifting off to lullaby land when our house phone starts ringing, jolting me out of my bliss. NOT.PRETTY.

It was Hubby, but for some reason the phones weren’t working or something (I have no idea) so he literally called the house about 5 times, everytime, I was nearly asleep. I.wanted.to.kill.him.

Strike 2

I wake up from nightmares at 1am. Not going into detail here because my sister will try and analyze them and they were just NOT.PRETTY. Don’t know why this happened, they were more like comedic, twisted nightmares—all the detail I care to share right now as they still scare me. Really hard to fall back asleep.

Strike 3

!&###! The alarm clock goes of at 3:30AM because I forgot to turn it off yesterday, thus again waking my peaceful sleep. !&###! Not Pretty.

Strike 4

I can’t find Americus, the evil alarm clock cat. Did I see her this morning when I fed her? I can’t even remember. I fed the pets, that part I remember, but that is about it. Feedings in the morning are done in a zombie-like daze. Panic sets in. Did I leave her outside (they get supervised outside time)? Did I shut her in somewhere (I have a tendency to shut her in closets…not on purpose)? Is she in with Rae?

I then spend 27 minutes looking for her, making me late for my workout routine. Still can’t find her. Need to leave. UGH.

Strike 5

The Hostage and Rae have made dishes (from last night) as high as the sky AND left their messes everywhere. This throws me into a crazy, psycho clean freak mode. I can’t deal with messes. All I am saying is, make as many messes as you want, but clean them up, please. I am sure they will clean it up today, but that made the bad witch come out this morning.

Strike 6

I didn’t get to take a shower, so I stink. I was too lazy to take one last night and I assumed I would take one at work, but now I just don’t care. But, my feet are black. Gross.

Strike 7 

The stupid hair straightner that I was going to attempt to use, IF I had taken a shower this morning (cleanliness is overrated), is broken. I thought it was just the outlets, but after plugging it into like 10 outlets around the house, I determined it is broken. Yea, I AM that slow in the mornings.

Strike 8

I am forfeitting my morning workout (gasp) in order to write this blog and because I was late getting to work AND because I fear with the way this morning is going, I will probably just end up breaking something…which might not be a bad thing? This is the first day I have missed in 2 weeks. I feel guilty.

Strike 9

I banged my knee hard on my desk this morning. Please don’t ask me how, I am known for my klutziness. I think my desk bit me, actually.

Strike 10

Hasn’t happened yet, but if it does….I am packing everything up and going home.

Would you like a cup of PSYCHO with that?

 

Yesterday morning, a friend and I went to Starbucks to get some caffeine. After the crap that happened yesterday morning, I thought the jolt of caffeine could be useful. Little did I know what was awaiting me on the other side of the counter….but Mr. PSYCHO, WAY TOO HAPPY, Starbucks guy. Being the cynic that I am, I couldn’t help but ask him about his jolliness at this ungodly hour in the morning!

Starbucks Psycho Guy on Crack (WAAAAAAY To Chipper): Hey there! How are YOU guys? What can I get you? Isn’t it a BEAUTIFUL morning? What a WONDERFUL day!

Me (incredulous at his audacity to be happy): WHOA! You are way too happy right now! Do you chow down on coffee beans?

Starbucks Psycho Guy on Crack (smiling so big, I think he might pull a muscle): Oh No! I don’t even DRINK coffee!

Me (ready to jump the counter and kill him): BUT, you work at Starbucks! What time do you wake up and go to sleep at night?

Starbucks Psycho Guy on Crack: I go to bed at midnight and get up at 2:30am.

Friend: But that is like 2.5 hours of sleep.

Starbucks Psycho Guy on Crack : I know, life is just so grand! I am just so happy and blessed and I LOVE my job!

Me (LOUDLY): You are just WAY too happy.

Exiting Starbucks

Friend: Your smile, as he was talking, was so fake. I thought you were going to jump the counter and really strangle that guy!

Me: The thought DID cross my mind. I just hate happy people.

Trusted Advisors

Me: I’m not crazy, just a little different.

silence

Me: There is nothing wrong with that, right?

Patches (the dog): winks at me (she REALLY winks, people..it’s crazy!)

Dear Hubby

I am not being good.

Just thought you should know.

P.S. You DON’T have to call everyday…especially at night….you are making my boyfriends feel awkward when you call so much to check up on me.

Tiger’s Untimely Demise

In Loving Memory

I have some bad news. Our neighbors’ weed trees have hit the dust.

Tiger, our neighbors’ gynourmous Tree Weed, has kicked the bucket. I came home and she was gone. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I felt a little empty inside, and hoped she hadn’t felt any pain or suffering. I guess she is in a better place now.

What about Tigher Lily? 

Tiger Lily has also bit the dust, but that is because Hubby poured paint thinner on her. Mean, old Hubby!  Ahhh the vicious circle of life in the weed kingdom.

Sad times. I’m gonna miss those weed trees!

A Rating of the Hostage

The Hostage survived his torture last week.

I cannot give him 4 stars because he was being insubordinate. EVIL HOSTAGE. So, with that being said, I give him a 3 out of 4 stars.

(For those of you that need an explanation; the hostage is my baby sister’s Boy and we took him as a hostage while the Hubby was out of town so we could eat something besides cereal.)

His food was great, he kept up on conversations and he even did some dishes.

I like this.

I think I will keep him, except I am going to glue his mouth shut. FOREVER. He has no right to talkback because it is his JOB to serve us.

I did tell him though, thanks to you faithful readers, that I think we might have a new business on our hands. I even told him I would go 70/30 with him. It could be called RENT A HOSTAGE. I am FULL of great ideas!

Conversation with the Hostage:

Me (a bit too excitedly): I will do all the marketing, writing, and web design (cause I am amazing like that) and all you have to do is all the work, i.e. cooking, cleaning. Not too bad, right?

Hostage (skeptical): Is that right?

Me: Yea, I mean, it would be awesome. You’d have a lot of work, make some money and I will manage you cause I am the brains behind this business. (I mean that is why I got my MBA, right? Totally genius material here)

Hostage: Yea, I just don’t think it would work.

I think I am on to something here….anyone want to be my financial backer?

Some Serious News

Well, things haven’t been getting much better since yesterday.

Americus, our alarm clock cat, is sick. It was weird because one minute she was fine, and the next she wasn’t eating or drinking and having bathroom problems, as well as extensive vomiting. I spent most of the night looking after her. Was pretty freaked out. Still am.

She is only 9, and we took her to the vet this morning. Of course, this isn’t any easier because Hubby isn’t here.

The vet has put her on some meds, but was alarmed by a high ALT level. This means she has enzymes leaking from her liver into her blood, which, from what I understand, could lead to liver failure. They gave her a hydration treatement and are hoping the medications will help before they determine any next steps.

I guess what is surprising to me, is that she wasn’t sick one day ago. She was acting normal…wake up calls and all.

I am hoping everything will be ok.

Eh

Yea, that is how I feel. In a funk, and the bloggy therapy drug isn’t clicking in just yet.

Thanks for all your well wishes out there.

Hopefully everything will work out. She seems more alert today. Guess we will see. For now, I remain tired and blah.

A Typical Male

So yesterday, after I brought Americus home from the vet, Boston (her boyfriend with benefits) was a little moody. These two cats love each other so much, so I totally “get” what he is going through. Below are their actions, yet I am also incorporating the dialogue that I think went with it:

I let Americus out of her crate, Boston starts sniffing her and licking her. He obviously knows she is under the weather.

Boston (voice like Tony from the sopranos): Where you been, bizzo?

Americus (feeble-like): I have been sick. I don’t know what is going on.

Boston (voice like Tony from the sopranos): You smell like ass, let me clean you up.

Americus (feeble-like): Thanks.

They both than retreat to our bedroom closet where they decide to curl up next to each other.

Boston (voice like Tony from the sopranos): I love you, you better get better soon.

Americus (feeble-like): Yea, I am trying, but I feel like crap. Awww…you NEED me….

Boston (voice like Tony from the sopranos):  yea, whatever.

Later on, Americus moves to another room, Boston follows. Again sniffing and licking her.

Boston (voice like Tony from the sopranos): You know you should eat something! 

Americus (feeble-like):  I don’t know what that crap that mom got me is. I am so not eating it, it is SO NASTY!

Boston (voice like Tony from the sopranos): I KNOW! She tried to see if me and Patches would take a bite! We both denied her, that stuff is CRAP. What a waste of money!

As I enter the room, Boston gets up and walks away from me. Hisses at Americus and avoids me like the plague. He is obviously moody. He also wouldn’t eat this morning, so I am off to the store to get them both some tuna…..they never turn that down.

 I think he is having his typical boy moodiness cause his girl is under the weather.  There’s a boy for you.

UPDATE: Americus ate some dry food tonight! YEA! This is the first time she has eaten in two days! Keep up the good thoughts, prayers and whatever other good vibes you want to send our way cause we appreciate it!

A sister’s lesson

Rae, The Hostage, and I were watching a movie; when Rae and I decided that we were hungry.

Rae (to the Hostage): MAKE US DINNER.

Me (copying her): Make us dinner….

Hostage: NO! After the movie

we continued this pattern for about 5 minutes. For the purpose of this blog, I won’t repeat it for 5 minutes, but I wanted you to get a feel for how annoying us sisters’ can be….

Me (matter of factly): Rae, you don’t have a good grip on controlling this hostage. If he won’t do what we say, we are going to have to get a new slave. Learn how to control him or he won’t ever be useful!

Rae: Yea, I know…he doesn’t do what I say.

Me: Not a good sign, if the Hostage revolts.

Rae (more directly to the Hostage): Make me cookies NOW!

The Hostage: NO! I don’t want to.

I think the Hostage is going to have to be beaten…..

To Be Continued….

Americus: an Update

Americus woke me up this morning to eat. I have NEVER been so happy for a wake up call from her!

So far, she has eaten a little wet food and a very tiny amount of dry food last night. Things are looking up.

Thanks for all your well wishes, out there. It means a lot—to all of us!